The Challenge of  Life

One Person's Story of Dealing With Disabilities

Birth Defect

It seems like I've always had to be a little different, and my birth was no exception. My parents and the doctors soon discovered that I was born with a birth defect -- what was later diagnosed as Chronic Obstructive Lung Disease. For the first three and one half years of my life I did most of my sleeping on my mother's shoulder because usually I could not sleep lying down. Most of my early years I was in the hospital as much as I was out of it.

Another Challenge

In 1956 the polio epidemic that had raged for several years was almost over. Dr. Salk had come out with his miracle vaccine. One month after I had the vaccine, at the age of six, I contracted polio. Did I get polio from the vacine?  That is a possibility, but no doctor would ever say that. I was in the hospital with one of the worst wheezing attacks I had ever had.  I was also running high temperatures and very sick.  When I started feeling better, I began noticing something was wrong with my right leg. I could not walk without falling. When I tried to lift my leg off the bed, I would get it about six inches high and it would just drop back down.

The polio spot-hit me. My right leg was paralyzed, but not the foot. On the left side it hit my leg below the knee and also weakened my arm. The doctors were amazed that it did not affect my already damaged lungs. I am also grateful that I never had to go through the surgeries that many others have had to go through. With my lung condition I might not have survived them anyway.

All during my early years of health problems I was surrounded with lots of support from my family, doctors, therapists, friends, and school. This helped me not to be bitter over my frequent sicknesses nor jealous of the kids who could run and play. Well, let me qualify that--I did envy the kids who could play in the snow and make snowmen. Winter was terrible for me, because I had to stay indoors all the time. While my polio did not make me jealous over what I could not do,  my lungs just would not permit me to be out in the cold for even a short time. Overall, though, I accepted polio as a challenge.

Instead of whining and feeling sorry for myself, I strived to do anything I wanted to do. If someone indicated that they thought  something might be too hard for me, then that was exactly what I would try to do. I even played baseball! Forget this idea of letting someone else run the bases for me; I crawled the bases on my hands and knees. [Sure wore the toes out of my orthopedic shoes doing that :) ] My therapist impressed upon me the fact that I was handicapped, not crippled. Being handicapped is a physical condition, but being crippled is a state of mind.

Lung Hemorrhage

At age eleven I had a massive lung hemorrhage and almost died. I was sent to Denver General Hospital for an evaluation. They said that my lung condition wasn't asthma, emphysema, or cystic fibrosis. It was unlike anything they had ever seen.

Separated from Family and Friends for Awhile

Later that year I was sent to the National Jewish Lung Hospital in Denver, a world renowned authority on lung diseases. Doctors were there from around the world. At that time, when you entered the facility you were completely separated from your family and friends for about a year except for phone calls and letters. Visits were by special permission. I was to stay there for extensive tests and treatment for my lung condition. Almost every night I had breathing problems that required breathing treatments.

During this time I tried to keep up my image of being a good boy who wasn't a quitter or a whiner, one who was always an example. However, I was lonely and homesick on the inside. I also struggled with feelings that I didn't fit in with my roommates. At the end of three months the doctors called my parents to come take me home. They said my lung condition was so bad that I would probably be dead in six months. God, however, had other plans (even though I didn't know it).  I came back and finished 6th grade at my home school.  Unfortunately, almost all my friends were in other 6th grade classes.  It seemed like I rarely saw them.

Sidelined

The next winter I came down with pneumonia. My health became so bad that I could not attend school the rest of my seventh grade year. Except for my sophomore year of high school, I was homebound all my junior high school and senior high school years.

This marked the beginning of a slow inward change in my life. With medical bills skyrocketing mom had to go to work. The friends I had grown up with and played with all during grade school dropped out of my life since I was not around them. None of my old friends called or came to see me. Since we were not involved in any church at that time, we had no spiritual support either. During this time I began to withdraw into myself. I began stuffing all my feelings deep inside.

Finally, my sophomore year I was strong enough to return to classes. It was good to be back. I loved the challenge of the classroom. But it seemed like everyone I knew had changed. The friends I had been so close to in the past had developed interests and social skills that I had not. Many were glad to see me, but we no longer had anything in common. I no longer felt a part of the group. In addition, I had to attend school in a wheelchair. I had not been in a wheelchair since I was six and I did not particularly like it, but there were books to carry and stairs to climb, so the wheelchair was a practical necessity. (No ADA guidelines back then.) I would wheel to the stairs and try to flag down a couple of guys to lift me, in my chair, up or down the stairs. Most of the time no one minded, but there were times that someone would let me know it was an imposition.

I learned to wear a mask and not let my feelings show. To fill the void in my life, I began developing an interest in UFOs, telepathy, and pendulums.

A New Relationship, An Inner Change

At age fifteen a change took place in my life that would affect me for the rest of my days.  I was introduced to the reality of a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Now, I had always believed in God.  I had prayed to Him often when I was younger.  But from about 12 years old on, I pretty much shut God out of my life.  I did not particularly want to hear about God.  The Bible made little sense to me.  I was far more interested in the paranormal.

When I understood for the first time that God really loved me and what lengths He went to to bridge the gap between myself and Him, I was amazed and humbled.  The story of the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ made sense.  I yielded my life to Jesus Christ and experienced His gift of forgiveness and a new life. At that moment I began a spiritual pilgrimage with my Heavenly Father. The peace and freedom that followed was very real. Positive changes began taking place in my life. Oh, I still had my health problems a,d I still went through the struggles and frustrations most teens dealo with, but I had an assurance that God loved me and was with me. The emptiness in my life began being filled in a way  that I can only explain as a God thing. The darkness in my life that was so-often part of the paranormal, left me. God was will me all the time and I could talk with Him anytime, anywhere.

I also found I could read and understand the Bible, God's love letter to His people. I wanted to know it. The more I read it, the more I understood it. Not long after I became a Christian, we joined a small interdenominational church. Changes were taking place in my family too.

Directions and Questions

During my senior year of high school, I felt that God was "calling" me to vocational Christian ministry. This was a surprise.  My interests had always been in the areas of science, biochemistry or perhaps in some field of electrical repair.  Computers were a new field of study and work.  However, I kept coming back to a sense that I was supposed to be in the ministry.

Whatever field I went into there were questions to be answered: Where would I get the schooling? [The winters in Colorado were too hard on my lungs.] What about my health and handicaps? Especially since my health had taken another nose dive preventing me from attending school either my junior or senior years. I also wondered how my family would be affected. For me to go to school somewhere out of state would result in my whole family being uprooted. Could I put them though that? I felt tinges of helplessness and felt like I was a burden. Yet I could not get away from the sense and the hope of a call.

Uprooted

Through a set of God-designed circumstances, my senior year we made contact with a Southern Baptist pastor who had moved to Grand Junction. He was graduate of Hardin Simmons University in Abilene, Texas. He explained a little about Southern Baptists to us. Was God leading me to go to a Southern Baptist School?! None of us knew anything about Southern Baptists.  Mom had been raised American Baptist and Dad had been raised Church of Christ.  The last 3 years we had been going to an interdenominational church.  Mom had heard that Southern Baptists were to be avoided.

For me it was a little scary thinking about moving to another state, leaving my doctor, and going to church with a strange group of people. (I had never been in a Baptist church! What were they like?)

Through prayer, correspondence, and a trip to Texas, our search for a school was narrowed down Howard Payne in Brownwood. My dad was able to transfer from the Montgomery Ward store he worked at in Grand Junction to the store in Brownwood. In August 1969 my parents, brother and sister and I moved to Brownwood. We took with us only what we could carry in a '66 mustang pulling a 5'x8' Uhaul trailer.  At the time I had less than a 35% breathing capacity, a sense of call, a sense of leading, a wonderfully supportive family, a college that didn't know quite what to do with me, and an awesome God.

The administration at Howard Payne was concerned that I would not be able to navigate between buildings and classes. The students took it upon themselves to be available to help me. For the most part, my mother took me to my each of my classes and waited for me to finish.  I asked no special favors.  Because I expected none, the teachers worked with me wonderfully when I missed classes.

Howard Payne University was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Christmas In the Hospital

Just before Christmas my first semester I came down with pneumonia. (Where have we heard that song before?) The doctor did not think I would live to see Christmas day. My family, church, teachers, and fellow students were praying for me. On Christmas morning,  when my parents came to see me, I was sitting up in bed waiting for them. (I love surprises, don't you!)

University classes were a struggle for me, not because the courses were difficult, but because I was absent so often due to my breathing problems and frequent sickness. It took me 17 years to finish my B.A. degree, but I graduated Summa Cum Laude. During my junior year I dropped out to establish and manage a tropical fish shop. It was 10 years before I was able to go back to finish my degree. (You didn’t think my 17 years of college was continuous did you?)

Declining Health--Questions Again

After about 4-5 years of running the fish shop together with my family's help, my health declined some more. A bed was set up downstairs so I could be available to answer questions for customers while my family ran the business for me. I knew God was with me, but I was frustrated. Why was this happening? And all the while people considered me an example, an inspiration of someone who never quit.

There were times I wanted to be that kind of an example and God did use me as one. But there were also times when I resented being an example. Why did people have to look up to me? I felt like I always had to be good and perfect in front of others. Through all of this the Lord was drawing me closer to Himself. I came to the point that I was willing to yield my will and life to God for whatever He allowed to happen. If He wanted to heal me He could, if not that was okay too.

Amazing Intervention

Over a period of time I had a growing sense that should ask our pastor to come, anoint me with oil and pray for my healing, according to the teaching of James chapter five. I talked to our pastor, Bill Johnson, and he hesitantly agreed to come. He believed that God could heal me and might heal me..., but he did not want me to be disappointed if God chose not to do so. When he came he brought six men with him. Only one of those men thought God would heal me. Most thought God could, but they were hesitant to ask, and one man thought I was on my deathbed because my breathing was so bad.  Two or three days after the men prayed for me I was up and running my business again. I was weak, but my strength came back quickly.  I was especially excited to be able to attend the revival services our church was holding the next week.

Note: there is nothing magical about being annointed with oil. God has healed many people without it. For me it was a matter of faith and obedience to what I sensed God wanted me to do. I also think God used the experience to minister to the men who participated.

Now don't misunderstand. I was not completely healed. I still had polio and I still had my lung condition, but from that point on my health took a dramatic turn for the better. The scar tissue in my lungs from my childhood lung hemorrhage diminished. My breathing capacity kept getting better and that in turn enabled me to do more. I had endurance like I never had before. I could walk more. My muscles got stronger. On one vacation my family and I the San Antonio Zoo. I walked the whole thing with my braces and crutches  without getting winded or hurting.  Another year we visited Longhorn caverns and I was able to walk that.  One summer we visited Carlsbad Caverns and I was able to walk that too--except for the entrance.  We took the elevator for that. I even toured through a moth-balled submarine on display in South Texas. I went the rest of that year without going to the hospital even once, and the same thing happened the next year. In fact, I went several years without having to go to the hospital.

Why didn't God heal me completely? I don't know. He knows what is best. I do know that I have a strong independent streak and a rebellious attitude; if God had totally healed me I do not know that I would have depended on Him. I might have become useless to Him. The important thing was that I was on a new journey, learning to trust God and His Word in a new way.

And there were a lot of things to learn to trust God with.  There were still issues and storms to deal with.  My business was struggling financially, I wanted to finish school, and I had no real social life.  The older I got, the more I became self-conscious about the fact that I was dependent on my family to take me places and to help me with things. I believed I was somewhat of a social misfit whenever I was outside my elements--my business, tropical fish & diseases or talking about the Bible and theology. Sometimes, I looked to God to eventually meet these needs like He had intervened in my health.  Other times,  I did not trust God.  Instead, I lapsed back into self-pity. It is ironic that there was such self-pity in me after all that God had done. Have you noticed that we never seem to be satisfied?  My health was better, but I wanted an even more normal life.

A Chance Meeting?

In the late 1970s something else happened that was going to impact the rest of my life. One Sunday I met young woman who had come to attend the Howard Payne University. Amazingly she happened to be from my home town of Grand Junction, CO. We had not known each other while we lived in Colorado, but we eventually became good friends. I almost let her get away, and she did move back to Colorado to teach after she graduated. In June of 1981 though, my parents and I, together with my brother and sister's families (Yep, they were both married), drove back to Grand Junction where Patty and I were married. We adopted Psalm 37:4-5 for the early years of our marriage: Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord trust in him and he will do this.

Health Crash?

In early September following our wedding I had a growing sense that God wanted me to go back to HPU, finish my degree, and then trust Him to open the doors for ministry. I sold the pet store (for a loss), but I could not begin taking classes. We had no resources for me to go school and we were just barely making it. Then toward the end of the month I developed breathing problems and ended up in the hospital. It had been ten years since I had had problems like these. In December I ended up in the hospital again for five days with pneumonia. My first Christmas in Texas was spent with me in the hospital, now Patty's and my first Christmas together was spent with me in the hospital.

When I was got out of the hospital, I was terribly weak. In the spring I ended back up in the hospital once more and then again three months later. Each time I got out of the hospital I was weaker than before. A total of 31 days out of our first year of marriage was spent with me in the hospital.  Unfortunately, my lung problems were not covered by Patty's insurance.

Financial needs skyrocketed. We took all our financial needs to the Lord in prayer. Every need was met, often in very unexpected ways. God took care of us as we focused our hearts and lives on Him. He will do this for anyone and everyone who will give their lives to Him. Every month our bills were met. My health had gotten bad enough that I applied for Social Security Disability. In September of 1982 we got word that I was approved and the rest of the $15,000 hospital bill was paid.

Something New

Over the years Patty and I have seen God answer many prayers for us. And He provided money for my schooling when we saw no way to pay for it. In 1983 God blessed our home with a son, James. I could not get over the wonder that I had a family and now a son! Back in my twenties, I had almost given up such hopes. That same year the Lord gave me a job at a local Christian bookstore and later that year the Lord called me to become the pastor of South Leon Baptist Church, about 45 miles from Brownwood. God had actually placed me in the pastorate! Something I was not sure would ever happen. To make it even sweeter God did it in His own special way. My life was taking a new direction.

My Dad's Death

Just before Father's Day in1985 my dad died. This was very sudden and a real blow to my whole family. I had gotten a lot closer to my dad over the past few years. He was growing in the Lord and was becoming a lot more open and affectionate. In some ways I was beginning to get to know my dad in a new way.

In the midst of our grief and sorrow, God provided a real sense of joy and peace. It is not something that can be explained. There was peace that God was in control and joy that my dad was with the Lord in heaven. God graciously enabled my brother and I to each bring a short message at the service. Something I will always cherish.

I served six years at as pastor of South Leon Baptist Church.  In 1990 I became interim pastor for my home church back in Brownwood.  After 9 months the church called a new pastor and I went back to work at the bookstore.  in 1994, I was asked to become an associate pastor at the church with an emphasis on education ministry. I enjoyed this very much. A couple of years later, I began becoming concerned about physical changes I was experiencing. My left hand was getting weaker and more atrophied.  My left foot was turning out more and I could not stand or walk for as long as I had been able to do.  Eventually, I discovered I was facing a new struggle called post polio syndrome. A disease I thought I had met, challenged and beaten, had asked for a rematch and I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared for it.

Before long I was also having trouble with my shoulders, elbows and neck.  Forty plus years on the crutches had caused deterioration in my shoulders and two deviated discs in my neck. Now I use a powerchair much of the time. I still walk as much as I can in order to maintain what strength I have left in my legs, but I must limit it--limit it a lot. I began experiencing more pain, fatigue, and sleeping problems.  I learned that these things typically go with PPS. 

There were times I became depressed over all this and resented having to go back to a wheelchair. Wheelchairs are not bad, but I shouldn't have to use them. That was supposed to have been left behind in high school. There were times I've been mad at God. In fact, I made some terrible choices for awhile. I resigned from the church staff in 1999. When I came face to face with my rebellion and anger, I turned back to God and asked for His forgiveness. God forgave me.

Patty and I both went to a counselor for awhile as part of putting our lives back together and strengthening our marriage. After all He has done for me, it is incomprehensible that I would rebel against Him and hurt Him. I am grateful for His peace and forgiveness.

New Job

Future

I do not know what the future holds for me health-wise.  Right now, I am doing pretty well and seem to be stable--both with my lungs and my PPS.  When I have breathing problems now, it is more from my lungs and diaphragm not expelling enough air to take in new air.  It is more of a restrictive breathing problem, than an obstructive one.  Some of what I have experienced can be linked to aging, but the PPS tends to amplify the problems of getting older.  Over the last 3 years I have lost weight.  The doctors tell me I am loosing muscle mass.  How far the PPS will progress is out of my control. 

I choose not to let myself dwell on the "what-ifs" anymore.  I try to conserve what I have left and not over-use it.  But whatever the future holds, one thing thing is true: God is greater than any problem we have or ever will have. He will never leave or forsake His child. He is always faithful. His presence is real and personal. There is no way I would ever want to try to live without Him.  Perhaps, I have learned a little more about actually trusting my Father.