|
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered it I found a well-groomed, nicely dressed couple. They wore leather jackets, leather pants and boots, they had chains and spikes and tattoos and body piercings... Like I said, a nice, well-groomed couple. However, in their hands they were clutching sheaves of pamphlets, which put me a little on my guard. The man spoke first:
|
|
John : |
"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary." |
Mary : |
"Hi! We're here to tell you about a wonderful website, and a story called Kissing Hank's A--" |
Me : |
"Ahem!" [Interrupting her and nodding toward my small children playing nearby.] |
Mary : |
[Looks from me to my kids and gets the picture. Then somewhat sullenly she says:] "Oh all right. Um...'Kissing Up to Hank' then. How's that?" |
Me : |
"Thanks. Yes, actually I've seen that stuff--Jim Huber's website, the Hank story... Yup, I've seen it." |
John : |
"Oh you have? Isn't it wonderful?" |
Me : |
"Well, I'm not sure I get the point." |
John : |
"Oh really? Well, we'll be glad to explain it to you!" |
Mary : |
"Yes! We've got pamphlets about it!" |
Me : |
"Yes, well I understand that the Hank story is about God..." |
John : |
"Right!" |
Me : |
"So what is it actually saying about God?" |
John : |
"Well, several things. Um, Number One, it's saying that worshipping God is really just--ahem--'kissing up' to him." |
Mary : |
"Number Two, it says that God is a tyrant because he threatens us with punishment if we don't follow him." |
John : |
"And Number Three, belief in God is foolish, because God gives us no evidence of his existence." |
Me : |
"I see. Well, maybe we could examine those three ideas a bit..." |
John : |
"Sure!" |
Me : |
"Okay, so once again, your three main points are:
1. 'Kissing up' to God, 2. Threats of punishment, and
3. Lack of evidence."
|
Mary : |
"Yes." |
Me : |
"Well then. Number One. How is it 'kissing up' to worship God? Is it 'kissing up' to love God? Or to obey God? Is it your belief that love is the same as 'kissing up'? Or that obedience--for example a child's obeying his parents--is simply the same thing as 'kissing up'?" |
John : |
[He looks at a loss for a moment, then suddenly begins feverishly searching through his pamphlets.] |
Mary : |
[Also poring through her pamphlets] "Hmm...that's a good question." |
John : |
"Hmm... It doesn't seem to say anywhere in here what exactly Reverend Huber means by 'kissing up'..." |
Me : |
"I know what you mean. He never says why loving God is 'kissing up.' So it's kind of hard to answer his charge--it's undefined, so it's basically meaningless." |
John : |
"Well...I mean, all this worshipping and adoring stuff..." |
Me : |
"Hey, I adore my wife. What's wrong with adoring?" |
Mary : |
"Ah, yes, but does your wife threaten to punish you if you don't love her? No!" |
Me : |
"So we're moving on to Number Two now? Okay then... So you say my wife wouldn't punish me for not loving her. Well, I don't know about that... If I completely stopped loving my wife--if I ignored her, never paid any attention to her or even acknowledged that she existed--she just might leave me!" |
John : |
"So?" |
Me : |
"Well, hey, if my wife left me I'd be miserable! Maybe when I was with her I didn't realize how much I depended on her, but once she was gone I would suddenly realize it!" |
Mary : |
"So what does this have to do with God punishing people?" |
Me : |
"Everything. We're talking about abandoning those who refuse to show love. That's exactly what God does to those who abandon Him. That's what hell is." |
John : |
"Oh come on. Hell is a lake of fire and demons with pitchforks. Everyone knows that." |
Me : |
"The fire is just symbolic of the remorse of those who are abandoned by God because they rejected Him first. Sometimes the symbolism is fire, and sometimes it's "outer darkness" (e.g. Matt. 8:12), but what these symbols stand for is the fact of being cast out from God's presence (e.g. Luke 13:28)." |
Mary : |
"Well okay, punishment is one thing, but eternal punishment? Why should it be eternal?" |
Me : |
"Oh, so you now agree with me that some kind of punishment is justified, but you just disagree on the amount of it? You're saying that your objection Number Two is invalid?" |
John : |
"Hey look, none of this matters anyway, because God just doesn't exist!" |
Me : |
"What makes you so confident of that?" |
John : |
"My point Number Three does--if God existed he would show himself to me somehow instead of hiding away like he seems to do!" |
Me : |
"Oh? Okay, could you tell me one more time what you think of the God of the Bible?" |
John : |
"Sure. He's a petty tyrant who delights in terrorizing people and torturing them if they don't toe the line. He tells his followers to kill people who are different from themselves--" |
Me : |
"Okay, I think we get the picture. So if that's your attitude toward God, why would He want to show Himself to you?" |
John : |
"What?" |
Me : |
"Why would God want to show Himself to you? So you could tell Him to His face how much you despise Him, now that you have learned that He is real? Why would God care to pay you a visit just to hear you revile Him and mock Him?" |
John : |
"No, no. If I found out that God existed I wouldn't curse him to his face. I'd fall down and worship him!" |
Me : |
"Even though nothing would change except that you found out that this God you thought was so cruel and petty actually exists? See, that's the difference between you and me. I know that God is just and righteous and loving, whereas you are determined to see Him as cruel and unjust. I worship Him because He is good, but you would worship Him even though you thought He was evil. I think we've just determined who the real butt-kisser is." |
John : |
[Grabs Mary by the arm.] "Come on, Mary. We don't have to listen to this!" |
Mary : |
[But she resists being dragged away.] "Yeah, well it's not just people who think he's cruel. God never reveals himself to anybody!" |
Me : |
"On the contrary! Those who truly seek Him will find Him. I did, and so have countless others! But hey--I have one more question for you." |
Mary : |
"What's that?" |
Me : |
"Well, maybe more than one. At what age can a child eat a hot dog?" |
Mary : |
"Huh? Well, I dunno... I'd say maybe two years old. Why?" |
Me : |
"Okay. And at what age can a child learn to ski?" |
Mary : |
"Oh, I suppose a 5-year-old would have enough coordination and physical development to start learning. What are you getting at?" |
Me : |
"So at what age is a child ready to have sex?" |
Mary : |
"Sex? Well! Certainly not until they're emotionally mature enough. For some maybe it's 16, for others maybe 18 or 19..." |
Me : |
"So, for eating hot dogs or skiing it's just a matter of physical ability, but for having sex there are deeper emotional issues involved?" |
Mary : |
"Sure there are..." |
Me : |
"Okay, I just wondered, because that website you're promoting seems to think that sex is no more of a big deal than grabbing a hot dog at the nearest hot dog stand." |
John : |
[His patience is at an end. He grabs Mary again.] "Come on. Obviously we're dealing with some kind of prudish, Victorian Neanderthal here. We're leaving!" |
|
And leaving me to ponder that curious juxtaposition of epithets, they jumped in their car and sped off. |
|
Hey, there's more! Click here for Hank Parody Number 2!