Dunk on them! Dunk on them all!

Signs you've been watching too much basketball 

10. You enthusiastically slap your waiter on the butt 
       after good service 
9.  Pictures of zebras make you physically ill 
8.  Break-away garbage can 
7.  Call in to work saying you're on the "Injured List" 
6.  Name your first born Shaquille 
5.  Yell "Out of bounds!" when someone steps off
        the sidewalk
4.  Dive on the floor to recover dropped keys
3.  Always respond to questions with a 
        resounding "Yesssssssssss" 
2.  Trash-talk the car dealership to get into his head 
1.  You're one of only 11 people in the world who 
        can spell Mutombo's full name

Suggested Expansion Teams 

10. Jacksonville Peace Frogs 
9.  St. Louis Billionaires 
8.  Tallahassee Not-So-Magicals 
7.  Mexico City Borderales 
6.  The Bahamas Baracutas 
5.  Antarctic Shooters 
4.  Minnesota Fog (same division as the LA Lakers) 
3.  New Orleans Mormons (same division as the Utah Jazz) 
2.  Hartford 13-18 Year Old Leapers 
1.  New York Thugs  (oops, taken) 

New Rules / Changes for Next Year 

10. Team with best dressed head coach receives an extra 
       time-out 
9.  Miami Heat only play the first round of the playoffs 
8.  Marv Albert must learn a new catchline 
7.  After the All-Star break, the Clippers and the second worst 
      team play in the CBA for the remainder of the season 
6.  Darrell Armstrong is prohibited from keeping sugar on the 
      bench
5.  Visible tattoes limited to 16 
4.  To improve league free throw percentage, Shaq gets one 
      "do-over" each trip to the line 
3.  A made shot behind half court will now be worth 4 points 
2.  The unofficial Dennis Rodman Award will be officially 
      recognized as the Rasheed Wallace Unsportsmanship Award 
1.  You get a technical foul for just plain looking ugly 

Miami Heat Excuses

10. My shoe commercial starts next week 
9.  Repeated muggings by New York players before the games 
8.  Sunburn started peeling 
7.  "Bench production"?  Huh? 
6.  Concerned about spraining ankle on Coach VanGundy 
5.  Tried some of Pat's hair gel--didn't work out so well 
4.  We do most of our scoring off the court 
3.  Killer cross-oops! 
2.  There are rounds after this one?! 
1.  Fav song: Monster Mash!

Signs you're a bench-warmer

10. One word:  Splinters! 
9.  Don't wear anything under the warm-ups 
8.  Constantly mistaken for Al Gore from behind (STIFF!) 
7.  You're 5'2" 
6.  Assistant Coach gives you crossword puzzles 
       before the game 
5.  The guy ahead of you just made the All-Star Team 
4.  You take off your jersey and neatly fold it 
       for the next game 
3.  Referred to as either a "project" or a 
       "seasoned veteran" 
2.  At home games you've developed your own seat groove 
1.  Go buy a hotdog during time-out