>^..^< comic relief >^..^<

"Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles

Comic Relief for Smiles

CAT HAIKU

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit, hairball somewhere
Will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?

Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

I want to be close to you.
Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams
My claws are not that sharp.

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"

Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

CAT COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as though thou are transparent.

Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

HOW TO TALK ABOUT CATS & STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

I'm not aloof.
I am Hominoidally Unimpressed

I don't shed.
I develop Follicle Abdication

I don't scratch.
I cause temporary hemoglobin displacement.

I don't purr.
I am aurally appreciative.

I am not indifferent.
I am Dispassionately Neutral.

I'm not small.
I am Corpus Compactus.

I am not fat.
I have a Distended Cat Food Storage Facility.

I am not asleep.
I am temporarily inert.

I don't chase mice.
I am Rodent Defiant.

I am not fussy.
I become a Fastidious Feline

I am not hungry.
I suffer from Craving Derangement Disorder

I'm not fixed.
I am Romantically Inaccessible.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS BECOME INVOLVED IN A GLOBAL CONSPIRACY

10. Refuses to reveal real name. Insists that you simple call him "Cuddles."

9. Starts caterwauling and trying to distract you whenever you're listening to important news about the Y2K problem.

8. Your phone is mysteriously blocked from dialing 10-10-LUCKYDOG

7. The way your living room looks in the morning, you suspect other cats have been meeting there secretly at night.

6. Third sealed bag of dog food to contain kibbles but no bits.

5. Hurls a hairball onto your computer after overhearing you talk of switching from Microsoft Internet Explorer to another browser.

4. Seems to enjoy The Wizard of Oz's Evil Flying Monkey Marching Sequence WAY too much.

3. Stares motionless out of the window as if trying to decipher secret message in passing cloud.

2. Rolls over and purrs like a kitten as soon as the Cigarette Smoking Man appears on the X-Files.

1. Wants a purse and triangle "just like Tinky Winky the Teletubby."

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS LEARNED YOUR INTERNET PASSWORD

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: www.feline.com.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

4 Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUIN

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.

2. DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

3. GUESTS:
Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath.
For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing.
For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.
When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here."
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK:
If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering.
Following are the rules for hampering:
A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded. Your human will appreciate a home-made toy!
C. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doz. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

5. PLAY:
It is important. Get enough sleep in the day time so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o-the-hill on their bed between 2am and 4am.
MOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

CAT LOVER'S QUOTES

"When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?" -- Montaigne

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." --Bruce Graham

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." --Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." --Anonymous

"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." --Anonymous

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE "CATAPHOBIA" WHEN.....

... you refer to going to the bathroom as "using the litterbox"
... you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair
... you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber
... you apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark
... you snap your fingers & pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down
... you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute
... you accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor
... you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids
... you decorate your Christmas tree with dangly cat toys
... your neighbors refer to you as "the crazy one with all the cats"
... you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet
... you refer to your cat as your furry child
... your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry "grandchild"
... you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule
... you accidentally call your spouse by your cat's name
... you set a place at the dinner table for your cat
... you have a set of towels with "His" "Hers" and "Kitty's"
... you call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat
... you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine
... you and kitty have matching outfits
... your spouse says, "Me or the cat!," and there's no hesitation
... you never go to the door unless it's to let a cat out
... your favorite friends have fleas
... you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the catbox
... you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.
... you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers
... you are lost for conversation with non-cat people
... you meow so well, you confuse the cats
... you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore... at length

TIGGERS

The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful things.
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs.
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy,
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the best thing about Tiggers is
I'm the only one!

LITTLE KNOWN FELINE AILMENTS

Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.

COLLAPSIBLE LEGS Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

SNUDGING Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dryoff snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.

BED-HOGGING Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).

IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.

LAP FUNGUS DISORDER Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure.

SMURGLING Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

GREEBLINGZ Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.