Tonight, on the eve of the first session of CTY, Alan and I had a conversation about CTY, and how we always felt the night before in years past, and how that affects us now. I think its gives a large insight to what goes on in alot of CTYers heads each year. Maybe you can understand what is going on in our heads, maybe you cant, but read on if you will. Please also keep in mind, this is just a normal conversation that we had. I didn't think of posting it up, until after we said goodnight the first time. These are our honest feelings, nothing's fabricated. I apologize in advance to anyone this might offend. Alan did give me permission to post this on my page.

RabidSaxophone: hey!
Tallone14: hey hey
RabidSaxophone: how you?
Tallone14: alright, you?
RabidSaxophone: bored i guess. im going to have trouble going to sleep
Tallone14: i always couldn't sleep the night before
RabidSaxophone: yeah...too much excitementy stuf
Tallone14: yea
Tallone14: i bet
RabidSaxophone: my family all went away tongiht...was fun
Tallone14: why fun?
RabidSaxophone: cause i got to be alone and i didnt have to put up wioth them
Tallone14: oh ok
RabidSaxophone: yeah...
RabidSaxophone: sigh...its like standing on the brink now
RabidSaxophone: i know that i am going ot be changed in the next six weeks. for better or for worse, but you never go throuhg a session without finding more of yourself, or somehow changing. i just dont know how that change will happen
Tallone14: yea
Tallone14: i always tried to anticipate that, but i always ended up changing in a completely different way
Tallone14: then i just gave up, and concentrated on just letting the change happen
RabidSaxophone: thats got to be the best
RabidSaxophone: i dont relaly consider myself to be the person i am until after the last session of cty
Tallone14: yea
Tallone14: what do you mean, that's the best?
RabidSaxophone: i trace my personality as some sort of evolution
Tallone14: me too :-)
Tallone14: its nice to see how much i've changed
RabidSaxophone: and the modern species of 'alan' didnt emerge until last sunmmer during cty
Tallone14: :-) me neither
Tallone14: i wasn't truely complete until i finished up that last day
RabidSaxophone: i know
Tallone14: :-)
RabidSaxophone: it was soo drastic
Tallone14: oh yea
RabidSaxophone: like...danly for instance...
Tallone14: it was so confusing
Tallone14: cause i looked in the mirror, and i knew i wasn't the same person
RabidSaxophone: i went there and i sawh him and i went "ooooohhhhkay"
RabidSaxophone: then i had kevin for a roommate
RabidSaxophone: and that sort of changed a lto
RabidSaxophone: knowing people like him and zoot....not just judging from a distance
Tallone14: oh yea
Tallone14: i felt so bad
RabidSaxophone: i know
Tallone14: cause i completely judged her the year before
Tallone14: and once i got to knew her, i really really liked who she was
RabidSaxophone: I know...
Tallone14: she was just true to herself
RabidSaxophone: more than i could have been then
Tallone14: definetly
RabidSaxophone: I cant wait to go back
Tallone14: ::sighs::
Tallone14: right about now, i really wish i could
RabidSaxophone: you're going to do okay.
RabidSaxophone: you're goihg to have a lot of fun in europe
RabidSaxophone: you know
RabidSaxophone: i was talking to ari
Tallone14: i know
Tallone14: about?
RabidSaxophone: and she said that she doesnt really want to go back
RabidSaxophone: almost that she'd be out of place, past her time
Tallone14: i can understand
Tallone14: i would feel that too
RabidSaxophone: i kind of feel it now
RabidSaxophone: i think that after a few weeks i'll be able to let it go
Tallone14: in a way, i'm glad last year was my last year
RabidSaxophone: why?
Tallone14: i thought i was going back
RabidSaxophone: you never had that shock...
Tallone14: right
Tallone14: i enjoyed myself
Tallone14: i didn't worry about anything
RabidSaxophone: yeah...i know
Tallone14: like i wasn't sitting there wasting time, thinking and feeling awful it was my last year
RabidSaxophone: yeah...i guess not
RabidSaxophone: but its hard to waste a moment at cty, even if you arent doing anything
Tallone14: i know
Tallone14: i think it would put a damper on my mood though
RabidSaxophone: yeah...i guess
Tallone14: knowing that's the last time you do that thing
RabidSaxophone: i was really upset last time
RabidSaxophone: because i had made such good friends with so many people
Tallone14: oh definetly
RabidSaxophone: and before i lost contact with all my other friends
RabidSaxophone: i was sort of convinced that no matter how close you were, you'd drift apart once you got out of cty
Tallone14: definetly
Tallone14: because the other two years we never stayed that close
RabidSaxophone: yeah, i know
Tallone14: i mean they're here now if i need them
RabidSaxophone: our class was something else
Tallone14: but i'm not as close to them as i am to you guys
RabidSaxophone: who is them, and who is you guys?
Tallone14: them= ctyers i met during 97 and 98
Tallone14: you guys is cty 99
RabidSaxophone: ooh, yeha i know!
Tallone14: i mean, they're totally my friends still, and if i ever needed to talk, they'd be there, you know?
Tallone14: but we dont keep in touch as much
RabidSaxophone: ive completely lost contact with them
RabidSaxophone: i was sort of convicned that that was waht always happened
Tallone14: i always made the effort to keep in touch
Tallone14: but i've learned if you're still really close after january after cty, you'll always be that close
RabidSaxophone: ::smile::
Tallone14: ::smile::
RabidSaxophone: it was weird
RabidSaxophone: there WAS a period when we kind of lost touch, wasnt there?
Tallone14: yea
Tallone14: but i think that was around midterms
RabidSaxophone: ooh
Tallone14: in the slump period for school
RabidSaxophone: okay
RabidSaxophone: well allison, i think im going to go
Tallone14: alright
RabidSaxophone: have a wonderful time in europe
Tallone14: have a great time ok?
Tallone14: thanks
RabidSaxophone: I'll write!
Tallone14: i'll write too!
RabidSaxophone: ::hug::

Tallone14: ::hugs:: give them all hugs for me
Tallone14: have a wonderful time
RabidSaxophone: goodbye allison!
RabidSaxophone: love you!
Tallone14: i love you too
Tallone14: goodnight
RabidSaxophone: bye

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