Sonny's relationship

Until Sonny get's his veiwpoint of our relationship up, here are my (his lover's) views on it.

Sonny is a black, gay, conservative republican (can you hear the crickets chirping?) in an interracial relationship with a white, gay (amazing how that works, isn't it?), liberal democrat. Today's burning issue: do we need a third for a reverse oreo?

We've been together since May, 1989. A long time. By my reckoning, we've been in a non-married, commited state for longer than most marriages last. Personally, I use our relationship to repudiate the Rightous Right's assertion of gays being doomed to shallow relationships. In their mythology, evil cannot abide itself a long time. This is what they cite when most gay relationships end. They contend our relationship will end. I figure they will be right--in about 40 more years. OK, I'm ranting. Click here for more of my marriage and homophobia rants.

Back to the serious stuff. Contrary to most people's expectations, I did not go looking for a black man. Size, real or mythical, does not impress me. Face it--some are pretty to look at but aren't coming anywhere near me. I found a man who meets my desires; someone who understands the butterfly principle.

On the surface, we differ. Our views on affirmative action and emotions are examples. However, we both laugh a lot and really enjoy each other. My favorite anecdote involves when his family really began to accept me.

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Affirmative action. It really surprised me when I found out that Sonny and I differed on this. I figured that if affirmative action had lasted 80 years, two generations, it would become moot. In 80 years, people would be so used to minorities in upper ranks of companies that no-one would object. I figured it would take two generations because some people are very slow to learn and you have to wait for them to die. I also believe that no place is going to hire a total incompetent to do a job. Anyone hired would have the minimal talents to do the job. Sonny hated it. He felt he was getting a job because he was black, not because he was the best qualified. Being a white male, I had never really considered that as I thought the prejudice and societal injustices so horrid that some short-term injustices had to happen to allow us, the nation, to heal from this horrible disease. Government must spread injustices as fairly as possible. Return.

Butterfly principle

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never yours to begin with. My friend Dorris has more vicious viewpoint--if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it. Return.

Emotions.

Oddly, this has been a bigger problem for us than money, the #1 killer of relationships. We handled money by one of us handling all financial matters. Until three years ago, I handled them. Now Sonny does. We trade off. It works for us. Emotions have been a bigger problem. He's good about telling me he loves me and shows it well in our play. But he hates talking about what is making him sad, upset, or the other "negative" emotions. I want to help him however I can which often is just by listening to someone's problems. One of the things Sonny LOATHES is when I get angry because he shuts down. This makes me angrier and we end up with the infamous midnight talks. But when I hurt, feel left out or pushed out, I have to deal with it then before it festers. The opposite of love is NOT hate. It is indifference. And that is what I fight. Talking is the only way. When we first got together I told him

"If I ever find you sleeping with someone else for sex, I'll say 'pass me a condom and let's have fun.' If I ever find you sleeping with someone else because you can't talk to me, I'm leaving."

I was serious. He believed me. And we've been together ever since. Return.

Why is a gay marriage threatening?

Not too many years ago, there was a big stir in every state legislature and even in Congress where the conservatives had to defend the sacred institution of marriage from the hideous onslaught of gays wanting to get married. Why is this so threatening?

A cynic, like me, would say those threatened by gays getting married are probably scared that our rate of divorce would shame them. That was an unfair dig, I know. I figure that the real reasons are much more subtle. As long as gays cannot get married, we can be pointed at as living an immoral lifestyle; living in sin, encounters in the night, and institutionalized punishment.

Think about it. We have to pay lawyers to get the same inheritance rights that come with marriage. If one of us gets sick, then the other can be denied entry into a hospital to see them--unless they have a medical power of attorney. When one dies, the funeral home has the option of completely ignorning the surviving partners desires--they have no rights at all. Can you think of a more insidious punishment than being unable to see your spouse when they are sick or to tend to their final needs?

It's bad enough that two men holding hands will cause teenage girls to titter and point (although that is often done to straight people too) and teenage boys to get a surge of testosterone and feel threatened. It's bad enough that every straight man who has a male roommate is automatically assumed to be gay. Why do they deny us marriage also?

What rights come with marriage? Some are social and some are theological. Socially, there are the ones all ready mentioned. Additionally, married couples get to pay more in taxes, share credit ratings, and other legal benefits which are often overlooked such as implicit power-of-attorney. The final social benefit is closely related to the theological ones; an acceptance of the union of two people who put each other's welfare nearly equal to their own.

Marriage promotes social, both societal and interpersonal, stability. If you want to keep a group divided, deny them marriage. Marriage promotes people to join groups and form larger social units. Marriage provides the strength to band together and fight for social causes which matter, such as hate crime legislation, mental health help for those dealing with society's hatred, and moral acceptance by our peers. Return.

Homophobia

What is the difference between two men having sex and two women having sex? Many straight men find the former to be repulsive and the latter a fantasy. Why?

Could it be that men don't want to be treated the same as they treat women? Return.

Our Relationship Anecdote

It was after midnight when we got the Sonny's family call that a cousin was dying in the hospital. We went to the hospital and Sonny got in by saying he was a relative. I got in by saying I was the White Sheep of the family. The nurse laughed and let us in. When I told Mama Scott and Grandma what I told the nurse, they nearly fell out of their chairs laughing. And then I knew I was part of their extended family. Return.