Living with People who don't care about You

Introduction
To improve our sense of security, it's that it is useful to analyze why people behave the way they do, most people attempt to understand people without realising it. But, like most things, this talent can be abused e.g. by advertisers and bullies, or used to benefit humanity, which includes you! Everyone does it a bit anyway, even if they don't think they are; we try and understand why people behave the way they do. So by perfecting this skill we can prevent people from hurting us and the people we care for.

Socrates said in Plato's "Republic" (Book 7: the Cave Simile ) that mankind has it's eyes set on shadows, and therefore can't find the truth. He suggests that a wise person will get up, turn around and see the people and objects that cast those shadows, then he will be able to understand why the shadows behave the way they do. Likewise, I say that rather than feel that we are at the mercy of other people's actions, we can, by perceiving their beliefs, intentions and weaknesses, understand why they behave the way they do, and then assert our right to freedom and respect.

To explain my point I'd like to share a few experiences I had recently. You can see how I analyzed the people concerned (with the help of others), how I changed my opinion about them and people in general, and grew much more assertive and confident as a result;

The Uncaring Fellow-Worker
I recently was working in a office as a temporary employee, the actions of a fellow employee;

1. She was quite pleasant in a general sense.
2. When I shared with her my personal life or feelings she ignored them.
3. She was very confident.
4. She didn't like thinking about things very deeply.

There were some deadlines that put pressure on us both. She would be nice when she wanted things done, even if they boarded on serving her every desire; e.g. On several occasions she asked me to phone someone and relay messages to and from the person to her, although a phone was right next to her. Each time I felt uncomfortable about doing it but considered she was a friend, so I did as she asked (believing that not to could be threatening our friendship).

Now that was the key point "I considered she was a friend". However, I was a little confused that although she was quite pleasant, she ignored any non-work related topic I would raise.

"I believed that everyone wanted to gain personal friendships, given the opportunity."

That belief turned out to be incorrect, and the fact that she gave conflicting signals (pleasant yet uncaring) cause me quite a bit of stress.

Anyway, on my final day when she asked me once again to perform this slave like task, I said "why don't you ring up yourself, there's a phone right next to you", she replied, "oh, I couldn't be bothered, I've got other things on my mind". Which was quite an illogical reply as once I would ring the person, she would be relaying questions etc. via me to the other person, which would occupy her mind and time more than if she had rung them herself.

I finally realized that she had no interest in personal friendship, she was just using her charm to get what she wanted, even if her wants included having personal slaves, and in the past she must have been very successful. I therefore concluded that I had nothing to loose so I said "what happened to your last slave". She was a little shocked, then went quite, and made all her subsequent phone calls from the phone on her desk. However, following that incident she continued to be pleasant and uncaring, no different to before, which confirmed my idea that she wasn't interested in a friendship. I don't think she really thought about things much; other than treating me with some respect (which was a refreshing change!), she continued with her way of thinking, my comments were "like water off a ducks back" as the saying goes.

Now, it would be nice to get her to think deeper about her situation and the 'big picture', however it was very unlikely that she would even entertain the idea, she often said "don't think just do it!". So the moral to that little story for me was "Not everyone is interested in gaining friendships", and I then had a look around at some of my friends and realized that although I considered them my friends I wasn't their's! Another step in my personal development concluded.

The Drug Addict
Now whilst at work I was getting a hard time, at home one weekend a similar situation occurred, but one which could have turned quite distressful. I had moved to this street a few months prior to these events, not knowing it there were several heroin addicts living nearby.

I was walking up to my front door when one guy yelled "Hey you!" in a abusive manner. I went to the fence and he and his friend (both appeared rough and thin, typical of heroin addicts). He relayed a story of how my old dog got out, chewed up his friend's thong and how it was chased and ran back behind my fence. I questioned them on how it got out, or indeed where it got back in, and where is the thong in question. They dismissed these questions. I considered my situation; two desperate people telling a lie to secure $30 (the highly inflated price they claimed the thongs were worth). Although there story was clearly flawed, they became more threatening the more I went along with it (I feared upsetting them). I said "give me both thongs and I'll get you another pair", rather than give them any money.

I then considered the situation I could be setting up; I am giving in to two scary people who could become violent. Now if I give into their demands I am showing them that I have a weakness that they will no doubt continue to abuse, making other false claims in the future, possibly just using threats themselves to get money from me (like stand-over men in the days of Prohibition).

So I thought who would be an expert in this field? Answer; the Police. I drove down to the Police thinking of how this situation could get out of control. They told me how they think; they bluff you, try and see if you have a weakness, a fear, and capitalize on that weakness to get what they desperately want - money for drugs. They suggested that I, being taller than them, should have flexed some muscle and just told them to "piss off". Being tuff in return was the only way I was going to prevent a situation where I would be living in fear. Now I'm not a violent person, however I considered his points and he said that the fact that you're prepared to fight is usually enough for them to back-off and leave you alone.

Well, a few days later one them turned up as I was arriving home without the thongs but claiming the $30. Although I hadn't fought anyone since I was 10 years old, as soon as I saw him my back was raised and anger built-up, which was difficult to control. I was simmering and ready to channel all the anger I had held inside me from events unrelated to him into a rage, and belt him up until he ran for his life; I needed him to fear upsetting me, rather than me being in fear of him. I refused to give him anything, as we argued, he moved back, and back, and walked away from me saying he'll see me in court. I made a point of yelling at him loud enough for the other drug users in my street to take note; "I won't take no shit!". It took several hours for the unexpressed rage to subside.

Now I live in the country, where stabbings and shootings are rare. Of course if the other person has weapons, you'll have to be a bit more restrained with your come-back, and know when you'll have to give them what they want. But showing fear is something they seem to be always keen to see. If someone has a weapon, give them what they want, but try to give the impression that you don't really care much about the thing you're giving them, rather than showing you are gripped by fear. Well that's my advice anyway.

Conclusion
Now you might be thinking how rude, using words like "piss-off" and "I don't take no shit!". We need to communicate to people what we want them to understand. By avoiding swear words when dealing with uncivilized people, we are sending a message, a weakness that we have. Our mother, big brother, or even the police aren't always going to be there! We have to equip ourselves with the tools we need to live in a world that isn’t full of 'nice' people. Be nice to nice people, assertive to uncaring people, and hostile to those that threaten you. If you own a dog you'll see they behave in much the same way, mostly bluff's but occasionally there is a fight.

In both examples my belief that "people wanted to have you as a personal friend", was shown to be flawed. As a result I no longer believe that; I no longer seek to satisfy the needs of others to ensure there are no obstacles to gaining their friendship. I just try and be reasonable and if a friendship results, good, if not, well, I'm not going to feel rejected, because they probably weren't even interested in gaining my friendship anyway.

I hope these two real life stories have shed some light on how you can confidently live in a less than perfect world. For other examples see Incorrect Belief Examples.

How do you think the guy on the towel should respond to his oppression?

people have read this page since May 1999.