October 1998 thoughts



10/30 - I'm not going to be updating my thought pages regularly anymore. I may write in here from time to time. I may start writing in here regularly again at some point. But for now, I'm too busy, don't feel inspired enough, I'm not sure what if anything people are interested in reading, and my home page doesn't hold quite the interest (obsession?) it once did for me.


10/29 - I would like get the statistics on the relative popularity of different baby names for 1998, to see if fewer and fewer people named their baby girls "Monica" or "Linda" as the year progressed.


10/28 - It is somewhat of a theme in my life that strangers and acquaintances show more interest in what I do and who I am than family and friends, and especially guys I am romantically involved with. This is starting to *really piss me off*.


10/27 - Immediately after I completed writing something which was inspired by a young Jewish boy's question about God, I checked my online email, to find one new message: a spam ad for "Synagogues Online." I love experiencing synchronicity. It's the closest thing to experiencing God that an atheist like me will ever feel. (Hmmm, and reading back I now remember that "Havah Nagilah" popped into my head a week or so ago...is someone trying to tell me to become a Jew? :)

There is also a similar phenomenon, that when you learn a new word, you suddenly start seeing that word *everywhere*. Sometimes it is very hard to believe that you were just not noticing it before. Last term in a philosophy class called "Democracy at Risk," we read and learned about Tocqueville. I swear I had never ever seen a reference to him before, but when I was taking that class I suddenly started seeing words like "Tocquevillesque" and "Tocquevillian" a lot, especially in newspapers and magazines.


10/26 - In our society, we very much stress going after things, actively achieving, pushing for what we want. But I have noticed that there is something to be said for letting things come to you. Doing what you most naturally do (or at any rate, what is most you, even if it requires some discipline) often strangely yields opportunity from unexpected quarters, while the most strenous efforts to gain something are not rewarded. Or at least this has been my experience. What could I make of this? That there is a design? A fate? At least, that I should focus on process rather than product, on doing something purely rather than for a desired consequence, that I should let the consequences take care of themselves.

I wonder how common this experience is for other folks. Time and time again, I have tried hard for something and failed to get it, meanwhile things that I have done for pleasure, or which barely seemed to require any effort on my part, and for which I expected no reward, have been rewarded, appreciated, noticed, recognized, with no effort on my part. Jobs have fallen into my lap at just the right time, where strenuously seeking a job had failed; recognition has been given and responsibilities have been offered based on things I did for pleasure, while when I seek recognition for those same things or others, I fail.

Maybe the universe does have designs of its own.


10/25 - I don't remember where I read it, but I recall being exposed to the idea that one should write down a list of fifty things that she has not done yet but hopes to experience during her lifetime, and to make sure that she does as many of them as possible. These things should be aside from career goals; they should be things you want to do for pleasure or fulfillment alone, and which may fall by the wayside if you're not careful.

This is my list so far, in no particular order:

I suggest you start your own list -- it's fun, and setting them down, admitting that you want them, is the first step to doing them.


10/22, 23, 24 - a bunch of unedited thoughts on work and jobs

The "work ethic" is a load of bullcrap. There was a time when we probably needed to feel morally impelled to work our fingers to the bone. For example, if they hadn't had the "work ethic" instilled in them, early non-native Americans probably couldn't have survived in this country. I believe I've heard that this is where, in large part, we got our work ethic, from the Puritans. Now, however, it's ridiculous to what extent people feel it is morally virtuous to work hard. Not work smart, not contribute something, not enjoy ourselves, and *certainly* not take time out and rethink things and see whether the work we're doing is even necessary, just *work*. For the most part, it's not a conscious and well-reasoned idea, it's an unexamined, hand-me-down value.

And even if work is important, other things are more important. When a parent rushes out of the house without eating breakfast, for example, they are sending the clear message to their children that work is paramount, even over one's health.

I have the silly idea that there are only two reasons to work: 1. because you need money (and even then, people do not need anything like the amount of money they think they need)(plus, you need *money*, you don't need to *work* per se, make this distinction, people!), and 2. because you want to, feel inspired to do something, have found your calling, are enjoying yourself, whatever. There is a Buddhist saying that the person who does not find joy in her work might as well go sit outside the temple and beg, because it is a greater moral offense to do work without joy than to be idle. (Yes, I know one solution to that is to work on finding joy in whatever work you do).

And the types of jobs that are out there are so often soul-killing. They mean nothing. Everything has been parcelled out into tiny, tiny bits, and most people spend their time working endlessly on the same bit. It is hard to see a reason behind much work. It is hard for many people to see, not abstractly but really feel and know, that their work has a purpose. They are working on one part of an assembly line, whether literal or figurative.

I live about an hour outside Washington, DC, and many in my community commute to jobs in DC. If you ask most people why they would drive two or more hours a day in order to do this, they will tell you that the jobs in DC pay more, but they want their children to live in a suburb rather than the city. Meanwhile, where is the money going? To pay for all the gas, wear and tear on the car, parking, extra insurance, fancier business clothes, more dry cleaning, lots of takeout and prepared food, extra day care/babysitter... I don't want to speak for what people's real motivations are, but I don't think most actually net more money than they would if they worked closer to home. And even if they do, they aren't being paid for the 10 hours of their life every week they spend driving the commute.

I hate resumes. I hate the mentality that they lead to. Accomplishments are immediately processed into soundbytes which will impress an employer.

So much of the work that people slave away at and are paid a pittance for is so that a few ultra wealthy men can add a few more zeros to their net worth. But of course it is necessary for the smooth running of the operation that people are brainwashed into being good citizens and cooperating. More people should start their own businesses, and more people should patronize small businesses. Big business shafts its customers in part because it does not have to see its customers as people. The small, local business person is less likely to rip off customers whom she's known her whole life and whom she meets face to face in her store. Running a business also puts one in touch with the whole range of work skills and tasks that's missing from most people's highly specialized jobs.

More people should also rethink what they really "need" and whether it is worth it to spend their one and only life on earth selling themselves for a shinier car or new kitchen appliances.

More people should introduce themselves by what they enjoy doing, not what they are paid to do. It is empowering to refuse to conform in the simple, yet destructive social game of "what do you do?" The next time you are asked this, try telling the truth. Like "Well... I enjoy gardening, I sew, I keep bees, I work as a secretary... I jog, I meditate, I volunteer at the hospital..." Because every time you answer simply "I am a secretary," you reinforce the erroneous idea that one is one's work. Try saying "I work in --" or "I work as --," rather than "I am."

In general, I want work to be reframed as more about the individual, his values, likes, strengths, needs -- and less about wage slavery, social duckstepping, and mindless tradition.

I somehow gained the sense -- growing up upper middle class, and being placed in the advanced track at school -- that blue-collar workers, say people who did construction work, were lesser than. I should have instead been receiving the message, "hey, isn't it nice that those people are building roads for everyone? Roads are pretty handy things to have." Perhaps the Man sees a value in reinforcing the idea that blue-collar workers are lesser than. And hey, if they get the blue collar workers themselves to believe that, they're all set! They have ready made slaves who won't rock the boat.

And along with all my babbling on work, let me add something about higher education. I hate the way college is being seen in terms of career preparation only. Someone asked me a while back "what I was going [to college] for," and I answered "to learn." He simply did not understand. Once upon a time, people actually went to college to learn, to grow, to enrich their experience. Career preparation was a secondary goal. I am especially concerned that people now see college as simply career preparation, because a college degree is less and less likely to get them the type of job they want. The bar is being raised. In a few years, I expect you'll need a Master's degree to direct traffic. If people go to college to learn, they won't feel cheated if their degree doesn't get them the career they'd wanted.

I also have to say, and this may seem to contradict my egalitarian attitudes elsewhere, but -- not everyone belongs in college. At my school, there are people who simply are not bright or motivated enough to get much out of the experience, and they don't contribute to the intellectual community, in fact they weaken it. We seem to have the belief now, as a society, that everyone should go to college. Simply *going* is not going to get you much. Some of these people could spend their time more profitably, to themselves and others, elsewhere.


10/21 - Admire your own virtues. It is sometimes the only true recognition you will receive.
........................................................................................................... - Laughing Wolf


10/20 - See if you can get through one day without ever volunteering a comment. Listen to others, respond to them, but initiate no conversation, and say nothing about your own feelings, thoughts, experiences, unless asked (and if asked, keep it brief and tailored to exactly what the person asked you). It is a good bet no one will notice that you're doing anything differently, *no matter how much you normally talk to them*, as long as you react naturally otherwise. If they do ask you anything, it is likely to be perfunctory or necessary-information-related.

While you are not worrying about having anything to say yourself, you will have an opportunity to listen to others more deeply. You will also have an opportunity to observe how little most people listen. And if you come across someone who actually does listen to those around her, you need to hang on to your association with that person, because they are precious, and rare.

Some people I know maintain that "if a person wants me to know, they'll tell me," or that they "don't want to pry," therefore they won't ask questions. I don't see this view at all. What I see is a bunch of very self-involved people who are baldly uninterested in anyone but themselves, yet have found a way to rationalize and excuse it.

But I could be wrong :)


10/19 - I've noticed that when a tune pops into my head seemingly out of nowhere, often the lyrics have something to do with my situation or activities at the time. But for the last few minutes, I have had "Havah Nagilah" running through my head. I have not heard this song in ages. It has no special personal meaning for me. I don't even know what the words mean, let alone what they might relate to. I can't imagine what my psyche is trying to tell me by commenting in Hebrew...


10/18 - I am seriously considering marketing a line of t-shirts, baseball caps, keychains, coffee mugs, etc. that read "I'm [a diehard feminist/a commie/gay/dating someone of a different race/dating someone way older/younger than me]. LIVE WITH IT or get out of my life."

I am so tired of having the same exact conversation over and over again, and I'm sure other people are, too.


10/17 - I haven't had a boyfriend since April. In fact, I haven't been on a real date since April, except for a brief and ill-advised reunion with my ex in August or September. What am I doing with my Saturday nights these days? Well, this one I spent attending a US Airforce band concert with a neighbor in his late 70's whose wife wasn't feeling well enough to go. Then I came home, watched Saturday Night Live, pigged out on potato chips and a kit-kat bar, and went online to work on my homepage and start learning how to program forms.

Let's compare this to the year I went out with my last boyfriend. A typical Saturday night then would have consisted of going out to dinner and hearing him complain about my not eating meat, maybe going out to a stupid action movie that I finally would have settled for since he didn't like anything I wanted to see, short, crappy sex, which I was expected to praise as good sex, perhaps giving him a backrub which he would promise to return but never would, watching Saturday Night Live while he snoozed, and then lying in bed trying to fall asleep way before my body wants to because I knew he would wake up early and be horny and unable to leave me in peace.

I think I like being a loser better.


10/16 - I just noticed the other day when I was doing laundry that the spout of the detergent bottle (it was Fab but since then I have checked and others do this too) was designed specifically so that the last bit of liquid won't come out. Check out your detergent bottle the next time you do laundry and you'll probably see what I mean. That was a specific decision by someone – they knew exactly what they were doing, and they calculated that if they designed it this way, they could cheat their customers and thereby get them to buy a new bottle of detergent sooner, rather than getting that one last load out of it. I wonder how advertising execs rationalize that this is ok to do. I'm fairly sure that they don't admit to themselves exactly what they've done, that they've made this very conscious decision about cheating people. This observation relates to yesterday's thought too: would the detergent company exec who decided to do this feel ok about doing this to his mother? friend? son or daughter? Or would that make him realize that it was wrong? It's easier for him to do this to "customers," people who he can view as less human and real than his family and friends.

To me, what other people see as "small" evils like this are just as important as any other, because they spotlight a particularly unattractive aspect of human nature. That aspect is the same whether it is expressed as cheating a customer of a few cents' worth of detergent, or of saving a few dollars by giving substandard medical care which leads to someone's death (something most people would see as a "bigger" evil).

To be fair, I think the way our modern industrial, global-economy world is set up encourages people like the advertising execs to behave in manipulative and dishonest and callous ways. In small communities where everyone knows each other, it's less likely to happen. I would like to think that's because people realize each others' humanity more readily, but maybe it's also because it's more likely that whatever you do, someone will notice and tell others.


10/15 - My parents' house has a pond in the backyard stocked with goldfish. My mom dotes on these fish, tending them twice a day and even talking to them. I took a look at the back of the fish food she feeds them once and was amused to read that the main ingredient was goldfish meal :)

What is the difference between the doted-on goldfish in my mom's pond and their unfortunate relatives who end up being fed to them? Luck, basically. And why does my mom care for one set set of goldfish, and use the other as food? Are her goldfish more worthy? People also have pets they cherish as much as family members, without seemingly ever making the connection that the meat on their plate could have become a cherished pet under different circumstances. It's some strange aspect of human nature, that we see beings we happen to have become acquainted with as more fully alive than others whose acquaintance we haven't met.

Just like the fish in the can of fish food exist to my mom not as fish but as nutrition, people are able to do horrible things to other people because they are sufficiently distanced to able to regard one another as objects rather than beings.



September 1998 thoughts

August 1998 thoughts

July 1998 thoughts


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