Aahhh! It's the sappy relationship page!

Attention all girls and queers! You can forget about looking for the best man on earth, because I'm keeping him!

Aren't we the cutest couple you've ever seen?

This page is dedicated to how I met my man-thing and our subsequent, uh, torrid love affair.

You've been warned.

Some words about my Hoare:

Graydon is very clever, witty, and almost as intelligent as I am (we can overlook the fact that he scored one higher than me on the intelligence test we took).
He is cute. Very cute. My mom said he is very handsome. He is also Exactly the right size for me (same proportions and 6" taller, difficult to find for a 5'10" girl).
Graydon likes to shave his head and has very smooth skin. Since he tends to curl up in a fetal position in the mornings, he looks like a gigantic baby.
He, like me, is vegetarian (has been for 10 years now).
He is earning a reputation in a highly overvalued industry, working for a cause he believes in.
Did I mention he's the cutest boy I know?
He likes math and so deserves my admiration.
He is smart enough to worship me like a good supplicant.
He's a full nine months younger than me (I know, I'm a cradle robber).
He is not crazy. This is very important.

How we met:

Graydon and his long-time friend and roommate, Danny, were coming to visit their friend Patrick, who was a don in my residence building. It was a Saturday evening in January, and I had just learned how to make a Martini. My room is right next to the entrance, and the security is somewhat stodgy, so I let them in.
Since I was decked out in my evening attire (which I tend to don when the mood strikes), I agreed to let them in only if I could escort them arm-in-arm up the three flights of stairs to Patrick's room. They complied most readily (wouldn't you do the same if a goregous drunken woman requested it of you?)
Patrick wasn't home, so I asked Graydon for a piggy-back ride, which he gave without hesitation (I might add that I am 5'10" and weigh a dense 180 lbs). I sent him off with my website address, and he sent me a letter that same night. I didn't get to sing karaoke that night.

What followed was a month-long email conversation, of which you may view selected parts. The best part was that I couldn't even tell if he was romantically interested in me or not. I assumed that since he was something of a raver, ecstacy had killed his sex drive and he wasn't interested in that kind of stuff.
We had a party for the college formal, to which he wasn't going, but I invited him anyway (btw, that's not my phone number). He arrived somewhat early and was treated to the sight of me dressing up a some type of mad battle fairy with a saran wrap bikini. At one point I made what I considered an obviously flirtatious gesture: he was sitting on my bed, and I leaned over him to get something. He moved out of the way (really, he has all the flirting skills of an emasculated sloth), so I concluded that he was just interested in me as a friend.
This was the second time I saw him in person, and again, I was drunk (actually rare for me). As I later confirmed, he was beginning to suspect that I was a lush.

Then there was the infamous invitation for a game of scrabble, where we talked about things like not getting a driver's licence for fear of seeing pedestrians as moving targets. I thought he was swell (though I wasn't looking for a relationship), and he remembered that I wore orange lipstick. There was no scrabble game until later that week, though. I won. This game of scrabble marked our

First Date:

Though I didn't know it (am I naive to think that boys and girls can go out for purely social ends?). My roommate teased me as I was getting ready to go out, "You're trying to look all sexy for Graydon!", which I denied. I glue jewels to my skin and wear slinky black dresses whenever I feel like it. The night ended with hot chocolate, an aborted attempt at a hug, and a final real one.

Parting:

He left for Montreal the following day to meet a new Berlin coder. He did send me some virtual crack for Valentine's day, though (how romantic). This is what I sent him. I felt the strangest thing while he was gone for those four days. I missed him. Suspecting that I might like to pursue something more with this cute boy, I consulted with my trusted friend Jacob, who recommended that I give it an attempt despite a recent allergy to committed relationships. I thank him for his wise advice to this day. I can't write about what happened once he got back, this is a family site.

Reasons Why I'm Going to Marry Graydon:

Did I mention he's really cute?
I look forward to having 7' tall monster goats.
Both he and his mom like the idea of a white sequined wedding gown.
He wants to buy an abandoned factory building with me and turn it into a playhouse. This will probably include crawl tunnels and multi-storey waterslides.
He is a Buddhist, and not crazy.
He smells good, even when he stinks.
His family is not crazy either.
He's the only boy who's even made me experience Heideggerian Angst (pronounced "ankhst")
Cute
He's so cute when he tries to talk about chemistry.
The biggest fights we have are about my leanings towards social Darwinism and whether or not we persist in any form after death.
He adores me, and it is mutual.

This is what he says about me.

Litterbox ho!

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