Why Pudweiper is Evil

Pudweiper will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will taint all your other beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

Pudweiper will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus performers. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter that she is dead, such is the power of Pudweiper, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It will move your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

Pudweiper will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.

Pudweiper will cause your cakes to fall and your blood pressure to rise. It will increase the ability of your radio to pick up reactionary talk stations at the expense of others. It prevents scurvy, but it gives you mega garlic breath as it does so, which makes the net results negative. It cheats at Scrabble.

It can forge your signature. It plays the bagpipes in your basement. It shaves over your bathroom sink and then leaves the hair to clog your drain. It does bad celebrity impersonations in front of your friends.

And worst of all, it REALLY tastes bad...