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More Good Clean Fun
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THE AOL Car
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair. 14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo. 16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye.
For your own sake, please:
A husband and wife are in bed and the passion is really heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband asks, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. As she emerges from the fitting room wearing the third outfit, he tells his wife, "we'll take all three of them."
He then leads her to the shoe department, telling her to get matching shoes for each outfit. From there, he goes to the jewelry department, where he picks out a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is SO excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care.
While in the jewelry department, she asks him for a tennis bracelet. The husband says, "You don't even play tennis, but okay, if you like it, then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says. "No-no-no. Honey, we're not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife's face goes blank.
"No Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Thanks Redkitten!
Love: When you take a bubble bath together. Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together. Marriage: When you give the kids a bath.
Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two. Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?" Marriage: 4 Happy Meals . . . to go.
Love: Giving your love some candy. Lust: Thinking you are the candy. Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet.
Love: A night out at the Symphony. Lust: A night out at the Ramada Inn. Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice.
Love: Aroma -- French perfume. Lust: Aroma -- Brut aftershave. Marriage: Aroma -- "The baby needs changing."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold. Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm!" Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket.
Love: Talking and cuddling. Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep. Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands.
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" chat-room. Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" chat-room. Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" chat-room.
Love: Long drives through the countryside. Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout. Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back-seat.
Love: Sex every night. Lust: Sex 5 times a night. Marriage: Sex ???
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions..... and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes".
Asked how she used it, she said "to assist in sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed.
He said "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse." "Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes", she replied, "We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me ABOUT SEX... "How do you think you got here?"
My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... You are going to get it when we get home.
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
(My mother told me...One day you'll have kids TWICE as bad as you I had twins...)
Submitted by Gregory Osborn
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde "stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny. Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny ?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle 4 times."
In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern ... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
What's on your mind?
1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
6. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
7. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Click here For the answers!
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He then filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "What joo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean,
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side,
He will be a wonderful father
And husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too,
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name,
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way...
Forget this stupid poem,
The perfect man is gay.
Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Pete himself. The gates close and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says to Forest, "We have certainly heard a great deal about you. The place is filling up fast and you must complete an entrance examination prior to admittance to Heaven." "The tests are fairly short, but you must pass." "Sure is good to be here, I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope it ain't hard; life was a big enough test as it was." Saint Peter goes on, "The test I have for you is only three questions. First, what days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, what is God's first name?" Forest ponders the questions. "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "Now the second one is harder", says Forrest. "But I thunk and thunk about it and I guess the only answer can be twelve." "Twelve"? "how in Heaven's name can you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" "Shucks," there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second.... "Hold it," interrupts, St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this and I guess I'll have to give you credit for that one too." "What's Gods first name?" St. Peter asked? "EVERYBODY probably knows that one...... It's Howard." "Howard? asks St. Peter, "What makes you think God's first name is Howard? "The prayer, it's in the prayer" responds Forrest. "Which prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?" "The Lord's Prayer," says Forest.... "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde
Another from Red Kitten
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her,love her,stroke her,tease her,comfort her,protect her,hug her,hold her,spend money on her,wine & dine her,buy things for her,listen to her,care for her,stand by her, support her,go to the ends of the earth for her...
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked. With beer.