Temptress' Funnie Pages - Even More Good Clean Fun

Even More Good Clean Fun

So you thing you're smart, huh?
Click Here And Find Out

The Evolution Of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name

-1st baby: You pour over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth

-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries

-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier

-1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
-2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
-3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering

-1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
-2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
-3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities

-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know." The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company."

How to keep an idiot busy

SISTERS
Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.
SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And what else?
SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
Oh, and you thought it was dirty...

Thanks Mom

There was this cop that decided to wait outside of a local bar one night because there were a lot of drunk guys who would be coming out to drive home.
Well it was closing time and the cop noticed this one guy who came stumbling out and almost fell on the curb. The drunk tried to unlock five cars before he finally found his. The cop thought he would have one here and by this time everyone in the bar has left.
When the drunk pulled out the cop pulled him over and said "sir, get out of the car cause ur under arrest for DUI" the cop made the drunk blow a breathalizer test and the results were 0.0. The cop said how can this be and the drunk guy said "Because I'm the desginated decoy!!"

Thanks Mom

Miss Bee was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all in the RV park where she had settled down enjoying her retirement.
A local pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian decorated park model. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped .... or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bee," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." (pointing to the bowl)
"Oh yes," she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it's working! I haven't had a cold all winter."

Thanks John (From Work)

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. Very proud she came home and put it on. She then showed her mother how she looked in it.
"What do you think mom?" she asked.
Her mother replied, "If I wore that when I was your age, you would now be 5 years older."

Thanks Crazy Pickle

Drinking Rednecks

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

Thanks Mom

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differs, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..."Mr. President."

Thanks Mom

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Ointment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself. BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident." I laughed out loud.
"Case Dismissed" said the Judge.

Thanks John (From Work)

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.
The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared intensely at him for several minutes.
The boy, becoming aggitated with the old man's gaze, said, "What's the matter old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old mand answered, "Well yes, actually I have. Once I got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

Certain Animations provided by:

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page