 |  |
|
Even More Risque Humor
At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.
As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.
Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go in and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.
After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
When she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon."
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I'll bet your an anesthesiologist."
Male Doctor, "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female Doctor, "I didn't feel a thing."
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says..... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle....it makes your nose look too short!"
Wedding Surprise
A Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. The man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceed to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat Me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
This is from Midnite Angel
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says,"The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the first nun says, "I`ve never come this way before!" and the second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone!"
A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked the eldest what kind of man she would like to marry.
She replied, "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest."
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
She replied,"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest."
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry, and she replied,
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground."
Thanks John (from work)
So this couple had been married for about five years, and one fine summer day as they're out working in the yard.
The man tells his wife, "Man, you're butt is getting fat."
She gets ticked off and moves to another part of the yard.
The guy follows her and says, "You know that big gas grill over there. I'll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It's huge!"
The wife gets really mad, tells him HE can finish the yard HIMSELF and she goes inside.
Then the husband finds a yardstick, measures the grill, goes inside and measures his wife and says, "Yup. They are both the same size."
The wife is livid. She doesn't speak to him the rest of the day.
When the man comes to bed that night, he tries to cuddle up next to his wife and says, "Hey, honey, how 'bout it?"
She thinks for a moment and pulls away. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"You're crazy, if you think I'm firing up that big gas grill for one little weenie."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register,the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Another from my mother!!
A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personal Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her.
The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personal Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.
The woman happily excepts.
He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personal Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired.
After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal Manager suggested he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come.
Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs.
The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.
What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
Thanks Midnite Angel
A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a genie bottle. He rubs it and out pops two genies. He makes three wishes.
When he gets home he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he sees $20 million dollars. Wow, my first two wishes have come true!
He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door.
When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys. First they beat the shit out of him, then they tar and feather him. They take him out back and lynch him.
When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off. It turns out they are the genies. The first genie turns to the second and says, You know, I can understand his first two wishes, but why would he want to be hung like a black man?
Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go the bathroom.
So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said, "That was fast. Well I need to take a shit but, I've got nothing to wipe my ass with."
The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar and wipe your ass with it."
Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says, "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 4 quarters stuck up my ass."
A lady who won the lottery was asked by a reporter what one thing she had always wanted to do, but hadn't. She replied, "Well, I know it's not very expensive--- you know, now that I have all this money---but I've always wanted to have a milk bath, but it would just be so much trouble to buy twenty gallons at the supermarket, and that's about what it would take."
So the reporter suggested she go to a dairy farm and see what better arrangement could be made. She did so and talked with the farmer and explained her desire. He suggested that she get the twenty gallons in milk cans. She admitted that sounded like a better idea than all those gallon jugs. Then the farmer asked," Do you want it pasteurized?"
"No," she replied, "Just up to my tits will do!"
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.
The son asked his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack?
That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.
The son then asked his father, well what's the 6 pack for?
The father replied, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.
Then the son asked his father what the 12 pack is for.
The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March...
And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created man.
Thanks Red Kitten
Sam and Bessie are in their 80's and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes.
Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"
Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes.
Again, "So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down?
'Cause it's looking at my new shoes!!!!!"
Bessie replies, " You should have bought a hat."
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up.
She opened it, looked in the mirror and said,
"Hmmm, this person looks familiar."
Patty said, "Let me look!"
So Carol handed her the compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dumbshit, it's me!"
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and they pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again for no reason."
The blonde looks at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure...but I just don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one into 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman replied,"That's all right, I don't need them for sex anymore, I'm over 80 years old, I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.
An old man, Mr. Laidlaw, resided in a nursing home.
One day he walked into the nurse's office and informed Nurse Mary that his penis died.
Nurse Mary, realizing that Mr. Laidlaw was old and forgetful decided to play along with him.
"It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.
Two days later, Mr. Laidlaw was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants.
Nurse Mary saw him and said, "Mr. Laidlaw, I thought you told me your penis died?"
"It did" he replied. "Today is the viewing."
After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."
He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.
So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
He turns to reach for her and his wife turns over and says,
"What did you say '123' for?"
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"