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More Risque Humor
A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.
The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one.
After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.
Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."
"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
"You know that fur coat you promised me Irving? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me
Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said,
"Irving remember that blow job I promised you?
Here it comes..."
Grillo goes into a whorehouse to get a blowjob.
After he cums, the whore spits it into a big pickle jar.
Grillo says, "Don't you usually swallow it?"
She says, "Yeah. But me and the girl two doors down are having a contest to see who can fill up their jar first."
Grillo says, "What does the winner get?"
She says, "Both jars."
A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a new procedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis.
The man goes for it and has a humongous penis.
One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.
The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible",
she says, "Can you do it again?"
The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now".
A kid says, "Pop, what's a vagina look like?"
His father says, "Son, before sex, a vagina is like a rose,
with pink, velvety petals, and the aroma of perfume."
The kid says, "What about after sex?"
His father says, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Norris walks into a doctor's office and says,
"Doc, you gotta help me. I've got a constant erection.
At first it was fun, but then it became painful and embarrassing."
He takes down his pants, and his hardon is sticking straight out.
The doctor whacks! it with two fingers,
a little bug jumps off, and it goes right down.
Norris says, "Gee, Doc, that's great. How much do I owe you?"
The doctor says, "If you help me find that bug,
you don't owe me anything."
A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship,
so he goes to a Pet Store.
The salesman says, "I have a great pet for you.
A toothless hamster."
The guy says, "Nah."
The salesman says, "But it gives great head."
The guy takes it home.
His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?"
He says, "Never mind what it is.
Teach it to cook and then get out."
A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says,
"What would you like for Christmas?"
The kid says, "A fucking swingset."
Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents.
Let's try again. What else would you like?"
The kid says, "A fucking sandbox for the side yard."
Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa.
One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"
The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says,
"I want a fucking trampoline in the front yard."
Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents.
He tells them what the kid said, and then says,
"I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo.
Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset,
put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox,
and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline.
That should make him change his tune."
Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any.
He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in.
He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in.
He runs out the front door, looks around,
and comes back in, shaking his head.
His father says, "What's wrong, son?"
The kid says, "Santa brought me a fucking dog,
but I can't find him."
A couple's in a car accident, and the wife gets hurt really bad.
For ten years she's in a coma, never speaks or moves.
Then one day a nurse is giving her a sponge bath,
and as the sponge rubs across the wife's twat, she moans.
The nurse gets the doctor, the doctor tries it,
and she moans again, so the doctor calls the husband to the hospital.
The doctor says, "We have a breakthrough. I think a little oral sex might snap her out of it.
You go into her room, and we'll monitor her from out here in the hall."
The husband goes into his wife's room,
and the doctor and the nurse watch her heart monitor go "bleep...bleep..."...and then flatline.
They run into the room as the husband is pulling up his pants.
The doctor says, "What the hell happened?"
The husband says, "I guess she choked on the thing."
Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.
She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A handjob."
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a huge cock.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says,
"Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group.
The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line.
Along comes the grandma and sees her grandaughter.
Grandma asks grand daughter, "What are you lining up for."
Grandaughter, not willing to let grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes.
When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked,
"You are so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies,
"Oh, it's easy, i just take off my dentures and suck them dry.
Harry goes into a bar and says to his friend, "How's your wife?"
His friend says, "Fuck her. I threw her out of the house three weeks ago after I came home from work early one day and found her on the living room floor giving my best friend a blow job."
Harry says, "Jesus Christ...what did you do to your best friend?"
His friend says, "I locked him in his kennel for a week with no food."
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road.
They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering...it must be cold.
What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
She says, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
A guy's fingering his girlfriend.
She says, "Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me."
He says, "That's not my ring. It's my wristwatch."
A mortician is laying out the body of a man with a huge penis,
and he calls in his receptionist to show her.
She says, "That looks just like my Harry's."
He says, "That big?"
She says, "No. That dead."
Gomer lives on a farm, and he knows nothing about women or sex,
so for his 21st birthday, his paw gives him fifty bucks and tells him to go to town and buy himself a hooker.
Gomer goes to town, meets a hooker in front of a bar, offers her the fifty, and they go back to her place.
But when they get there, she tells him he'll have to settle for a blow job because she's having her period.
He says, "What's a period?"
She says, "I'll show you."
She lifts up her dress, and pulls our her tampon.
She says, "See? I'm bleeding."
He says, "Well, no wonder yer bleedin'.
Somebody done cut your pecker off."
A couple is driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over.
The cop walks up and says, "You were doing eighty-five in a fifty-five."
The guy says, "You know, officer, I was doing sixty the whole time, and then the last few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with traffic and I wasn't watching..."
His wife says, "That's not true. You were doing eighty-five or ninety the whole time."
He turns to her and says, "Shut the fuck up."
The cop says, "And I notice you haven't got your seat belt buckled."
He says, "Well, officer, I knew I had to show you my license,
so I unbuckled my seat belt so I could get out my wallet."
His wife says, "That's not true. You haven't had it on the whole time."
He turns to her and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Shut up."
The cop walks around to the wife's side and motions for her to roll down the window.
He says, "Does he always talk to you like that?"
She says, "Only when he's drunk."
Three missionaries get caught by cannibals, and the cannibals throw them in a bamboo jail.
The chief pulls one of them out of the bamboo jail and says,
"You have two choice...death or bunga bunga."
The missionary thinks to himself, "I don't want to die...",
so he says, "I'll take bunga bunga."
The chief says, "Ugh. Bunga bunga."
The cannibals all start jumping up and down, grunting, "Bunga bunga! Bunga bunga!"
Then they pull down his pants, bend him over a log,
and they all fuck him in the ass.
They thow him back in the bamboo jail, and he's bleeding, and moaning...
I mean, he's got a few phone numbers...but for the most part, he's a hurtin' gherkin.
They drag out the next missionary, and the chief says,
"You have two choice...death or bunga bunga."
The missionary looks back at the first guy, who's in really bad shape, but he doesn't want to die,
so he says, "I'll take Bunga bunga."
The chief says, "Ugh. Bunga bunga."
The cannibals all start jumping up and down, grunting, "Bunga bunga! Bunga bunga!"
Then they pull down his pants, bend him over a log,
and they all fuck him in the ass.
And it's a lot worse for him, because of course it takes the cannibals alot longer the second time.
They throw him back in the bamboo jail, whelping like a dog that's been hit by a truck,
and pull out the third missionary.
The chief says, "You have two choice...death or Bunga bunga."
The third missionary sees the other two guys in total agony,
and says, "I couldn't handle that. I'll take death."
The chief says, "Ugh. Death. But first, Bunga bunga."
A black guy, a Jewish guy, and a redneck are working construction, digging a ditch.
The black guy's shovel hits something, he picks it up, and it's a lamp.
He starts to rub the dirt off and a genie comes out.
The genie goes, "Arggh! I will give you each one wish."
The black guy says, "I want my own country, where the brothers and sisters can live in peace and harmony in freedom forever."
The genie says, "Done."
He says to the Jew, "What about you?"
The Jew says, "I want my own country, so the Jews can live in peace and harmony with no persecution forever and ever."
The genie says, "Done."
He says to the redneck, "What about you?"
The redneck says, "Now let me get this straight. The blacks are all gonna live in their own country, and the Jews are all gonna live in their own country?"
The genie says, "That's right."
The redneck says, "I'll take a Coca Cola."
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says,
"You ain't from around here... Where you from, boy?".
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... What the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,
"It's OK boys, he's one of us!
Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"I think my penis is too small." He says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
"Well, Lager" He replies quite bemused.
"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow".
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"Yes, I do", replies the man "and I've got the wife on Lager!"
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.
The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way is it headed?"
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to love him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection,
and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't stand:
The sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"
These are complements of REDKITTEN. Thanks.
THE GIFT
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday. They had not been dating very long. After careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note.... romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. Meanwhile, the sister purchased a new pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed the items up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note: