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Background:
People who work in the fields of science and technology are
not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-mechnical people who
have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology oriented people is to understand their motivations. This page will teach you everything you need to know about "Engineers". Having a background in Anthropology and Engineering, I learned their strange customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming and cleaning cages. Engineering
is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is a tad overused. If there is someone in your life who is venturing into engineer, give him this test.
Screening Question:
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it
B. Ignore it
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered,
self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail did not have pictures in mined.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who has trouble spelling.
Social Skills:
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to
social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: stimulating and thought-provoking conversation, important social contacts, and a feeling of being connected with other humans. In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
social interactions: get it over with as soon as possible, avoid getting invited to something unpleasant, and demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
Fascination with Gadgets:
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed,
and (2) things that will need to be fixed, after the engineer plays with them a few minutes. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it's not broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it's not broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering
what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and poorly designed
toys.
Fashion and Appearance:
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been
satisfied, if no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if there is place for his pocket protector, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
Love of Science Fiction:
Engineers love all of the Science Fiction television
shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the screen are portrayed as heroes, occasionally have sex with robots and aliens. This is much glamorous then the real life of an engineer, which consists of working things out using the tools of engineering.
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create
a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and most imprortant, handy around the house.
While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like ofspring who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later then normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid
thirties to late sixties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: Bill Gates and MacGyver for example. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
Honesty:
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The list of engineer lies would include the following.
"I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." and "I'm not jealous of your new computer, my slide rule requires no batteries".
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of
cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization,.. that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest
amount of cash?"
If there is one trait that best defines an
engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the completely exclude everyone else in the environment.This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have stated checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody in electrical
engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
Bad Press:
Engineers hate risk They try to eliminate it whenever they
can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. Examples of bad press include the Hindenberg, Space Shuttle Challenger, Hubbell space telescope, Apollo 13, Titanic, Ford Pinto, and Corvair. The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation
and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic flame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain
If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
Ego:
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: how smart they are and how many cool devices they own or create. The fastest way to get an engineer
to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal--a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days
to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better then sex -- and this includes the kind of sex with robots, alians and other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer then the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an
engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it Out He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon
the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
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