Last Sunday at Soccer City was an episode straight out of the annals of television history. FBSFC paid homage to the 1980’s seminal ode to 10 gallon hats, Dallas. Yes siree, all the old familiar faces were there. Sue Ellen, Jock, JR and most importantly Bobby Ewing. For it seems that FBSFC also did their best impression of Bobby when they woke up from a dream, wiped out any memories of the past season and went back to what they’re known best for - losing!

While no one was shot, a few players carried themselves like horses with broken legs, and should have been laid out in greener pastures (perhaps the wide open space of Southfork?) as FBSFC lost in the Division finals to a far superior, however not as interesting, club the "BATS".

Apparently the shock of actually making it to the finals, coupled with the sheer horror of possible promotion was too much for the lads to overcome as they were thoroughly out played for the better part of 39 minutes. Holding the BATS to a one – nil advantage as the half approached, the players with the beer keg on their chests collapsed in the second half as the BATS poured in three more goals to take the Division crown as the team that "almost lost to those fat useless bastards".

While not recording any goals for the first time this season, and thus having no scoring highlights to report, the players did little to provide any defense either as most of the FBSFC forwards were too busy signing autographs for the hoard’s of small children clamoring to catch a glimpse of the squad that toppled the first place team the previous week. Speaking on behalf for his line mates, the man that most resembled Sasquatch in high school, John Desantis made a brief statement regarding his game play. "My only wish was that we had a few more preppy guys and prefects on this squad, cuz man they sure know how to play a good game!". This reporter personally believes this comment was thrown out towards Steve "I have a new mobile phone and it’s not crap" Sexton, as Magic Schteeevie was know to "score" quite a bit while in high school.

The club plagued by injuries continued it’s woes, as keeper Ron "I stopped a shot in warm up", and Chairman Sean "I love my baby back, baby back, ribs" Rice were once again victims of their over blown assumption that they’re fit and twenty years old again. Ron Nolet, after numerous attempts at self injury as he recklessly threw his body at the turf, injured his knee while attempting a full cartwheel to stop a shot. Unfortunately Ron had to leave the game and was immediately attended to by club physician Dr Hal Huff and his staff. As Ron walked off the pitch it was readily apparent to the medical staff that his face was a grotesque shade of aubergine. It was quickly determined that Ron had been holding his breath after he tossed his shirt at back up keeper John Desantis and walked to the bench topless (apparently this was a gimmick to appear brawny). In an apparent bid to attract a few females to the game, Ron remained shirtless even while he sipped a glass of water almost an hour after the match.

However the most disappointing injury of the season, yet again, went to club Chairman Sean Rice. After taking a needless penalty for playing the school yard game "I know you are but what am I?" with an opposing player Sean was assessed a two minute minor. As his penalty expired and a return to the bench was imminent, Sean caught his hand in the Guest gate, and nearly tore his finger off, thus bringing another season to a close for FBSFC…

Suburban Chaos and   "Mustang Sally", their shaky goaltender, defeated FBSFC 4-2 to end the regular season on a sour note for the club. Some would blame it on the unlimited supply of Timbits supplied by goal scorer Jimmy "Double Double" McKnight or the fact that the Chairman was not hung over, or that Brian started drinking at ten a.m. - but they would be wrong...... We lost because we don't have the skills or fitness to play this game very well.

A lowlight of the game was Kevin Bracken trying to beat up a twelve year old and ending up in the penalty box - he was later forced to apologize to the child and explain that sometimes Daddies can be violent when drinking alcohol and that he never meant to hurt him or Mommy.

One of the highlights was an incredible (and insane) run by Barney Hill that ended up with a shot off the inside of the post - Barney claimed the prestigious assignment of Playoff Captain after the inspiring burst. Almost as inspiring was seeing John DeSantis jump over the boards and into the fray while still chewing on a timbit - he still had some white powder around his mouth at shift end - he may deny it but I think the timbits caused the mild stroke he had near the end of the game (he did manage another cheap goal).

Hal had another wonderful game as our sweeper at the back (he was the only player not to leave our own eighteen yard box) and Mike enjoyed another flawless game moving laterally along the centre line .   Sean Rice played one of his "quiet" games - no mistakes but no results - he ended the game with a plus/minus of 0. Don Clendenning again "silenced" the crowd with another flip at midfield ---- as Don hit the ground the crowd held it's collective breath until Don's heart started pumping his thin blood through his old hardened arteries. Don survived but did feel a little twinge with his plastic hip after the game.

Ron Nolet played another strong game but again failed to score when we needed it the most. Although he made no glaring errors, Mark Rattray didn't have his "A" game but promised to bring it for the playoffs  . Ian didn't score on his own net - so he was the games second star.

Sexton was crap.

 As most of the wives, girlfriends and "sleeping buddies" of Steve Sexton can attest to, the players of FBSFC are most definitely "morning men". Soccer City’s favourite club was handed a loss on a very late Sunday evening, as an ugly Monday morning dawned seeing the Club lose 7-1 to the high flying BATS.

FBSFC refused comment on the issue, stating all players have the right to a full and fruitful life according to the Charter of Canadian Rights and Freedom, and Mr. McCarthy is innocent until proven guilty. The family of Justin McCarthy has hired infamous OJ Simpson trial lawyer Johnnie Cochrane as he attempts to clear his name before Santa Claus comes.

FBSFC Chairman Sean Rice will be handed a pre Christmas present this week – as the executives at Soccer City present him with a bill for his club’s part in dismantling the existing score clock at the facility.

The lads of FBSFC, doing their best imitation of Michael Jackson by smashing all existing records for absurdity, managed to pump 15 goals past 2 hapless Globale One keepers in their most lopsided victory in club history by winning 15-4 as the club heads into the Christmas break.

Asked what he wants for Christmas, Jimmy the new guy responded "customers that know the difference between a large and a Jumbo cup of coffee without me having to hold the cups side by side, and 7 goals at our next match". Santa works in mysterious ways as he was able to grant the polyester wearing goal whore the latter request, as Jimmy managed to break the existing club record for most goals in a match, even managing to score a hat trick on one shift.

Former golden boy John Desantis remarked that Jimmy had the stamina of a porn star, and the grace of flock of geese being terrorized by small children at Centre Island.

"I was in the right place at the right time" Jimmy remarked as he gleefully slipped the captains armband onto his bicep for the next match. "If this doesn’t make me employee of the month than nothing will" as he led the players to an "All you can eat Timbit" treat at the local Tim Hortons. Jubilant cheers of "Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy" were heard reverberating throughout the Soccer City parking lot, as Jimmy was carried out on the shoulders of his teammates muttering "God bless everyone".

Adding to the goal tally for the evening was Mike K. with 2 goals, Jez "back from the dead" Fletcher with a couple, and John Desantis, Sean Nejat, Don "my finger is bent" Clenedenning, and Steve "Magic Schteeevie" Sexton each with one goal.

Conspicuous by his absence was the Chairman himself as rumors swirled that the Rice’s were hanging out at Shoppers World getting Maggie’s picture taken with some clown in a red suit. Word has it that they continue to wait in line as this report goes to press.

The one blemish to the evening was Brian Warren’s penalty for impersonating a rambunctious hockey player as he leveled one unfortunate player into the turf. "We play in a hockey arena – that’s all the motivation I need" replied Brian after a heavy dose of questioning from the ref. "Actually, I couldn’t slow down and I needed a drink of water – my bottle had ice in it for that really refreshing cooling off effect after a tough shift". Brian also had to be coaxed out of the sin bin after his penalty was over commenting that "this seat gives the best view of the pitch. I think I’d like to stay here for a while"

Playing a solid game without contributing any goals (for or against their own side) were Andrew "the bull" Corrie, Barney "I’m not Benny" Hill, Justin "Keepin’ it real" McCarthy, Mark "The General" Rattray, and Ian "Sean isn’t here, I’m running the club" Richardson. Of special note, nothing went off Ian’s anatomy past keeper Ron Nolet this week and Ian even managed a shot in the "general" direction of the opposing net.

On a final note John Desantis and Jimmy are now tied for the scoring lead with 10 apiece with 2 games remaining. No one is quite sure who the "Domi" is and who the "Sundin" is..

 It appears ET has finally found a home. Unfortunately it appeared to be in FBSFC’s backyard, as the Stingers handed the club their second consecutive loss to the Division leaders. Not having to travel 2 million miles, the Stingers continued their dominance of Division 7, while the Fat Boys continue to struggle to find their early season form as they march towards the playoffs.

On a night that saw history repeat itself from a scant few weeks ago, FBSFC triumphantly jumped back onto the winning/undefeated bandwagon, beating SC United handily 5-2.

The night was capped by FBSFC scoring ace John Desantis, as he proved Italians know more than just wine and pasta, they also know good math. Desantis solidified his scoring lead over the pack by adding a hat trick to his season goal tally of 5, to takeover the current lead as "goal whore" of FBSFC. John appeared to be slightly distraught after the game when it was determined that no Soccer City chicken wing coupons were to be included with his award. A consolation prize of next weeks captaincy did little to persuade John to have a celebratory beer, as he commented "no amount of goals would make me swill beer, but I would like a refreshing iced tea if its available".

The night also saw another FBSFC first as two penalty kicks were awarded to the club after some mischievous SC United players decided that volleyball was the game of the day after handing the ball inside their own goal area. Kevin Bracken doubled his season goal tally by driving the ball into the back of the net, while the aforementioned goal whore John Desantis added the other.

Acting Club Chairman Sir Ian B Richardson commented that "I was just glad I was riding the pine when the penalty kicks were called as I seem to find trouble no matter where I am on the pitch". Ian also took the hooligan of the night award after being penalized for driving a SC United player into the boards after it was alleged that a SC United supporter threw coins at him from the stands. "What upset me the most", said Ian after the game "was that they were only throwing pennies and nickels! I think I at least warrant loonies!" Ian also took home the "Turtle award" of the night for refusing to have his hands come into contact with the ball in a defensive scramble during the second half. Keeper Ron Nolet pounced on the loose ball to retain some dignity for the former captain. "The little guy looked like a turtle on its back with his hands and legs squirming all over the place, but he saved the day again"

On a sour note, Steve Sexton nearly let his team down by showing up for only the second half of the match. It was alleged that Sexton was out late the previous night carousing with some new birds that Steve claimed "know nothing of my past when I was in High School". Steve’s actions are currently before an investigation panel with the club and his future remains uncertain, again. Also adding to the blooper tape was Justin McCarthy’s ass as it added an own goal. When asked to comment, Justin responded with "it’s an open and shut case". A blank stare from several teammates caused Justin to add, "the case is open and shut. Nothing else".

 Like a fine wine and good cheese FBSFC continues to get better with age. On Sunday, in a pre Halloween match, FBSFC "clipped the wings" of BATS by putting a 2 game unbeaten streak together in a hard fought 2-2 draw. FBSFC continued to clear out the "losing cobwebs" of last season, and have once again added to team history by putting "spells" on any team that run up against their lightning fast forwards, and the stone wall that has become their defense.

History is intertwined with many stories of brothers and their acts of heroics and villainy. The Bible had Kane and Abel, the movies had Jake and Elwood of the Blues Brothers, and video games had the talents of two plumber brothers, Luigi and Mario. And now FBSFC has added to that fine list with the Desantis brothers, John and Paul.

John "Anti-gravity" Desantis solidified his scoring lead with FBSFC on Sunday by adding a beautiful header in the second half, off a "Beckham like" free kick by Steve Sexton, while younger brother Paul added some much needed youth and enthusiasm to the FBSFC mid field by terrorizing opponents with his screaming tirades and orange socks.

On brother Paul, John commented that "He’s a little showy for my liking with his pony tail and baggy shorts, but he certainly has the Desantis flair and style of dress". John continued to defy the odds that a man of his girth and fitness could successfully contribute to a club, but in true Desantis style he commented "I’m a Desantis. There’s a little bit of my brother Paul deep down in me. Actually it’s really deep down. I think I could eat his weight in Chicken wings, but he’s still a good kid". Desantis now pulls ahead of Sean Rice for the scoring lead with 7 games to go.

Two newbie’s combined on the first goal - Jimmy "The Newf" slotted in a pass from "pinball" Bernard. Jimmy’s aggressive play combined with Pinball’s skill and enthusiasm are welcome additons to FBSFC. Ron Nolet was at his game saving best as usual, throughout the game.

In a sad note to club history, ex-Sir Ian Richardson, FBSFC’s most winningest player/manager was relieved of his captaincy due to his lengthy absence, and general ineptitude in the defense . The BATS first goal of the game came as a result of a poor back pass that keeper Ron Nolet was unable to handle. Sir Ian commented after the game "The supporters love me, the players love me, and most importantly, I LOVE ME !!" before quickly brushing past autograph seekers and stepping into a waiting limo to be whisked off to a banquet in his honor. Sean Rice, FBSFC Chairman remarked "I love the little guy but he really has no talent what so ever, but let’s face it he puts bums in the seats and the women seem to dig that crazy hair of his".

Ian was also stripped of his management duties as Dave Lowe took the helm for the first time. Dave’s lack of managerial experience was obvious as he has trouble remembering how many players to put on at once and forgetting everyone’s names – he also had trouble opening the gates. However, Dave looked the part as he took his only suit jacket out of cold storage for the occasion – he did get a draw in his debut so he stands undefeated as manager.

The WALL OF SHAME added three new members: Andrew Corrie, Barney Hill and Hal Huff – all three abandoned their teammates and let down the team by not showing up or calling in advance with a valid excuse….SHAME, SHAME!

Julian Murray came back to the fold for this game – playing well (except for one play) and managed to make it into the referee’s book for "slide tackling with intent to maim"

Steve "Collymore" Sexton in a strange twist of fate has been given the responsibility of leading the club in the next game and restoring the Boards faith in his commitment to the team and its future. Sextons future with the Club was in doubt last week after an emergency Board meeting was called to discuss his lack of "magic Stevie play" and poor attitude towards all involved with the team. Steve will slip on the Captains armband for the first time next Saturday, in what should prove to be another pivotal point in FBSFC’s storied history. God help us!

FBSFC’s next game is SATURDAY at 7pm – the team will then head out for a few pints to celebrate (hopefully) a three game unbeaten streak….double fines if you don’t show up!

P.S. just to recap: Ian was stripped of the titles of: captain, manager, and his knighthood last night after a failed back-pass led to disaster….. Ian (commoner) Richardson is now just barely hanging on to his place with FBSFC and has been placed on official probation…stay tuned.