These are some great jokes people have sent me!
Sexual Chemistry
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties:
- Generally round in form.
- Boils at nothing and may freeze any time.
- Melts whenever treated properly.
- Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties:
- Very active.
- Highly unstable.
- Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and
precious stones.
- Violent when left alone.
- Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
- Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage:
- Highly ornamental.
- An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
- Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
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Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties:
- Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily.
- Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
- Difficult to find a pure sample.
- Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as
easily as young samples.
Chemical properties:
- Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
- Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
- Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for
prolonged period of time.
- Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage:
- None known.
- Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce
large quantities on command.
Caution:
In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Actual label instructions on consumer goods
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as
possible:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (...and that would be how?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a "suggestion!")
On a hotel-provided shower cap:
Fits one head. (Really?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure??? Let's try it.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. (Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if
we just kept those 5-year-olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (What's for dinner?!)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts. (...but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (...then have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (Amazing!)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
Click here: The Genetically Modified Hampster Dance
(You might want to turn your volume down)
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