Sitting at my computer while writing these
words, I can testify to the marvelous peace that fills my heart.
While remaining a sinner, I am at peace with God, Sevilla, the
world, and myself, but such was not always the case.
Without going into great details, other
then to say that I was sexually abused by my mother when I was
eight years old, I had reason to be angry, especially at women.
I have often said, in a not altogether joking manner, that I could
have been a serial rapist if I hadn’t been half blind.
On this particular day, I was angry with
our landlady. For some odd reason, during our years of renting,
women, more often them men, have served in this capacity which
afforded many opportunities for resentment.
I can’t remember why I was angry, what
her supposed offense was, but, at that moment, I was angry enough
to kill. Anger often denies its victim the power to reason correctly.
I call the person who yields to anger a victim of self-murder
for the Bible thus describes this emotion.
The Lord has always placed a hedge about
my emotional state, preventing me from exercising the natural
bent of my sinful heart. He often does this for sinful human beings
least they perpetrate crimes or offenses against themselves or
others. His hedge was strong that afternoon.
We were living in a rural home that was
surrounded by woods on all sides. I enjoy walking in the forest,
especially on a cool fall afternoon when the insects are dormant.
Taking my anger for a walk, I headed uphill behind the house to
seek the Lord.
Christ is gracious. He knows all about us
and is not taken by surprise with our anger or sins. Through long
years of training, He demonstrated his love by encouraging me
to confide in him the most secret thoughts of my mind.
As I walked, the anger boiled in my heart
until I was capable of killing our Landlady or of doing other
detestable things should the Lord have removed his restraining
hand, but his restraint was strong and my heart could only rage.
God does not always hold in check the urges
and temptations of the heart. Murders and unspeakable crimes are
perpetrated upon mankind by those who have abandoned or rejected
His grace. Our only safety against the evil that is our heart,
is His grace that is stronger then sin.
The principal purpose for prayer is to change
our heart, not the heart or behavior of others. As I walked and
prayed, the anger drained away as the mists of the morning before
the rising sun, but not without an effort.
The Lord never takes away our choice. I
could have stayed home or remained angry, but I choose to walk
with the Lord through the woods on a fall afternoon.
It took nearly two hours for me to allow
the Lord to soften my heart toward our Landlady, but soften it
He did. If allowed, He will perform great and wonderful miracles
for us. Perhaps the greatest miracle, even greater then walking
on the water, is the transformation of a sinful heart or mind
into a pure heart. While mine isn’t pure, yet, he did spare
me from the crime of murder for which I praise the Lord!