We've
come a long way baby ! ! !
Most people got
married in June because they took their yearly bath in May
and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they
were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of
flowers to hide the b.o.
Baths equalled
a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the
privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons
and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually
lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby
out with the bath water".
Houses had
thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so
all the pets...dogs, cats and other small animals, mice,
rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became
slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off
the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and
dogs."
There was
nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they
found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over
the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big
4 poster beds with canopies. That is where we get the
saying" Good night and don't let the bed bugs
bite."
The floor was
dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence
the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate
floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So
they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when
you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A
piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a
"thresh hold".
They cooked in
the kithen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would
eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get
cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes
the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month.
Hence the rhyme:" peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold,
peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they
could obtain pork and would feel really special when that
happened. When company came over, they would bring out some
bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and
that a man "could really bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with
money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating
tomatoes... for 400 years. Most people didn't have pewter
plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle
scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a
lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy
trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."
Bread was
divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top,
or the "upper crust".
Lead cups were
used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes
knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along
the road would take them for dead and prepare them for
burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple
of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink
and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of
holding a "wake".
England is old
and small, and they started running out of places to bury
people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their
bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these
coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch
marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying
people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on
their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in
the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the
"graveyard shift" they would know that someone was
"saved by the bell" or he was a "dead
ringer".
Techno- Punnies
A woman called
the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech
asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman said "No, my desk is next to the door. But now
that you mention it, the man next to me isn't having any
problems at all, and his desk is right under the
window!"
**************************
Overheard in
the computer store:
Sally: I'd like
a mouse mat, please.
Clerk:
Certainly, miss, we've got a large variety to choose from.
Sally: But are
they compatible with my computer?
****************************
I once received
a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to
the sender when I was finished with it -- because she needed
to keep it!
****************************
Customer: Can
you copy the internet for me on this diskette?
****************************
I work for a
local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start
something like this: Customer: Hi, is this the internet?
****************************
Customer: So
that'll get me connected to the internet, right?
Tech Supp:
Yeah.
Customer: And
that's the latest version of the internet, right?
Tech Supp: Uhh
.. uh .. uh ... yeah.
****************************
Tech Supp: All
right ... now double-click on the File Manager icon.
Customer:
That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons! I'm a
protestant, and I don't believe in icons!
Tech Supp:
Well, it's just an industry term, sir. I don't think --
Customer: I
don't care about any "industry terms"! I don't
believe in icons!!!
Tech Supp: Well
... why don't you click on the "little picture" of
the file cabinet ... is "little picture" okay?
Customer: click
*******************************
Cust: My
computer crashed!
Tech: It
crashed?
Cust: Yeah, it
won't work -- I can't play my game!
Tech: All
right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.
Cust: No, it
didn't crash -- it crashed.
Tech: Huh?
Cust: I crashed
my game. That's what I said before! I crashed my spaceship
and now it doesn't work!!!
Tech: Click on
'File', then 'New Game'.
Cust: (pause)
WOW! How'd you learn to do that?
*********************************
A man
attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's
tech support number, complaining about the error mesage:
"Can't find the printer." On the phone the man said
he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the
computer still couldn't find it!
***********************************
Another user
was confused about why the cursor always moved in the
opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also
complained that the buttons were very difficult to depress.
She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the
mouse so that the tail was pointing away from her!
************************************
And now the
puns ...
This guy goes
into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home
town for the holidays. After perusing the menu, he says,
"I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes
in a few minutes, and it is served on a big, shiny hubcap. He
asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The
waiter responds in song, "Oh, there's no plate like
chrome for the hollandaise!"
===================
A hungry lion
was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading
a book; the other was typing away on his computer. Without
further contemplation, the lion pounced on the first man and
devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers
digest and writers cramp!
===================
There was a man
who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, hoping that at least one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did!
===================
A woman had
twins and gave them up for adoption. One went to a family in
Egypt and was named "Amal". The other was named
"Juan" by his Spanish family. Year later Juan sent
a picture of himself to his birth mother.
She was
thrilled, but told her husband that she only wished that she
also had a picture of "Amal." Her husband snorted,
"But they're twins -- when you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!"
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