You Might Be A Redneck If...

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Jeff Foxworthy's
You Might Be A Redneck If...

You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your gas attacks.

You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.

You can name the entire cast of the Dukes of Hazzard, but not your congressman.

The primary color of your truck is Bond-O.

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.

You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.

Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.

Your bra size is higher than your S.A.T. score.

Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

Your front porch cllapses and kills more than three dogs.

The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You can't spell your name without looking at your belt buckle.

You have to dress up the kids to go to K-Mart.

You think the "Battle of the Bulge" is an argument between your wife and mother.

You've ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

Someone asks for your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

You view duct tape as a long-term investment.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

The last thing you read was a syphilis pamphlet at the clinic.

You think the Bud Bowl is real.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathrom fixture.

Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.

No matter which side of the tracks you live on, it's the wrong side.

You've been on TV more than three times describing what the tornado sounded like.

You have the number for the UFO center on speed-dial.

There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floorboard of your truck.

The "Save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site.

You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

People regularly come to your house thinking it's a yard sale.

Your and your wife's family reunion are the same.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

During your wedding ceremony, the preacher said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"

You can drink beer through your nose.

Your wife ran off with your best friend, and you still miss him.

Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from between her lips when telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

You wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.

Your TV remote control is your son, Junior.

Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of your G.T.O.

You have three first names.

Your family business requires a lookout.

Your wife answers to "Cuz".

You have to take the entire day off work to have your teeth cleaned.

Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas".

Your husband chews the same brand of tobacco as your mother-in-law.

You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."

Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.

You cried the day your son tapped his first keg.

You repair your styrofoam cooler with duct tape and bubblegum.

Drying your clothes depends on the weather.

Someone says that your mother wears combat boots and you say, "So?"

You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.

Your best linens have "Property of Motel 6" printed on them.

You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.

You've ever worn camouflage pants to church.

You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.

You have eight cars and still have to bum a ride to work.

The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.

The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

Your idea of a big Saturday night is drinking beer and burning trash.

You know how to milk a goat.

You've ever mowed your yard and found a car.

Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.

Your dog goes "oink."

You write off a radiator as a business expense.

For your aniversary, you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.

You think the yellow pages have something to do with training a puppy.

You have season tickets for the tractor pull.

Your wife's hair-do has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.

You refer to your van as the "Love Machine."

Your family talks just like professional wrestlers.

You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify.

You sell rabbits out of your car.

Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.

Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.

Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday.

You think expresso means 8 items or less.

You've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.

All of your relative's cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.

Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.

You keep a pellet gun by the front door.

You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.

You think "recycling" means going home from work.

Your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.

You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception.

You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.

Your daddy has ever said, "You kids run down to the dump and see what they left."

A night on the town includes city jail.

Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.

You eat a bowl of beans to take a bubble bath.

There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.

Your life ambition is to own a fireworks stand.

You go to the family reunion to meet women.

You've ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.

You have orange road cones in your living room.

You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.

You get your oil changed by your barber.

Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.

You can field dress a dear, but can't change a diaper.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You check your shirt to spell your name.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

Your grandmother, mother, and wife all kids the same age.

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

Your bar tab always equals your paycheck.

The liquor store kniows you by your first name.

You run out of beer and your friends go home.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You videotape fishing shows.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

You get homesick watching Cops.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.

You always answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.

You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundys.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You own half of a pickup truck.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.

You've totaled every car you've owned.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

You panicked when Saers discontinued its catalog.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

There is a hot water bottle hanging from your shower curtain.

Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.

A full moon reminds you of your mother-in-law pulling weeds.

You've never paid for a haircut.

There are more than four hats in the rear window of your car.

You give "Chinette" as a wedding present.

The tires on your car don't fit under your fenders.

You think A-1 Sauce tastes great on 'possum.

You think the traffic sign "Merge" is a personal challenge.

You burn trash in your Sunday clothes.

You have fake fur on your dashboard.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

Nobody can rebuild an engine like mama.

You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

You stockpile motor oil.

Your favorite cologne is Blue Tick Hound.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.

Your dog drinks from the toilet and you don't care.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes three relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You call the operator to get the number for 911.

Your car alarm eats dog food.

You're considered an expert on worm beds.

You leave everything in your will to your mule.

You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.

You own a pair of knee-high moccassins.

You put "horns" on your new bride in your wedding pictures.

You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.

You haul more than U-Haul.

You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.

You showed up drunk for your D.U.I. hearing.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.

You've ever made love on top of a dog house.

You think Long John Silver is formal underwear.

When paying for beer, spare pistol shells fall out of your pocket.

Everyone in the house learns something from the potty-training vdeotape.

You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.

You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.

You've ever given yourself a social disease.

You've ever freshened up with a Slim Jim.

On stag night, you take a real deer.

You use a screwdriver to open your chewing tobacco.

All your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.

There is more oil in your baseball cap than in your car.

The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.

Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat".

You've ever water-skied in your underwear.

You pick your nose in line at the bank.

You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

There are engine parts on your coffee table.

You've ever been on television not wearing a shirt.

You have a feed store nightgown.

You've ever backed down an exit ramp.

Your arms are hairless from checking your pocketknife's sharpness.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

You use a piece of bread as a napkin.

Your dog passes gas and you claim it.

The police regularly come to your house to break up a fight, and you live alone.

You've ever hitch-hiked naked.

The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

You trim your beard and find a french fry.

The biggest sign on your place of business says "Minnows!"

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

It's midnight and everyone on your street knows what album you're playing.

Every room in your house is a junk room.

You've seen Walking Tall more than 50 times.

You go fishing with a generator and copper wire.

You have an above-ground pool and you fish in it.

It takes an entire dumpster to clean out your car.

People are scared to touch your bathrobe.

All your wedding guests were seated on the same side of the church.

At the dog track, you always bet on the dog that "does his business" right before the race starts.

Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks.

You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.

You go to a party and the punch bowl flushes.

Your only trip to the dentist was to get your dentures made.

The quality of your birthday present depends on how mama finishes in the wet t-shirt contest.

Your satellite dish has more square footage than your home.

You thought Ned Beatty was sexy in Deliverance.

You've ever had hot flashes at a cattle auction.

Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.

Your neighbors refer to a double-wide on a sand mound as "the mansion on the hill."

You think the last four words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

You made jewelry out of your gallstones.

You applied for a job while wearing a stocking cap.

You met your wife through a "personal ad" written on the men's room wall.

You take a spit cup out on the dance floor.

You always use tape to hem your pants.

You think cow-tipping should be an Olympic sport.

Your car burns more oil than gas.

The oil stain on your driveway looks like the result of a tanker spill.

Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

You wear tube socks with a dress.

Neither your or your husband's job requires you to wear a shirt to work.

You own a Waffle House credit card.

Most of your famoily have appeared on COPS.

The dishwasher and your wife are one and the same.

You've ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

You've ever walked through a drive-thru window.

The beer truck delivers door-to-door in your neighborhood.

Your cigarette lighter is your stove.

The cleaners inform you that they can't get the sweat stains out.

The only scales in your bathroom are leftovers from the fish cleaning.

You burn out your clutch in a funeral procession.

You can distinguish between the taste of 'possum and groundhog, blindfolded.

Three weeks after the circus, you're still talking about the elephant's accident.

Your idea of cleaning house is throwing everything in the back yard.

You don't recognize several relatives when they're sober.

You've ever used panty hose as a coffee filter.

The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

Your class reunion is a keg party in the woods.

You've ever thrown a tailgate party at a tractor pull.

You've ever borrowed chewing tobacco from your wife.

Your tooth has a cavity.

Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center.

You refer to hot sex as relative humidity.

Your horse can count higher than you.

You own all of the components of soap-on-a-rope except the soap. You fix holes in your truck with duct tape.

You proudly display a collection of automobile-shaped cologne bottles.

You go to the ear, nose, and throat doctor to have your finger removed.

You think Roe vs. Wade deals with boat ownership.

You made a cheat sheet for a hunter safety test.

All your Tupperware is old butter containers.

You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled somebody who was inside.

Your riding lawn mower has cup holders.

Your toothbrush has been in the family for generations.

You own a monogrammed minnow bucket.

Your truck has ever been the scene of a crime.

You play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get 4 teeth knocked out.

You've ever plucked a nose hair with a pair of pliers.

You have to wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.

Your little black book is a string of cocktail napkins.

You rip a loud one and blame your date.

Your veterinarian is also a taxidermist.

You know your daddy's CB handle, but not his real name.

Your bowling ball cost more than your college education.

You use your daughter's wedding as an excuse to buy a new shotgun.

You have a Jack Daniels poster in your living room.

You think Liberation was that funny-dressed guy who played the piano.

You've talked to your mama on the CB, but have never met her in person.

The sound of a siren sends your family running for the woods.

You shave your legs with your husband's fishing knife.

The cottage cheese container in your refridgerator holds night crawlers.

You make your wife ride in the back of the truck so the dog won't get sick.

You drive 600 miles to see an image of Elvis that has miraculously appeared in water stains on the ceiling of a trailer.

Your first pet was a chicken.

The National Guard had to be called out to your last family reunion.

Your school colors are camouflage.

Your horse lives in a better place than you do.

Your chili's secret ingredient comes from a bait shop.

Your gun safe is bigger than your refrigerator.

Your retirement plans include getting your own place.

You have a subscription to Hound Dogs Today.

You practice fishing off your front porch.

You have a refrigerator just for beer.

You clean your hands daily with gasoline.

You have your wife check the depth of the water before you drive your truck through it.

Your belt buckle trips the airport metal detector even when you aren't at the airport.

None of the tires on your car are the same size.

You wouldn't dare go anywhere without jumper cables.

Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

Your sex life improved with the invention of 4-wheel drive.

All your wall decorations have horns.

Your wife's arms got so big from pushing your car.

You went to the gun and knife show more than once in the same weekend.

The morning after your kids' slumber party, the dogs have fleas.

You've never made up your bed.

Trimming your beard reguires lawn equipment.

You buy lard wholesale.

Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.

You can do a moose mating call from any oriface other than your mouth.

Coworkers start a petition over your coffee cup.

One of your top concerns is going to the electric chair.

You have lots of hubcaps on your house, but none on your car.

Your hankerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

You regularly answer the question "What have you been doing lately?" with "Partying."

You can readily describe the taste of a squirrel.

You can take off your bra while driving.

There is not room for one more bumper sticker on your car.

You go to your sister's wedding just to kiss the bride.

Counting sheep makes you more aroused than sleepy.

You were driving a tractor before you could walk.

You stockpile pork & beans.

Trick-or-treaters are scared to come to your door.

The day after Halloween you go around town collecting toilet paper.

You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it.

Your family's No. 1 enemy is revenuers.

You bought your house at a hail sale.

Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.

You stare at a can of frozen orange juice because it says "concentrate."

You use lava soap more than three times a day.

You own a pair of homemade lizard skin boots.

When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

Your wife has a Jell-O mold that looks like Elvis.

You have more tattoos than teeth.

You wear cowboy boots with bermuda shorts.

You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

You've ever been the third through the bathwater.

You've never heard a toilet flush.

You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.

You don't have a home phone.

You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.

Wildlife has ever tried to mate with your clothes.

The family business is called Hubcap City.

You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.

You can't take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.

Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.

You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.

You've ever fed your date french fries in a Denny's.

Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.

You've ever eaten so much your bra hurt you.

Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.

You show strangers your war wound.

You stop and pick up furniture others have thrown out.

The "football pool" committee at work has to get a court order to garnish your paycheck.

The rear window of your truck or van is a picture.

You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.

When you get stopped for speeding, you wave at your friends passing by.

You own a lava lamp over 5 feet tall.

You use a cow pie for a paper weight.

You regularly give away free puppies.

Your mother owns a Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt.

You refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "Dual Air Bags."

You drive past a cow pasture and roll down your window get a whiff.

You own Patsy Cline salt and pepper shakers.

Your mother's nickname is Chainsaw, Swampdog, or Flea Bed.

You select you date's corsage to match her tattoo.

Your car stereo cost more than the car itself.

You think a house warming is something the KKK does.

Decorating for Christmas means holly on the propane tank.

Every Christmas party includes at least one fight in the front yard.

You won't go to the family Christmas party unarmed.

You hate driving to the penitentiary to spend Christmas with Mama.

You use pop-top chains on you Christmas tree.

Your community nativity scene has people wearing camouflage.

You leave a cold one and three pickled eggs for Santa.

Your dogs chase Santa's sleigh.

You have a tattoo that says "Born to bag groceries."

You own a pink flamingo with buck shot holes in it.

You're invited to your cousin's wedding and can't decide which side of the family to sit with.

Your entertainment center is made of boards and concrete.

You own every Boxcar Willie album.

You celebrate every night like it's New Year's Eve.

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