A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid around here." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up," You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"
Submitted by Christine
Technology for Country Folk
Your lesson for today
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the keys
SOFTWARE Them plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD: Thats hippie talk fer the rat hole.
Submitted by Sharon
REDNECK RULES OF ETIQUETTE
1) PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
2) DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
3) ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.
4) DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say Monday.
If it is the latter, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
5) THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
6) WEDDINGS
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride more than five seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
7) DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
8) TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.
Submitted by Maria
A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. Oneday, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.
The farmer priced his unit as follows:
Basic cow 499.95
Shipping and handling 35.75
Extra stomach 79.25
Two tone exterior 142.10
Produce storage compartment 126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper 189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system 149.20
Automatic fly swatter 88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery 179.90
Deluxe dual horns 59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment 339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly 884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb 69.80
FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: 2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments: 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options) $3143.36
Submitted by Lisa Rath
SOUTHERN SAYINGS
• "That dawg don't hunt." • "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." • "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." • "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." • "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'" • "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm." • "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." • "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull." • "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining." • "He's as country as cornflakes." • "This is gooder'n grits." • "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor." • "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." • "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits." Submitted by Stacey
you might be a redneck if . . .
Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.*** You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.*** You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.*** Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.*** You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.*** Your front porch collapses and four dogs git killed.*** You go to your family reunion looking for a date.*** Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.*** You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.*** Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.*** You can get dog hair from your belly button.*** The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.*** You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.*** You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.*** You have a rag for a gas cap.*** The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.*** You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.*** A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.*** One of your kids was born on a pool table.*** You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.*** You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.*** You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.*** You own a homemade fur coat.*** Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.*** On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.*** Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".*** You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.*** Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.*** You got Clapper devices controling the appliances in your house.*** You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.*** The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.*** The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.*** You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.*** You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.*** The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.*** You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.***
Submitted by Lisa Rath
A Letter from Mom
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.
Submitted by Sheri
To living in the South..
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
4. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
5. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
6. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
7. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
8. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
9. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
10. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
11. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Submitted by Faye
Hillbilly Poetry
Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!
Submitted by Tammy DaCajun Gal
Southern Slang aka Hickphonics
Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
EARL-noun. A mineral.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh changed the earl in his pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the oll in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "That poor bird is did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breathe .... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Uage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
Usage: "Billy Joe aint cummin to the perty...we seed him yesterdee at the bawrbawr shop."
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
Submitted by Tammy DaCajunGal
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