Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk.
Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now; have you had sex yet?"
Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."
Submitted by Bobbie aka Halfpint
Clinton died and went to heaven, or, to be more accurate, approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter. "'Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton." "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. "Lemme in!" replied Clinton. "Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury." After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.
Submitted by Tammy
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer,after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Submitted by Lisa Rath
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
" Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
Submitted by Stacey
Monica had just recovered consciousness after surgery and asked thedoctor, "How soon will I be able to resume a normal sex life?" The doctor looked puzzled and replied, "Oh, not very long?" "Why do you find the question so surprising?", asked Monica. "Well," replied the surgeon, " to be perfectly honest, I've never had a tonsilectomy patient ask me that question before!"
submitted by Sheri
Have you heard that Clinton had a minor operation. When he woke in the recovery room the curtains were closed and it was very dark in his room. When the doctor came in he asked him why the room was so dark. The doctor answered,' There was a fire down the street and I was afraid you would wake up and think you had died."
Submitted by Sheri
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About an hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of fine malt scotch in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?!" asked Bill. "Well, the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the scotch, and his beautiful 19 year old daughter just kissed me and kissed me and kissed me," mumbled the driver.
"My goodness, man! What did you tell them?" asks Clinton.
The driver replied, "I just said: I'm Bill Clinton's driver and I just killed the pig."
Submitted by Sheri
Clinton v. Titanic (amazing similarity...)
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.
TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.
Submitted by Maria
THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN.
"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her". I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight.. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability', and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
Thank you. And good night.
Submitted by Maria
Sing this to the Oscar Mayer song.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His baloney has a first name,
It's "I did not inhale."
His baloney has a second name,
"I wasn't getting tail."
He loves to sing it every day,
The White House people all just say,
That Billy Clinton has a way
Of making bullshit sound OK
Submitted by Lisa
&bsp;
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