Quick Thoughts...
**********************************************
* A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
* I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?
Submitted by Krista
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds during the course of the day.
BREAKFAST
half grapefruit
1 slice of whole wheat toast
8 oz. low fat or skim milk
LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Oreo cookie
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of Oreos in pack
2 pints Haagen Daz ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream
DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
1 large sausage & cheese pizza
4 large double fudge chocolate milkshakes
3 Milky Way candy bars
LATE EVENING NEWS
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.
REMEMBER:
STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS!
Submitted by Tammy DaCajunGal
The Dark Sucker Theory ~~~
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck - just like a vacuum cleaner does if you forget to change the bag. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. Then the Dark Sucker quits working.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
So next time you see an electric bulb, remember:
It's really a Dark Sucker!
Submitted by Mish
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the "Fnnnnn you know what slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE WIFE is driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Submitted by Sharon
Driving the speed limit.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back -wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving much slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Much slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two miles per hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask. Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Submitted by Tammy
Bumper Stickers for the 90's
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!
Earth is full! Go Home!!
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
I used to be disgusted.. now I am just amused
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult
If we quit voting will they all go away?
Politicks- From the words "Poly", meaning "Many" and "ticks" as in "small blood sucking parasites"
The face is familiar but I can't quiet remember my name
He who dies with the most toys... still dies.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway
Illiterate? Write for help
Honk if anything falls off
Cover me.. I am changing lanes
He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit
This isn't my idea of a good time
It's been lovely but I have to scream now
Uniquely maladjusted but fun
This bumper sticker exploits illiterates
Minimum wage for politicians
Visualize using your turn signals
I haven't lost my mind.. it is backed up on disk somewhere
Oh, Evolve!!!
You!! Out of the gene pool!!!
Gone crazy.. be back shortly
If you're not outraged.. you're not paying attention
I do whatever my rice krispies tell me too
If you are addicted to the internet ... go visit our web site at www.help4u.com
Submitted by Brandy
Out of the mouths of babes....
A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
***
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
***
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
***
Submitted by Tammy DaCajunGal
Corporate America has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue:
The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches, keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
4. Substantial hardware cost savings.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: DON'T shake it.
Submitted by Barby
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground.
Laughing helps. Its like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders. Sometimes it leaves completely.
The longer you complain, the longer God lets you live.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Submitted by Kim B.
Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
4. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
5. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
6. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
7. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
8. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
9. Men are sensitive in strange ways If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
10 Men have an easier time buying bathing suits Women have two types: depressing and more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
11 Men have higher body temperatures than women If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
12 Women take clothing much more seriously than men I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
13 Most men hate to shop That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
14 If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
15 If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
16 No man is charming all of the time Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
17 When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
18 When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
19 Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
20 Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
21 If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. he didn't lose your number.. he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
22 Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to have fun again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."
23 Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
24 Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
25 Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.
26 Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports They've already forgotten what happened.
Submitted by faye
Assorted thoughts . . .
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty and Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...
Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Submitted by Lisa Rath
WAYS TO HANDLE STRESS
1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your visa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on
4. When someone says "have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
7. Make a list of things of things that you've already done.
8. Dance naked in front of your pets.
9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
11. Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
12. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
13. Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
14. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
15. Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
16. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
17. Drive to work in reverse.
18. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones" during that important finance meeting.
19. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
20. Refresh yourself. Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
21. Tell your boss to blow it out a his mule and let him figure it out.
22. Polish your car with ear wax.
23. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
24. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
25. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
26. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
27. Write a short story; using alphabet soup.
28. Lie on your back eating celery....using your navel as a salt dipper.
29. Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
30. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Submitted by Lisa Rath
Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
Submitted by Lisa Rath
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella... WHOA
Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"
Submitted by Lisa Rath
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place.....
you either married it or gave birth to it.
Submitted by Angie
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