Famous Quotes and Funny Sayings

Famous Quotes  
Albert Einstein   Benjamin Franklin   Thomas Jefferson   Karl Klein   Abraham Lincoln   Vince Lombardi   William Shakespeare   Mark Twain   Oscar Wilde   Miscellaneous Authors  


Funny Sayings  
Woody Allen   Miscellaneous Authors  


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Famous Quotes

 

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Albert Einstein (1879-1955)


Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.
-Einstein
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
-Einstein
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
-Einstein
We must build spiritual and scientific bridges linking the peoples of the world.
-Einstein
If A equals success, then the formula is A=X+Y+Z, where X is work, Y is play, and Z is keep your mouth shut.
-Einstein

 



 

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Benjamin Franklin


Our Constitution is in actual operation. Everything appears to promise that it will last, but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.
-Franklin
He who won't be counseled can't be helped.
-Franklin
Energy and pestilence alter all things.
-Franklin
We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately.
-Franklin


 



 

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Thomas Jefferson


A little rebellion now is a good thing.
-Jefferson
Ignorance is preferable to error.
-Jefferson


 



 

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Karl Klein


Do not rely on uninformed emotions to make decisions.
-Klein
Adversity tests our integrity, Prosperity tests self-discipline (control).
-Klein

 



 

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Abraham Lincoln (1805-1865)


"If the good people, in their wisdom, shall see fit to keep me in the background, I have been too familiar with disappointments to be very much chagrined."
-Lincoln
"As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy. Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no democracy."
-Lincoln
( From "The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln." )
"Die when I may, I want it said of me that I plucked a weed and planted a flower wherever I thought a flower would grow."
-Lincoln
"It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!"
-Lincoln
( Address to the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society. )

"No one, not in my situation, can appreciate my feeling of sadness at this parting. to this place, and the kindness of these people, I owe everything. Here I have lived a quarter of a century, and have passed from a young to an old man. Here my children have been born, and one is buried. I now leave, not knowing when or if ever I may return, with a task before me greater than that which rested upon Washington. Without the assistance of that Divine Being who ever attended him, I cannot succeed. With that assistance I cannot fail. Trusting in Him who can go with me, and remain with you, and be everywhere for good, let us confidently hope that all will yet be well."
-Lincoln
( Farewell Address, Springfield, Illinois )
"I desire so to conduct the affairs of this administration that if at the end, when I come to lay down the reigns of power, I have lost every other friend on earth, I shall at least have one friend left, and that friend shall be down inside me."
-Lincoln
( Reply to Missouri Committee of Seventy )
"With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds, to care for him who shall have bourne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations."
-Lincoln
( Second Inaugural Address )
"I have always thought that all men should be free; but if any should be slaves, it should be first those who desire it for themselves, and secondly those who desire it for others. Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."
-Lincoln
( Address to an Indiana Regiment )
"Prohibition... goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes... A prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded." ( December 1840 )
-Lincoln
"Important principles may and must be inflexible."
-Lincoln
( Last public address, Washington, D.C. )
"You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn."
-Lincoln
"You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift."
-Lincoln
"You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong."
-Lincoln
"You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer."
-Lincoln
"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich."
-Lincoln
"You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man's initiative and independence."
-Lincoln
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell. It is simply purgatory.
-Lincoln
"You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves."
-Lincoln
"It is the duty of nations as well as of men to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God."
-Lincoln
"My concern is not whether God is on our side; my great concern is to be on God's side."
-Lincoln
"The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend."
-Lincoln
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I met.
-Lincoln


 



 

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Vince Lombardi (1913-1970)


If you aren't fired with enthusiasm,

you will be FIRED with enthusiasm.
-Lombardi
Winning isn't everything, but wanting to win is.
-Lombardi


 



 

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William Shakespeare


If all the year were playing holidays, to sport would be as tedious as to work.
-Shakespeare
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
-Shakespeare

 



 

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Mark Twain (1853-1910)


If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-Twain
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell. It is simply purgatory.
-Twain
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-Twain
I'm opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-Twain
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
-Twain

 



 

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Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)


I am not young enough to know everything.
-Wilde
Experience is the name everyone gives to his mistakes.
-Wilde
Life is far too serious a thing to ever talk seriously about.
-Wilde
The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out.
-Wilde
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Wilde

 



 

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Miscellaneous Authors


Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.
-Proverb
Of the thirty-six ways of avoiding disaster, running away is best. -Proverb
The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion.
-Washington
We must not look to the government to solve our problems. Government is the problem.
-Reagan
Forgive your enemies,
but never forget their names.
-J.F. Kennedy (1917-1963)
Nobody can ever make you feel inferior without your consent.
-Roosevelt
Assassination: The extreme form of censorship.
-Shaw
He who has lost freedom has nothing else to lose. -Anonymous
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world?
-Nixon
Not many men have both good fortune and good sense.
-Livy
Men willingly believe what they will. -Caesar
There's none so blind as they won't see.
-Swift
A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
-Bismarck
Always leave them laughing when you say goodbye.
-Cohan
Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.
-Tennyson
Wit is educated insolence.

-Aristotle (384-322 BC)

Men who borrow their opinions can never repay their debts.
-Savile
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
-Berlioz
No one respects a talent that is concealed. -Erasmus
What good is it to want to be the best if the
methods you use brings out the worst in you?
Things aren't always as they seem...
usually they are worse.
Truth is the only Justice there is.
Mind Over Matter
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
-Anonymous
By the inch, it's a cinch;
By the mile, it'll take a while;
-Rob Zee
There is no end to the great things we can accomplish
if we don't worry about who gets the credit.
EXPERIENCE IS THE OLDEST NECESSITY

-Reuben "DeWayne" Owens

Wise men make proverbs,
fools repeat them.
-Samuel Palmer, c. 1710
The school of hard knocks is an accelerated curriculum.
-Menander (342-292 BC)
Logic is in the eye of the Logician.
-Georia Steinem
Respect cannot be learned, purchased, or acquired; it can only be earned. -Bits & Pieces
If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain. -Dolly Parton
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. -Milton Berle
The point of living, and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. -Peter Ustinov
The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time. -Leo Kennedy
Obstacles are things a person sees when he takes his eyes off his goal. -E. Joseph Cossman
Nothing lasts forever; not even your troubles. -Arnold Glasgow
The one who loves least controls the relationship. -Anonymous
The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it. -Ruskin
Success is more attitude than aptitude. -Unknown
Everything that is done in the world is done by hope. -Luther
There's no getting around no motivation. -Keely
The way up and the way down are one and the same. -Eliot
Man errs as long as he strives.
-Goethe
There's a mighty big difference between good, sound reasons and reasons that sound good. -Hillis
There is no such thing as a free lunch.
-Friedman
A little inaccuracy contains a world of explanation.
-Aryes
I think that, as life is action and passion, it is required of a man that he should share the passion and action of his time at peril of being judged not to have lived. -MacIver
To live will be the greatest adventure of all. -Banning
A lie which is half truth is the blackest of lies. -Tennyson
All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare. -Spinoza
If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing badly. -Churchill
Never have partners. -Hughes
The way to be nothing is to do nothing. -Howe
Let us respect gray hairs, especially our own. -Senn
He who considers too much will perform little. -Schiller
Mathematics consists in proving the most obvious things in the least obvious way. -Polya
Advice is least heeded when most needed.
-Anonymous
It's not good to have everything one wants.
-Pascal
A man who views the world the same at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
-Ali
Truth is often eclipsed but never extinguished.
-Livy
Real wealth can only increase.
-Fuller
Just because everything is different doesn't mean that anything has changed.
-Southern California Oracle
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems. -Levian
You don't have to explain something you never said. -Coolidge
Is life worth living? That depends on the liver. -Anonymous
He who never fell never climbed. -Anonymous
Bad memory has its roots in bad attention. -Anonymous
Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean. -Goethe.
Every man dies; not every man lives. -Wallace
It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
-Howard Ruff
The best preparation for tomorrow is to do today's work superbly well. -Sir William Osler
The best way to judge a man's character is to see what he does when he thinks no one's looking. -Unknown
 


 

Funny Sayings

 

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Woody Allen


You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
-Allen
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Allen

 



 

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Miscellaneous Authors


Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
-Peter Ustinov
Laughter is by definition healthy.
-Lessing
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
-Bill Cosby
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
-Seinfeld
The best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it once.
-E. Joseph Cossman
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
-Andy Rooney
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
-Doug Larson.
Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
-E. Joseph Cossman
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
-George Burns
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
-Marquis de la Grange
It's not easy to soar like an eagle
when you're surrounded by turkeys!
He who laughs, lasts.
-Mary Pettibone Poole (c. 1938)
Psychiatry is ...

the care of the idd by the odd.
-Unknown

People who think they know everything
are very irritating to those of us who do.
-Unknown
When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
-Prof. Irwin Corey
The waist is a terrible thing to mind.
-Ziggy (Tom Wilson)
Don't be humble. You're not that great.
-Golda Meir (1898-1978)
Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser.
-Unknown
Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggie," until you can find a rock!
-Will Rogers
Talk is cheap...
... because supply exceeds demand
The future isn't what it used to be!
A good deed never goes unpunished.
-Gore Vidal
I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
-Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)
Una cena senza vino e' como un giorno senza sole.
(A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine.)
-Contributed
The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.
-Casey Stengel
If you don't find it in the Index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.
-Sears & Roebuck, 1897
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an orange.
-Unknown
If you're not five minutes early, you're ten minutes late.
-Anonymous
Life is what happens while we're busy making other plans.
-Lennon
To be on time is to be late. To be early is to be on time.
-Tim Gunter
I can't decide
if indecision is good or bad.
-Causey
Imagine if there were no hypothetical solutions...
-Mendosa
"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemorrhoids."
Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?
-Davino
It's a beautiful day.
I feel sorry for all the people who died early this morning; they missed the whole day.
-Unknown
Nothing's more useful than surviving in everyday life.
-Dr. Miles Murdocca
48.7% of all statistics are useless. -Anonymous
I'll be the in to your sane. -Numan
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. -John Russell
Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
-Dennis Fakes
We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic.
-Cullen Hightower
When fate hands us a lemon, let's try to make lemonade.
-Carnegie
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. -Goldwyn.
After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident, it makes you wonder about history.
-Bits & Pieces
People wish to learn to swim and at the same time to keep one foot on the ground.
-Proust
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
-Milton Berle
A small town is a place where there's no place to go where you shouldn't.
-Bacharach
The older you get, the more you like to tell it like it used to be.
-Unknown
Consumers are statistics. Customers are people.
-Marcus
Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults.
-Neuman
Moderation in the protection of liberty is no virtue; extremism in the defense of freedom is no vice.
-Goldwater
The only way to succeed is to make people hate you. That way, they remember you.
-von Sternberg
It's always been and will always be in the world:
the horse does the work,
and the coachman gets tipped.
Never drink beer at your desk. Supervisors don't like it.
-Shoales
Doing nothing: that's hard work.
-Fowles
Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.
-Asner
Children are natural mimics: they act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.
-Anonymous
There is always a moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.
-Greene
Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.
-Ustinov
First you have to teach a child to talk, then you have to teach it to be quiet.
-Prochnow
Many a family tree needs trimming.
-Hubbard
Now and then there is a person born who is so unlucky that he runs into accidents that started to happen to somebody else.
-Marquis
We love a joke that hands us a pat on the back while it kicks the other fellow downstairs.
-Edson
If you don't know what it is, don't mess with it.
-Waller
If you can't pronounce it, you can't afford it.
-Wilson
Some people thing that doctors and nurses can put scrambled eggs back in the shell.
-Canfield
Joy, temperance, and repose slam the door on the doctor's nose.
-Longfellow
At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves.
-Orwell
It takes lots of things to prove you are smart, but only one thing to prove you are ignorant.
-Herold
You know, everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
-Rogers
Strange how much you have to know before you know how little you know.
-Anonymous
A good education is the next best thing to a pushy mother.
-Schulz
Money is always there, but the pockets change.
-Stein
Two can live as cheap as one, but it costs twice as much.
-Anonymous
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
-Fields
If you want to know what a man is really like, notice how he acts when he loses money.
If you don't disagree with me, how will I know I'm right?
-Goldwyn
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
-West
Be careful what you set your heart upon, for it will surely be yours.
-Baldwin
Victory goes to the player who makes the second-to-last mistake.
-Tartakower
I finally know what distinguishes me from the other beasts: financial worries.
-Renard
Why do people sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they're already there?
-Andersen
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
-Giraudoux
Marriage is a souvenir of love.
-Rowland
We can't all, and some just don't. That's all there is to it.
-Milne
The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
-Jessel
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.
-Graffiti
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.
-Hadas
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
-Franklin P. Jones
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because
it's unfamiliar territory.
-Paul Fix
 
 
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"This page is dedicated to my father, Charles Dieter. He appreciates history and is a man who ponders. He is able to find humor in the sayings and actions of others, and will appreciate the above. A father who gave his children a lot of attention while they were tender in years. May our God and Father in heaven show a similar attitude when considering him as a resident in His Kingdom."
- Christopher Dieter


Charles and Carol Dieter (c. 4-94)
At the Bossert Hotel in Brooklyn, New York
(Married: 07-26-63)


Literature, including poems, short stores, famous quotes & funny sayings, provides insight into making life more fun, meaningful, and rewarding.

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Revision:  February 22, 2004
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