Kirby: What If Brother Gates Had Hung Up His Shingle in Utah? We'd Be Thanking Thee for a
Profit
Because I am a Windows 95 user, I understand the purpose and power of prayer. Every click
of the mouse is not only an act of utter faith, but also a lot like lowering your head and charging
into the side of a garage.
But until I received an e-mail from Rick, I never really understood just how much of a
headache Windows could have been. But for a merciful God, Microsoft just might have been
based in Utah.
NOTE: Some of what follows came from Rick. Some of it is mine as dictated by the spirit. I
won't give you Rick's last name because, based on where he works, a squad of stern (but loving)
ecclesiastical types would probably pay him a visit five minutes after this rolled off the press.
'NUTHER NOTE: As a professional journalist of the highest caliber, I have a responsibility to
protect the confidentiality of my sources. This I fully intend to do unless, of course, someone
offers me 50 bucks. At which point Rick, if he wants to remain both employed and a Mormon,
will have to enter the Witness Protection Program.
How would things be different if Microsoft was headquartered in Utah? Well, for starters,
Rick and I believe that:
-- The No. 1 product would be ``Microsoft Windows of Heaven 98.''
-- Instead of an hourglass icon, you would get a beehive.
-- Deer-gutting clips would serve as the default screen saver.
-- Dialogue boxes would give users the choice of ``Celestial,'' ``Telestial,'' or ``Outer Darkness''
instead of ``Yes, No, or Cancel.''
-- Ecclesiastical endorsements would be required for all Web-site providers.
-- Instead of ``Ta-Da!'' the opening sound would be seagulls regurgitating crickets.
-- The ``Recycle Bin'' in Windows of Heaven 98 would be a ``Court of Love.''
-- Windows of Heaven 98 would come with a free copy of Norton Ute-ilities.
-- Instead of the Rolling Stones' ``Start Me Up,'' the Windows of Heaven 98 theme song would
be the Mo Tab Choir's ``We Thank Thee For A Profit.''
-- Microsoft's main programming tools would be ``Black and White Basic'' and ``Beyond the
Shadow of a DOS.''
-- Instead of VP's, Microsoft big shots would be called ``GA's.''
-- Four words: Mister Mac Screen Saver.
-- Windows of Heaven logo would incorporate Angel Moroni.
-- PC hardware could be repaired using minivan parts. Volvo parts for Apple.
-- ``You could be a multibillionaire like Brother Bill if you used the Franklin Planner. . . .''
-- Flight simulator replaced by handcart simulator.
-- Microsoft CEO: Elder W. Smith Fielding Gates.
-- Windows of Heaven automatically shuts down every Monday night for Family Home
Evening.
-- Error message replaced by orange UDOT detour sign. ``Your computer has performed an
illegal function. Major crash imminent. . . .''
-- Shutdown wave file: ``I hope they call me on a mission.''
-- Karl Malone as Microsoft Word-processing coach.
-- Automatic and absolute Gospel Explorer Internet browser.
-- Minesweeper replaced by Pothole. Rook cards substituted for evil Solitaire and Hearts
pasteboards.
-- For customer support: Fast and pray.
Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby lives in Springville. The self-described
``OxyMormon'' welcomes mail at P.O. Box 684, Springville, UT 84663, or e-mail at
rkirby(AT)sltrib.com.