ROBERT KIRBY
The latest Utah rage, and I mean that literally, concerns the issue of plural marriage. It's a big
deal locally because Mormons, of which Utah has a few, once practiced it. Whether we ever
became any good at it is much debated.
Today, Utahns remain divided over the issue. Some believe plural marriage is a religious
matter that government should butt out of, while others see it as a legal matter requiring large
amounts of electro-shock therapy and jail time.
A third group, possibly even the majority of Utahns, couldn't care less about plural marriage so
long as they don't have to do it or pay for it. If they think about it at all, it's usually in the form of
``Doesn't this state have enough kids already?''
As a Mormon, a descendant of early polygamists and a theological watchdog, I think about
plural marriage a lot. Most Mormons do. Even though we don't have Sunday School lessons on
polygamy anymore, it's always in the back of our minds.
If it isn't pondering the fact that our ancestors practiced plural marriage, we are mulling over
its predicted return. Finally the claim (heard less often as time goes by) that plural marriage is
necessary for us to make it into the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom.
Unless they live in denial, every Mormon must come to terms with these points. It's harder for
some than it is for others, and impossible for more than a few. For what it's worth, here are my
own conclusions:
-- Mormons once practiced plural marriage. Big deal. We used to live in sod houses, eat roots,
and pick stupid fights with the U.S. Army, too. I am perfectly OK with the fact that we don't
anymore.
-- The doctrine of plural marriage will return. So what? The church can't even get me to do my
home teaching on time. Why should I worry about it pressuring me to take more wives?
-- Polygamy is a necessary for Mormon glory. This one is easy. Anyone who thinks Robert
Kirby stands a chance of going to the Celestial Kingdom anyway, raise your hand. Nobody? Big
surprise.
Granted, these are not your usual Mormon views. Exactly what the usual LDS view on
polygamy is today is anyone's guess. Frankly, we don't talk about it much anymore. Probably
because if we did, it might come back.
While I wouldn't be one myself, I don't care if someone else wants to be a polygamist -- wait,
let me finish -- so long as they aren't marrying teen-age girls, locking up their wives or
inbreeding. Frankly, the last thing the world needs is a fundamentalist group of people whose
heads get smaller with every generation.
Maybe we ought to legalize polygamy. Hey, then we could regulate it better. What's that, you
say . . . polygamy serves no social or moral value? Well, neither do alcohol, cigarettes and 90
percent of the movies coming out of Hollywood, but they aren't illegal either.
It's just a thought. My guess is that plural marriage isn't going to go away just because the
government doesn't allow it.
Of course, all of this is a moot point for me. At least that's what my wife says.
Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby lives in Springville. The self-described
``OxyMormon'' welcomes mail at P.O. Box 684, Springville, UT 84663, or e-mail at
rkirby(AT)sltrib.com.