Gift Idea for God - Try to Become More Like a Dog and See How Dramatically the World
Improves
BY ROBERT KIRBY SALT LAKE TRIBUNE COLUMNIST
This year, I have decided to get God a present for Christmas. Since he already has pretty
much everything in the world, I have decided to get him a new me. A me more like my dog.
I figure life would be much more beneficial if I start imitating Scout. After all, dogs are
smarter than most people, including all politicians.
If you don't think so, name a dog who has ever started a war. While many dogs have
extramarital affairs, you never see one trying to weasel out of the fact by lying to the press. Heck,
dogs will confess anything.
Enough about Congress. This is really about showing the Lord how thankful you are by
becoming a better person. And since nobody is more thankful for what they have than a dog, this
brings us to Scout.
Scout is a 2-year-old golden lab mix. Her most endearing quality is the fact that she is
frantically grateful for anything I do for her. Feed her, pet her, yell at her, it's all the same to
Scout. A mere glance in her direction is enough to send Scout into a paroxysm of tail-whipping
joy. Speak to her and she just about turns into a helicopter.
Contrast this to people, most of whom are decidedly ungrateful for what they have. It's not
enough for a human to be warm, fed and housebroken. Nope. We are not really grateful unless
we're smarter, better-looking and richer than everyone around us. If we aren't, we sulk and hate
God for treating us so badly.
Dogs never sulk. For them, it's Christmas 365 days a year. Dogs will love you no matter what
because the only thing they really want is for you to be there.
Science once tried to find out what made dogs so happy about life. Electrodes hooked to dog
brains revealed, on a scale of 1 to 10, just how much joy they experienced by various events. The
results were astonishing.
-- Eating/sleeping -- 10.
-- Chewing a hole through the sofa -- 10.
-- Going on a walk -- 10.
-- Getting whacked with rolled-up newspaper -- 9.8.
Some people (idiots and fools mostly) will point out that the reason dogs are so happy is
because they're so stupid. I don't think so. Ever see a dog max out a credit card? Has a dog ever
shot someone for cutting them off on the freeway? Does anyone know a dog who likes rap
music? A dog hooked on crack?
Now, tell me again how smart people are.
The Greek philosopher Diogenes had this figured out way back in 300 B.C. Diogenes rejected
tradition and social conventions and the emotional baggage they brought. Nicknamed ``the Dog,''
Diogenes' followers were called cynics (kynikos, ``doglike'').
Diogenes, one of the great minds produced by Athens, abandoned all his possessions, begged a
living and lived in a barrel.
(Yes, I know he was a bit of a jerk. But hang with me on this).
One day, Alexander the Great paid a visit to the barrel and found the great philosopher
sprawled in the sunlight. When the conqueror of the world asked what he could do for the
philosopher/bum, Diogenes replied, ``Move over there. You're in my light.''
Alexander and Diogenes: one wanted the world while the other was thankful for just some free
sunlight. I suppose we could argue vigorously about which of the two had more to be grateful for.
We could if it wasn't time for me to take my dog for a walk.
Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby lives in Springville. The self-described
``OxyMormon'' welcomes mail at P.O. Box 684, Springville, UT 84663, or e-mail at
rkirby@sltrib.com.