Date: Sep 16 17:43
Author: JT
I am in the long slow process of leaving the church. One of the topics that has been eating away at me is the time I wasted on my mission. Here are few items that are truly tormenting me right now.
Writing down what I feel is my only therapy right now. It makes me sick to think of all the people I damaged on my mission. My mission was run by numbers. We were constantly quoted that “as long as the convert puts out their cigarette on the way down to the water, they are worthy”.
I baptized around 75 (see I can still remember numbers) people on my mission and only two were still active when I went home from my mission. I served in a Latin America mission and I found most of the people got baptized to either please the missionaries, or they enjoyed the attention. As a missionary I never doubted what I was told to do, but I hated baptizing people who I knew would never continue to attend church.
Why did I not see what was going on? We were told never to bring up blacks in the priesthood or polygamy in our discussions. I still remember the heartbreaking look on a single black mothers faces, 2 weeks after she was baptized, when she found out about blacks in the priesthood. She cried and asked us why we did not teach her this (she found out from friends at work). We had no good answer other than to tell her to have faith. I spoke to my mission president and he said we had done our jobs and that she now at least had the Holy Ghost in her life. I look back now and it makes me physically ill to think about this poor women we took advantage of. How could mission presidents have taught this crap to vulnerable young people? Dirty rotten SOBs.
My mission was nothing but a numbers and ranking game. To win the game you had to baptize a lot, and advance in ranks (district leader, zone leader, AP). Oh, I made it to the top and was an AP and I and my family were so proud. Nobody ever asked me if the people I damaged (baptized) were happier as members of the church.
I knew what I was doing was not right, but I was so blind I did everything I was told. It has been 20 years since I served on my mission and I am ashamed. If I had all the address of the people I baptized I would send them an apology letter.
One of the reasons, the church sends “kids” on missions is because they are so energetic and have not learned to think for themselves. Even on my mission I felt I was not good enough for the church and it really eats a me what the church has done to my confidence and self esteem. What would my life had been like if I had not put all my energy into “not feeling guilty”. What a waste of 2 years.
JT
Page Modified: September 17, 2002