Domestic abuse
Those of us who live in this world of domestic abuse, here is some encouragement, just a little something to let you know that you are not here alone. I have lived through it, and I will be a survivor. I will be a survivor of both mental and physical abuse. As the experts will tell you, the mental abuse is worse than the physical abuse. I intend to believe that. I was mentally abused to the point that I felt i was not worthy of the life that i had, and I have blocked out situations that I dont even know about, I would have rather been beaten, only because the bruises fade away, but the pain of the mental abuse never goes away. When you personally cannot handle what is going on in your life or if you cannot except what is going on in your life......God knows at that point what you can deal with and what you are not ready to deal with. Those situations that you cannot deal with is the one's that you block out, and it may be awhile or a lifetime, before you will remember what actually happened that caused you to block it out! Only God will let you remember, and only when he believes you can handle it.
Gift From Within
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Understanding the Victims of Spousal Abuse
Frank M. Ochberg
As I write about spousal victimization I realize three very
different audiences will read these words. First are those who
are victims; second are those who were victims; third are those
concerned enough to care and to learn and to help, but never
victimized themselves. Since the word, "victim, "
carries connotations and associations that some find degrading, I
use it with misgivings. Once "victim" meant a living
being sacrificed to the gods and the word implied innocence and
virtue. Now our victor-oriented culture disparages the victim,
blames the victim, ostracizes, isolates and condemns. Who desires
the label, "victim" ?
Nevertheless, many readers are living with violent, abusive
spouses and are enduring repetitive victimization. You deserve
dignity, freedom from fear and compassionate acceptance by your
community. You are not to blame. I hope your victim status will
soon end.
Those readers who are no longer abused, who have escaped and
survived, and who realize they were victims once, are the hope
for a sea-change in spousal relations. You know how paralyzing
the fear of the family tyrant can be; you know how difficult and
dangerous the path to freedom can be; you know how frustrating is
to debate those who perpetuate the status quo, often encrusting
their ignorance in a shell of arrogant misogyny. I hope you will
prevail, maintaining your own gains, helping others escape,
persuading and educating the uninformed.
And those who have no personal experience as a victim of spousal
abuse, those who read to understand and to help, might begin by
recalling a time of intimidation by a larger person, perhaps in
childhood, when you dared not fight, when you felt small and hurt
and humiliated. Join hands with the victims and the survivors.
Feel the partnership, the parity, the universality of being human
and being hurt. Because in this field, to deny one's
vulnerability to victimization is to pass from person to
authority, to feel and to seem separate: We are all colleagues
when the issue is coping with human cruelty.
Why does spouse abuse happen?
Spouse abuse happens because men batter and get away with it.
Violent aggression is human, And among humans, the dangerous
violators are overwhelmingly male. Males outnumber females as
murderers, assaulters, sexual abusers and every other category of
violent criminal action. Males use deadly weapons for sport, for
war, for personal gain far more frequently than do females. The
mammalian brain has sex-linked differences associating aggression
and male gender. The male hormone, testosterone, is implicated in
violent behavior. Laboratory experiments on rats and mice show
hormonally induced reversal of gender correlates with reversal of
aggressive patterns of behavior. Any attempt to explain why
spouse abuse happens must begin with the fact that the male of
our species, for many reasons, has aggressive behaviors and these
often find expression in the family.
Spouse abuse has historic roots. Females have been bought and
sold and bartered, ritually branded and mutilated, denied
education, land ownership, means of travel, and are not yet full
partners in owning and controlling the major institutions of this
world. In a political sense, the female gender is engaged in a
long march from slavery, still eclipsed in the shadow of
patriarchal dominance. When parity in power is sought, too often
the seeker is punished. Behind closed doors the punishment may be
swift, explosive and brutal.
Some cultures permit more subjugation and intimidation of women
than do others. Some cultures extol the use of force to preserve
the status of the male. When males teach males to slap their
women to keep them in line, abuse is normative rather than
aberrant. Although wife beating is no longer a publicly
acceptable behavior, it is privately promoted within many male
groups.
Why does the victim stay?
Particularly, why would a woman whose face is disfigured, whose
bones are broken, whose pregnancy is lost, remain with a spouse
who might beat her to death?
For some, there is simply no exit. The door is open but she
cannot leave. She has no resources of her own. Her children need
her. She is terrified of the police. Social workers are people
who can declare you an unfit mother. The perpetrator has
threatened to kill her if she leaves or if she tells and she
knows no safe haven from him. There is no federal witness
protection program for domestic assault victims. Her fear is real,
the threat is real, the pathway to freedom cannot be found.
For some the shame is crushing. To heal in private, behind dark
glasses, behind closed blinds is far better than to be seen by
others. Physical pain is more bearable than shame. The shame is
deeper than embarrassment. It is mortification, humiliation,
dehumanization. Shame depends on the eyes of others. Avoid the
eyes, avoid the shame. Stay home. Endure.
Some harbor hope for better times. The cycle of tension, abuse,
relief; tension, abuse, relief has periods in which optimism is
rewarded. Hope for the cessation of battering is realized and the
relief experienced in the periods of peace is profound. Animal
experimenters and human inquisitors know there is nothing as
powerful as relief from torture as a positive reward for desired
behavior. For some battered women the thin thread of hope and the
episodic experience of relief reinforces her decision to stay.
Why do they love?
Beyond conscious hope and relief is an unconscious process of
traumatic bonding, learned in infancy and relearned as intimacy
is interwoven with abuse. This phenomenon appears in the bizarre
attachment of some hostages to their captors known as the "Stockholm
Syndrome. " It explains why some victims love their abusers.
In a bank vault in Stockholm, Sweden twenty years ago, Kristin,
the hostage was held by Olafson, the armed assailant. She could
not speak, she could not eat, she could not use a toilet without
his permission. She was not only terrified, she was infantilized.
Infants cannot survive without care and feeding by their parents.
They do not know the meaning of the word love. But they must
experience relief when their hunger is sated, when a wet diaper
is changed, when a warm blanket is provided. And we can assume
that the child experiences a precursor of love --a profound,
primordial gratitude for the continuing gift of life, expressed
in finite acts of kindness. Often the kindness is relief from
discomfort and pain.
Kristin denied that Olafson, her captor, was the source of her
pain. Many hostages deny or repress or forget that fact. They do
realize, consciously and deep inside, that someone with the power
to take their life is not killing them. On the contrary, this
powerful person gives them food and blankets and permission to
speak and the right to use a toilet. The hostage feels grateful
and attached. Scores of ex-hostages have described this
phenomenon to me. Only when the feeling of attachment has faded,
sometimes years later, do they fully appreciate what occurred and
arrive at a reasonable explanation. They describe that they did
not seek a loving or compassionate attachment to a killer (many
hostage survivors saw their captors kill others). The survivor
often tried to fight a feeling of affection. But gradually they
felt warmly toward one or more hostage holders, particularly
those that showed some signs of nurturance. If the age and gender
were appropriate, the positive feelings could approximate
romantic love. Kristin felt it toward Olafson. Patty Hearst felt
it toward Cujo. But others (a senior magistrate held by young
Italian "Red Brigades"; a 50 year old editor on a train
captured by Dutch Moluccans) described fatherly or avuncular
affection. And the feelings were often reciprocated from hostage
holder to hostage. Both parties feared and resented, even hated,
the authorities outside --the government and the police who
seemed to be the enemy . Those authorities delayed the
negotiations, wouldn't take them seriously, and might storm the
sanctuary and kill them all. Within the siege room traumatic
bonding had occurred.
So in the case of the Stockholm Syndrome a normal adult may
experience ironic attachment to an abuser through the sequence of
terror, isolation, infantilization, denial, gratitude and
attachment. Love is felt by some. A battered wife might love for
similar reasons. Or, a battered wife might love her spouse
because she was trained from infancy to love an abusive parent --that
is, to equate love with the intimate enduring dependence on one
who provides life's necessities and who also hits and hurts.
Or, the battered wife might love her spouse because relief from
punishment is so rewarding that she has learned to savor this
feeling while denying the pain of physical abuse.
Or, she might love qualities that are lovable and suppress any
outrage in response to behaviors that are cruel. Love is
notoriously irrational, complex and paradoxical. To regard all
love in abusive relationships as a product of abuse is unhelpful
and untrue.
Few women and none that I have worked with as patients or clients
wanted to be beaten. They were not masochistic. Because the term,
masochism, exists, we seek examples to fulfill the concept.
Theoretically, it is conceivable that love could be based on the
aberrant attraction to a sadistic sexual partner. But this would
be a rare exception. It is insulting to victims of abuse to
suggest that the abuse is desired.
What are the merits of counseling methods for victims?
Given the many forms and facets and stages of spouse abuse,
generalizations about counseling are hazardous. Those women who
are currently being battered need physical protection, advocacy,
financial resources, and a reliable support system. Practical
training to assure independent survival is necessary. No single
counselor can provide all the help that is usually needed at the
outset. A successful intervention is multidisciplinary, proactive,
and well coordinated. Survivors who have learned to cope not only
with abusive spouses, but with intimidating bureaucracies are
valuable allies. Attorneys who are willing to help with civil
orders on short notice are critical assets. Shelters are often
necessary. Doctors who will document wounds and testify to their
findings may save a life. Police and welfare professionals are
now more educated, aware and specialized. Unfortunately, other
obligations frequently intrude. The therapist or counselor helps
initially by opening the door to all of these resources, by
assuring that life threatening issues are appropriately addressed,
by deferring any exploration of self defeating patterns of
behavior until safety is achieved and a new network has been
formed.
Since the family of origin is, too often, a source of insult and
betrayal, undermining the woman's search for freedom and dignity,
counselors learn to assess trustworthy contacts. Shelters may
offer the best initial environment not only because they keep the
perpetrator out, but because they offer an esteem-enhancing human
group instead of a dysfunctional family of origin.
Ultimately, psychological issues are addressed. Herein lies a
strenuous challenge for survivor and therapist. The disturbing
fact that more depression is encountered by battered wives who
leave than by battered wives who stay must be confronted. And the
treatment of post-abuse depression is not as simple as the
treatment of common mood disorder. The victim/survivor's
depression is rooted in the reality of abuse and neglect and
historically condoned cruelty. Prozac wont change that truth.
The emerging specialty of traumatic stress studies provides a new
generation of clinicians with diagnoses, theory and techniques
that help victims of sudden, catastrophic stress. PTSD (post
traumatic stress disorder) is well understood as a common
syndrome including flashbacks, nightmares, unwanted memories,
emotional numbing, avoidance of reminders, concentration deficit,
insomnia, irritability and other related symptoms. PTSD
specialists know how to educate and coach and guide survivors
toward mastery of traumatic memories and a new emotional
equilibrium.
But liberation from a lifetime of abuse is a different issue
entirely. PTSD may or may not be present. If it is, it is complex
rather than simple. Brief therapy is usually insufficient. Issues
of trust, rejection, anger and abandonment take time, skill and
patience.
Writing about long term therapy with battered wives who are
alternately compliant and resentful, Lenore Walker observes
"Some therapists become so confused by this process that
they relabel it as borderline behavior because of the intensity
of the client's angry or smothering demands. . . battered women
feel so unlovable that they need to be sure that their therapist
likes/loves them, and like adolescents they are constantly
testing it. Keeping to firm limits and calm but minimal responses
are the most helpful behavior the therapist can engage in. This
gives the message that you like her, are willing to stay with her
in treatment without being abusive, and understand that she is
scared. However, some of the limit setting and distancing
techniques recommended for use with borderline clients would be
counterproductive for use with a battered woman as they would set
up power and control issues and not provide the warmth and
understanding needed to regain feelings of safety. "
Obviously, not every therapist is equipped to help the woman who
wants to change the habits that helped her endure abuse. In fact,
many therapists make matters worse. They do this by announcing
their skepticism. They do this by withholding support. They do
this by falling in the traps identified by Dr. Walker.
Therefore three caveats are offered for those seeking counseling:
Shop Around. The first or second counselor may not be right for
you. This relationship will be very important. You should feel
comfortable and you should be sure your counselor is comfortable
with you.
Change Counselors If You Must. Early in a therapeutic
relationship you may feel betrayed or insulted. Since sensitivity
to rejection is often a problem for persons dealing with
interpersonal issues in therapy, you deserve a counselor who you
can trust. If a counselor cannot deal with your anger, you might
be better off elsewhere .
Endure Once You Find the Right Counselor. Those who are out of an
abusive relationship, but struggling to find a sense of personal
worth, consistency and security, will often have stormy times in
therapy. Your job is not to please your therapist, but your
therapist will be pleased if you reach your goal of independence.
In sum, spouse abuse happens because our so called civilization
is not that civilized and men get away with beating women. Women
stay with these men for several reasons, including fear,
isolation and unusual forms of love. Leaving is dangerous for
many, difficult for most. A common long term consequence of abuse
is an interpersonal and intrapersonal condition that includes
depression, rejection sensitivity, anger and difficulty with
trust. Counseling for victims should be practical,
multidisciplinary and geared to security needs. Therapy for those
who are safe but not fully "whole" is a longer, more
demanding process.
Therapy is not the answer; we must do more than treat the wounded.
Spouse abuse is a long standing, entrenched problem. Fortunately,
there are experienced, effective survivors committed to changing
this cruel aspect of human history.
Selected References
Raisman, G . (1972) . Sexual dimorphism in rat preoptic area .
Res . Publ . A nerv. ment. Dis., 52, 42-51. ( First evidence of
reversible sex-linked anatomical differences in mammalian brains).
Schellenbach, C.J. (1991). Biological correlates of gender
differences in violence. In J.S. Milner (ed. ), Neuropsychology
of aggression (pp. 117-129). Boston: Kluwer Academic Publishers.
(Good, scientific review chapter. Incidentally, females do
outnumber males in arrests for child abuse and infanticide --exceptions
to the rule of male predominance in violent crime.) (Another good
chapter in this volume is, Rosenbaum, A. The neuropsychology of
marital aggression.)
Demause, L. (1991). The universality of incest. Am. j.
psychohistory, 19:2, 123-164. (A thorough and frightening account
of historic and cultural mutilation and subjugation of girls and
women.)
Martin, D. (1976, revised 1981) . Battered wives. San Francisco:
Volcano Press. (Says it all, in paperback.)
Scheff, T.J. and Retzinger, S.M. (1991). Emotions and violence.
Lexington, MA: Lexington Books. (Shame and rage in destructive
conflicts ) . Young, G. H. and Gerson, S. (1991). Masochism and
spouse abuse. Psychotherapy, 28:1, 30-38. (Covers traumatic
bonding, cycle theory of violence, abuse during childhood, and
includes an excellent bibliography).
Strentz, T. (1982). The Stockholm syndrome. In F. M. Ochberg and
D. Soskis (eds. ), Victims of terrorism (pp. 149-163) . Boulder:
Westview . Herman, J. L., (1992) Complex PTSD: a syndrome in
survivors of prolonged and repeated trauma. J. traumatic stress,
5:3, 377-391.
Walker, L. (1991). Battered woman syndrome. Psychotherapy, 28:1,
21-29. (A recent sample of Dr. Walker's prolific contribution to
this field, including her insights on controversial diagnoses
such as Selfdefeating Personality Disorder and Borderline
Personality Disorder).
American Psychiatric Association. (1987). Diagnostic and
statistical manual of mental disorders (3rd ed., revised)
http://www.sourcemaine.com/gift/spousal.html
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Frank M. Ochberg, MD is adjunct professor of psychiatry, criminal
justice and journalism at Michigan State University. He served in
the cabinet of Governor William Milliken as Mental Health
Director. His book, Post Traumatic Therapy and Victims of
Violence, is widely acclaimed as one of the leading resources in
the field. Videotapes and articles by Dr. Ochberg and others are
available from a new international charity, Gift From Within, 1-800-888-5236.
PLEASE READ THIS - WE NEVER KNOW WHO IS NEXT.
I got flowers today. It wasn't my birthday or any other special
day.
We had our first argument last night, And he said a lot of cruel
things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean
the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other
special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to
choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn't believe it was
real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he
must be sorry, Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other
special day.
Last night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than all
the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take
care of my kids?
What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I
know he must be sorry, Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day
of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I
had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would
not have gotten flowers today.
STOP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TODAY!!!! DO NOT TOLERATE IT!!!!!
I have to say one thing here, for all of us victims of this violent world........ I know you all say it is easier said than done, and I am an expert when i say this, only because I live with that saying.....someone will tell you that you can make it without whoever you are with and in the back of your mind.....you say....its easier said than done. I think we all know that feeling. I know the feeling of shame!! The shame of getting beat again, and covering up for it, and you take the blame, "it was my fault," I shouldn't have made him mad. I have to live with it. Others will say "you don't have to live like that" but, we all know that sometimes, YES we do have to live with it, only because we dont always have a way out and also we are to afraid of changes. Who will help us with the children, who will pay the bills that keep piling up?....The children love their daddy, how can you take them away from him?...What if the next relationship you have is worse than the one you are in? Then what? You have family who says they are there for you, but you have no trust in anyone, so it is hard for you to believe it. You think the family does not know all of the story, and you can't explain the WHY! So you sit and cry, and then escape into your own little world doing whatever keeps your mind off of the thought of........ "THE HOW'S?" ........THE WHEN's....THE WHERES.....THE WHY'S........AND OOHHH, THE SHAME!....How do you live with that, and are you worthy enough to deserve someone better....Is this not what we all think about?......And then you meet someone, and you think to yourself, he is too good to bring your problems to!!....and you are afraid you will destroy what could be a great relationship. But, this is the only life we know, so how do we avoid this problem?.......I do want to say something else to the victims of abuse....You do have a choice to make your life what you want it to be....just keep looking for a way to get out of your situation, and take it when you can, before it is too late.....PLEASE, there has been innocent people who are killed because we don't get out in time! . . I know about this because I lost my great niece to a brutal beating. In which she died of the injuries......My niece, "Sherri" met a man and believed she was in love with him. She had two children with this man who she married eventually. But the abuse was there. Sherri met another man, and thought he would treat her better, so she left her abusive husband and moved in with her new love. It wasn't long after, that she learned that he was worse than her husband, and before she knew it, she was getting worse beatings. One night this other man "Rick Howard" beat the crap out of her, and when he knocked her unconscious, he started beating on the baby "Carrie" because she was woke up and crying, and would not stop crying, Carrie was only 22 months old when she was killed.......Sherri coming to about the time that Rick kicked Carrie and Carrie flew across the room and hit the wall and fell to the floor, a few days later she died in the arms of who else but...her mommy.....no escape....no help.....only threats from Rick that if she got help or told any one ......more deaths would follow, including the baby she was pregnant with at the time which was Rick's son. It is a miracle he was born alive, because during the pregnancy, Sherri took alot of beatings, and after Rick killed Carrie, all he did was threaten the life of the unborn baby as well as her and her other child, if she ever told anyone about the murder. To cover up what he done, he took Carrie and buried her behind a garage.....Sherri can't say nothing, or he would kill her and the unborn child as well as her other child....five years went by before any one knew Carrie was dead and buried behind a garage in a cardboard box.