I requested a visit from my Dr.  and discovered that it was my GP's wife's birthday that day and they were out celebrating.  Although I did not want to disrupt their joy - I was in pain and concerned about my partner and children.

That night was the worst I have ever had and would not wish it upon anyone else.  How could I be feeling like this when I did not feel happy through out the pregnancy?  I felt sick, alone and wondering why this was happening to me.  What had I done wrong - was it the drugs I took, the rash my daughter had or was it the dose of worms?  Or was it because I am not a perfect person?  Questions I have never had any real answers too!

I was concerned for my children and husband too.  How were they going to cope?  We had never expected our baby to die?

I could not sleep that night - I called for my husband in the early hours of the next morning - I had been sick and needed some more clothes - and I needed him to be with me so we could cry together.  I have never shed so many tears before.  Peter and I cried together for the death of our son - and even though he was unplanned - it made us both realise just how muchh love we had for him.  The bonding had started the day we were told we were expecting another baby.  If anyone had told me that this would be what I was to experience I would not have believed them.  I felt I could cope with my baby dying as I was not prepared for another child in our family.  How wrong I was!!!!

I was distressed that I had had my tubes cut and tied.  That I would not be able to have another child.  How could I be feeling like this when I was not prepared for my pregnancy with Ben?   I was overwhelmed with many mixed emotions, pain - pain that was excruciating and hard to explain.  So many emotions and feelings all mixed up together going around and around in side my head and my heart. 

Many tears were shed.  Somehow we had to bury our baby but I knew I had to see Ben before this happened.  To tell him I loved him, to hold him and to be together as a family.  Peter wondered whether this was for the best but I said that this was what I wanted to do.

I had no input into Ben's funeral.  Peter and the funeral director arranged it all.  I do remember them coming in to visit me but that was about all.  We had to decide whether to have a Hospital burial or our own.  A Hospital Burial meant we would not be there and he would have been buried alone.  We asked to see our local minister as I wanted to have Ben baptised.  He felt that this was not needed as Ben had already died.  Oh why did he not just do a naming ceremony for me.   All my children have been baptised except one!!!  I later discovered that he himself had experienced a stillbirth - one would think he would have been more understanding!