I did not even need to open the eyes, now brimming to overflowing with the tears of sorrow, to know the sight that was going to behold me when I was able to focus. I would see a loving husband beside me, the luxurious surroundings I was blessed to live in, and then I would see the reflection in the mirror. I would see a face look at me and give me the quizzical look of who are you? I had no answer, for I had asked this question many times myself. This would be the only time of the day that I would have a thought of feeling pass through my mind and I looked forward to the passing of it.
"Oh God" I cried to myself and HIM, "I thought you loved me, I thought you were to answer my prayers, I thought I would not have to face yet another day here on Earth". "Have I not asked you time and time again to not let me wake up in the morning, has this not been a regular prayer, why do I have to be here, why can I not be allowed to just die"? I understand now sometimes we have to accept the fact that God does give the answer of "NO" to us. Who am I to question HIS decision I tell myself now.
Through some long and hard sessions of depression, I have done the whole scale of the crazies song. I have attempted to take my own life, I spent six months trying to figure out a fail proof plan, and with that effort, I now do possess the knowledge needed to end this cycle of insanity myself but I also know that if I do, I shall spend eternity in the torment of Hell.
I understand and know very well, Hell and Heaven are not some myths. They do exist and I will one day be in one or the other, for what will be my eternity. This and only this keeps me from suicide.
How come then am I not kept from the overpowering of depression then? I do not know. I know I have mild days when a bird's beauty can bring me to tears, I have been through, and may again go through, the three to five days of not combing my hair, even look in a mirror, of wearing and sleeping in the same outfit for days on end. This baffles me how this part of me can allow the hygiene thing to go because I am usually a clean clothes, body and hair freako. Those are the edge days for me, for I have no idea what I have done all day, I have no recollection of any feelings good or bad or anything. I am not able to cry for myself, I feel no remorse, I feel no pain, I feel no sadness, I feel no happiness, I feel no fear, I am totally void of any feeling. I am almost aware of a black bubble all around me when I am like this, and there is no way of knowing how long this bubble will stay, but, I do know that just as it seems to come into existence suddenly, it also leaves in the same manner, which takes me to the next level of depression making me doubt all things in my life all over again.
I have sources now to help me along the way; these I have not had in past years. I have been joined by many others I have met over the Chat Channels and for some reason we seem to find each other without exactly looking for the other one. If it was not for the friendship, prayers and guidance of some of these dear, dear folks life would be unbearable at times for sure.
I have one friend happy to set down and talk to me, but also bring me to the realization, that my actions are my responsibility. Everyone needs a friend such as this. One who will be honest, caring, concerned.
I have one other best friend who is like this. His name is Jesus. What? You thought Christians do not have these sort of problems? Think again! By that very means of thinking then, how much is it even worse for one who gives Christian advice to have the depressions. Tell me about it, but maybe that is why it is so easy to tell others about the staying power of the Lord Jesus knowing it first hand, for the days when I have no depression I have the most wonderful time of fellowship with the Lord.
Do I know the depression is of Satan? Do I help him in his goal to bring me down? Do I know scriptures that can defeat the devil in the depression? The answer is the same to all questions. YES!
I know Isaiah 43:3,4 tells me I am precious and that I am loved by the Lord personally.
I know 1 Thessalonians 5:23 tells me that there are three main areas of me that interconnect and when a problem starts in one it can contribute to problems in the others. I can once again be warmed by the sun as I learn how to deal with the depression of all three areas.
I know Psalm 119:67 tells me my depression can warn me something is wrong
I know that 2 Corinthians 12:9 lets me know the grace of the Lord is enough for me "if I let it be".
I know that Isaiah 41:10 tells me I can be caused to rely on Him.
I know 2 Corinthians 1:4 tells me that He will comfort me so that I in turn can comfort others.
I know a lot and yet know nothing at times. I have a long way to go and I know it is by MY will that I choose to get under God's umbrella of protection and rely on Him. From John 14:1 I am instructed wisely.
Hold fast, as I do, to Romans 8:31, for this includes the demon of depression.