Throughout our lives we move from moment to moment, often changing step in time with whatever is moving around us. In those step changing moments we often make a choice we are unaware of, good ones and bad ones, hard ones and easy ones, happy and sad ones.
I remember the moment I chose to divorce my husband....the father of my children ... it came after years of pain and indecision.
Mark and I married not as a romantic conclusion to a beautiful love affair, but as the next step of a relationship. We had lived together for several years and Mark “thought" we should marry. After pursuing that train of thought for those years, I finally relented.
Understand, I loved him deeply, but was afraid of marriage. My own parents were still married but had had a rough marriage. They often fought and rarely seemed happy. I didn't want that and was determined not to have it.
The years crept by, we had 2 children, and a not so wonderful marriage. We fought ... a lot. I had set up the marriage my parents had, he had followed along never knowing why I was angry. He drank to drown his pain and cheated to help his lack of self esteem, which I pounded frequently.
One day, just like any other day, I finally said enough. I packed his bags, I put them in the living room and patiently awaited his return from work. When he came, I calmly explained that he was leaving and no, there was no turning back. I helped him load up his things and told him we'd talk more about how we would split things later, for now I just wanted him to leave. He left, I fell apart.
Funny how we think we have all the answers until the time is there. Funny how whether you are the initiator or the one it's initiated against, when the truth and God is not in it, there is no victory.
I began the process of single parenting. I often had panic attacks, thinking I was dying, my heart pounding in my chest, laying on the bed thinking dying is better than living right now. My husband, the man God had entwined my soul with was gone, with or without my permission there was a soul ripping tear in my life that is not easily changed nor mended. I would never let Mark know how deeply and completely affected I was. When he was around I "acted" happy and satisfied, I hid my pain from my children and my family, knowing that I was the initiator and feeling the brunt of that guilt.
He remarried, I didn't. I was so angry at him I would pray for him to hurt, hopefully physically. As the years went on we would see each other when we exchanged the kids. I came to accept and even live comfortably with my singleness and his marriage. That's when God got a hold of my heart and told me, it's time to forgive.
Through a gut wrenching prayer, where I alternately refused and begged for help, God spoke truth to my soul. No, I hadn't done this right and no Mark hadn't either, but my relationship with a Holy God, my Father was suffering because of my lack of forgiveness for this man I had called husband. God wanted me to know clearly, he hates divorce, but He most surely loves the divorcee.
Through God's power, I was able to forgive Mark his indiscretions, forgiving myself in the process for my own and move toward my Father.
One Christmas as I was contemplating the lack of money and the want of giving, God moved in my heart again, it was time to ask Mark's forgiveness. Since he was married, this would be addressed to him and his mate. This time I didn't falter and fight, this time I knew the totality of forgiveness was held in a heavenly place. So I sat and quietly wrote out the lines that would ask both of them for forgiveness, for my anger, hurtful words and biting remarks. I had been much less than perfect throughout the years and had caused as much pain as I had felt.
The letter was well received by my ex husband, not so well by his wife. I let God deal with those issues. I was free. Years later as their marriage disintegrated too, I had a call from Mark. He wanted to talk. As often happens when things are repeated, he wanted to talk about how he got from here to there, sensing that the truth was somewhere in the past. As we spoke of things past, I came to realize that so much of what I believed originally was a lie. Satan had come to do his bidding and had successfully destroyed, but God had sent Jesus to bind up the brokenhearted, and as I listened to Mark speak of how he saw what happened, I prayed Jesus would bind up his broken heart along with his wife's and my own. I cried for a man I had once loved and the marriage that he was watching slowly move toward divorce, I prayed for their marriage, I prayed that the affair his wife was having would be revealed and left behind, and that God would intervene that each would seek forgiveness from one another and from the Lord.
What I saw through this process I should have always seen. God loves us through the deepest sin, His resilience is amazing, His grace almost overpowering. As I spoke to Mark about how God had taken me through our own divorce, I realized that even though what I had been through had been so very difficult and even though I had sinned and even though he had sinned, God would STILL use that time as a catalyst for truth.
For every person that would read this, I pray that you will first seek truth before ever letting the sting of divorce enter your lives. Pride is a lion that steals your life, your children, your love, your peace. When we allow pride or pain to overshadow truth, we've just lost the battle to the enemy.
If you’re contemplating a divorce ... just wait. Ask God first for the truth, seek His answer, open your heart to His will and desire ... just wait.
Don't make decisions based on emotions, the effects of divorce are devastating to all that it touches. God made us to be faithful in all things, to one another, to our marriage, to our children, but most especially to Him. Just wait.
These are hard words for those of you that are hurting and yet I give the same testimony, just wait. For those of you that were in a situation where you were the one that was let go, I pray that you will just wait. Pray for truth and light, follow where the Father leads, but don't become angry above God's will and allow yourselves to be drawn into sin.
As I write this testimony, I realize that because of confusion and the lies I allowed, I am now separated from the man that I should have been married to, my children have spent almost their entire lives without their father, another child now stands ready to be another casualty of divorce, Mark's heart is broken and he's fearful, his wife is acting (just as I did) based on emotion and self satisfaction, and another soul rending event is in the offing. When God says divorce is not acceptable, He's trying to protect His children.
God bless you each one and remember, we serve a Holy God, that loves us beyond our sin, beyond our mistakes, beyond our indecision and beyond our pain. Seek Him first and remember forgiveness opens the doors to His refreshing light and scent!
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Author's Postscript:
I pray Lord Jesus that this message reveals the lie of divorce to even one, that the words you have given me will intercede in someone's marriage and that they will be victorious through Your power and spirit to overcome, forgive, walk according to Your will. Lord I know how much you love each one of these. I just pray Lord, that whether they have already walked this path and are seeking solace, or if they are now walking this path and seeking answers, that You would reveal Your truth to them. I love you Lord and I thank You for the grace You have showered over us!!