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Baseball
This is from Laughs-A-Lot of which
I hope you do.
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical." - Yogi Berra
~~~ He'll catch on... ~~~
A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team.
During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.
The team members stood there, dumfounded! Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball." - As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
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Hockey
Here is one from John Brooker.
Thanks John.
Why won't the NHL give Red Deer a professional hockey team? Because Calgary would want one too.
Where do liars go? Ottawa
I don't know where Red Deer is, guess I'll have to look it up - ET
~~~ Bringing In The Ringer! ~~~
The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, "Cardinal Nicklaus" reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the results of the match. "I came in second, your holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??"
"No," Nicklaus said, "second to Rabbi Palmer."
- As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
"Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings." - George Will
(Considering the vantage point of the Super Bowl in yesterday's post, it seems fair to give "the other side's" perspective...)
~~~ Can't Argue With Logic! ~~~
An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boilerman and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling.
"You like this?", Satan asked. "Yes, sir", said the sailor, "this feels like a spring day to me." Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn`t even broken a sweat. "I like this kind of weather", he told Satan. For the next few days in a row, Satan again turned up the heat, but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever.
By last Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off. Icicles formed in the sailor`s room! When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever. Satan was exasperated! "Why are YOU so happy?" he demanded from the sailor. "It`s FREEZING in here!"
"Well, I`m from Denver," said the sailor. "and evidently the Broncos just won the Super Bowl!" - As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
Thanks to Jim Cox of El Paso for el-passing on today's joke! If forwarding to friends or other lists, retain subscription info! (below)SEE ABOVE
I like John Elway
For those of you with "dot-mars" in your domain, Denver had a suprise victory over Green Bay in yesterday's Super Bowl. Quaterback John Elway has taken alot of flack for loosing big games the past few years, as demonstrated in these jokes, (which will now have to be put to sleep):
Why can't John Elway use the phone anymore? Because he can't find the receiver.
John Elway couldn't get into his house Sunday night. It seems someone had painted a goal line in front of his door!
Definition of an optimist: A Denver Bronco fan waiting at Denver Int. Airport for the Broncos to return from winning the Super Bowl.
Now that his name is avenged, what does the future hold for him...
~~~ Now we know why they won! ~~~
After a long life, Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre finds himself at the pearly gates. The Lord welcomes him to heaven and shows him to his dwelling place. It's a small home, nicely landscaped, with a couple faded Green Bay flags mounted beside the front door.
"We looked around and were lucky to find those still," said the Lord. Favre gave an appreciative grin back. As he continued to looked around, his gaze followed up a hill to the beautiful mansion at the top. Around the ornate edifice was a circle of bright blue and orange Denver Bronco flags.
"Lord, I don't want to sound unappreciative, but I'd like to know; Why does John Elway get such a big place? I know he beat me back in the '98 Super Bowl, but I thought you guys didn't work that way up here."
The Lord turns to look in the direction
of Brett's gaze. "Oh, that's not John's place. That's mine."
- By laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
I really recommend you get this - ET
Skydiving
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport."
Real Life Story:
In September 1994, Skydiving student Sharon McClelland amazingly survived a 10,000-foot plunge in Ontario, by falling into a marsh when her parachute malfunctioned. She struggled to her feet and rushed to her instructor Kevin Killin -- to apologize -- because she had not followed procedures to open her backup chute.
~~~ Which way?!? ~~~
A man is doing his first skydive. He jumps from the plane, freefalls for a bit, then pulls his main rip-cord... nothing happens. After a short panic, he pulls his reserve rip-cord... again, nothing happens! As he's zooming toward the ground, another man comes shooting past him TOWARDS THE SKY! The jumper hollers, "Hey! Do you know anything about rip-cords???"
The other man returns, "NOooooo! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
- As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org
I like purple, don't you?
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