MY FIBROMYALGIA JOURNAL

This journal has been over a year in the making. When I first had the idea I thought it would be an easy thing to do. But, I guess not. It brings back painful memories, and I do mean painful. So I won't waste any more time on the introduction, I'll just get on with it.

Where to begin.... I don't know when the beginning was so I'll just start somewhere in the past, many years ago.

I was always a healthy, active, and fun and life loving person. I had so many interests I couldn't begin to get into all of the things I wanted to. Some would call me a jack of all and master of none.

When I was growing up I suffered from the most horrible "growing pains". I would cry myself to sleep most nights. My mother always said that it was because I sat on the cold ground, or I went out withour my shoes on, heaven forbid! Or I didn't wear socks under my sneakers. She even said it was because I threw my blanket off in my sleep. but, what ever the cause I was in a lot of pain, especially if I had been very active during the day.

As a child and young adult my first love was horses. I loved them so much, and obsessed about them so much that one day my parents bought me my first horse. I was 11 and he 1. It was love at first sight. From the first day we met we were an inseperable pair. Many nights after having spent the day riding and walking the 2 1/2 miles home I was in agony. I had learned early on that to complain about my pain was useless, so I seldom complained.

Time passed. I got married, had two wonderful babies. Nothing seemed to be wrong. I was healthy and strong. It was not unheard of for me to move living room furniture to the basement all by myself. Even when I was 8 months pregnant.

I did suffer some excruciating head aches sometimes, but I never let then get me down.

I divorced soon after my son was born so raised my first two children alone for almost three years. I had two full-time jobs to support them. I woke at 6 AM. got the kids ready and was at my first job by 9. Then, I got home at 6 PM and fed the kids, bathed them, played with them and read to them, put them to bed, all while curling my hair, putting on make-up and trying to rest up a bit. It certainly wasn't an easy job, but I did it an at that young an age didn't seem to be that much of a hardship.

In the evenings I worked as a hostess in an up-scale nightclub, so I had to look my best, fresh and alert and pretty. I went home from this job at around 1 AM. It was a lucky break for me that I had a good baby sitter that came to my house. She was a university student and used this time to do homework and study and when I got home she left. She din't have to do too much because I had put the kids to bed most nights by the time she got home.

When I got home I would have to have a shower, curl my hair again and try to wind down and sleep. Not always and easy thing to do.

Up again at 6 and the routine would start again. Six days a week. I was young and needed a social life, too. So, I dated some on weekends. They were usually late nights. I seemed to be managing alright... until one night after a date I had invited the fellow over for a coffee. After I invited him to sit down I went to check on the kids. My son was fast asleep in his crib. He was so sweet when he slept. Then I checked on my daughter. I covered her up and she opened her eyes. I lay down beside her for what I thought would be a couple of minutes till she fell asleep again. Well, I woke up in the morning. Of course my date was gone. I never did hear from him again. I was starting to wear down.

One night I actually fell asleep at work while standing. Naturally I fell down but didn't wake up, they thought I had fainted. The ambulance was called but I was only sleeping. I quit my job after that.

After being alone for almost three years I married a man that I thought would take care of me. It was the wrong reason, I know that now, but I had convinced myself that I was in love.

This man was the farthest thing from my prince charming. He didn't support me, he brought me down. I won't go into details here. It'll have to wait to be included in the novel I'll write someday.

Anyway, as the years went by I became more and more prone to being tired when I shouldn't be. The headaches got worse. I hurt my knees, then hurt them again. I had two horses that I loved to ride but found that my enthusiasm just wasn't all there anymore. I would feel tired just thinking about riding sometimes. Other days I was fine. I was also having trouble sleeping. I couldn't get to sleep at night and would wake up at the oddest hours but in the morning I felt I could sleep forever.

I thought I was getting lazy.

My family has alwasy been a family of very hard workers and it was nothing for them to work 16 hours a day and get up in the moring and continue, so I wasn't going to admit to anyone just how tired I was feeling most days. Nor would I admit my aches and pains. No one ever got sick in our family! It was at about this time that I started to have bowel problems. I remember one time my dad wanted me to go over and I couldn't because I was having a bout with my bowels. This went on all day till finally my dad siad, "I've never had diarhea last all day!!!". In other words, I was fibbing.

I didn't even admit to myself that I wasn't well. Every time I went to my doctor he would ask how I was and I always said, "I'm great!" Don't ask me why, maybe it was that I just couldn't admit not being perfect like my family.

Years went by, my marriage broke up for a year, we got back together (biggest mistake), and life went on. I was working but I was getting so tired all the time and having so much trouble sleeping at night. I didn't even realize that I wasn't getting any 'good' sleep at all. No dreams even.

Then the next thing that began were the pains in my left shoulder blade. The pain was a constant ache, not really a pain. It was about the size of a silver dollar and felt that if some one would just press REAL hard on that spot the pain would go away. It didn't. It also felt like something that may go away with the shrug of a shoulder. Not so. I spent most of my days with this pain aggravating my every waking hour.

It was at about this same time that I was having great pain during and after sleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night it felt as if my rib cage was crushed in the back or on the side. If I stayed in bed till morning I could hardly make it out of bed, the pain would be so great. I either needed my husband to pull me up or I would literaslly crawl from the bed. The pain would get better after about an hour or two. Then the other, silver dollar size pain would begin.

I went to the doctor several times about this but he had no idea what was wrong. I loved this doctor so it never occured to me to go somewhere else for a second opinion. He explained my pain as being a wrong connection of the nerves and that they were sending wrong messages to the pain center of the brain. He noticed from ex-rays that my spine seemed to have a bit of arthritis. He figured that the pain was being generated from there. He told me that if it didn't get better soon, he would cut the nerve so I wouldn't feel the pain. OUCH!!!!

I promise to add to this real soon... please be patient.