Chapter One

I was in a marriage gone sour… no… a rotten marriage from the start, only I didn’t want to admit it. For over four years we had not shared the same bedroom. 22 years of trying to make a good marriage. 22 years of hoping I would learn to live without love, affection, sharing. Not until I was out of the marriage did I realize it was an abusive relationship. Slowly over the years my self esteem and my very soul were being eroded.

*** My marriage started out well enough but as the years rolled by it started to deteriorate. I stuck it out always thinking that things would get better. It never did. She had her career in nursing and I had mine in the RCAF then later in Corrections. In 34 years of marriage she never said to my face " I love you ". To her, saying it in a card was enough. I guess in her own way she cared but I wanted to hear it, and never did.***

I had been suffering from Fibromyalgia for a few years and it had gotten to the point where I wasn’t able to work full-time any longer. All I did was sit around the house. I couldn’t even participate and enjoy square dancing like I had. My two oldest children had left home to discover worlds beyond mine. My youngest was still at home but busy with her boyfriend and friends. I was alone most of the day and evening. And very lonely.

***The last ten years were bad. I had been diagnosed with diabetes and hypothyroidism as well as having chronic bronchitis. She did her thing with her garden and hospital pals and I stayed at home. I had my computer to keep me company.***

Till I discovered the Internet through CompuServe. It was quite by accident that I stumbled across the chat rooms. I suppose I got "hooked" immediately, as I’ve heard others did as well. I "met" many people that were just as lonely as I was. No one said so but I knew just the same. It seemed so wonderful to be whole and well and happy in a world that didn’t see your face, didn’t see your pain, your loneliness.

***Like Suz I discovered CHAT on Compuserve and started spending more and more time on the computer. Like her I met a lot of wonderful people. Some lonely, some just wanting a pen pal and others looking for something more. It was a venue in which you could let your hair down (hmmm….what do you let down when you are follicly challenged as I was ( am ).***

I met several very nice people and made friends I thought were REAL. I even met some in person. Boy, what a rude awakening I got when I met them. None were what they claimed on-line. I suppose I wasn’t either, but I did try to be.

One day, after a particularly bad day, I got a message from someone calling himself "GROUCH". He was from Edmonton, three hours north of my own City of Calgary. He had noticed where I was from and was happy to find someone so close. We began chatting off and on as the days and weeks went by. Never for one minute did I think we would ever be more than just friends. For one thing he was much older than I, for another, he was married. Not happily so, but married none the less, and to his own admission he had no plans of ever leaving his wife.

*** Then one day a few weeks before Christmas while looking through the names on chat I saw one from Calgary. She called herself "DITZYBLONDE". We chatted off and on. Exchanged pics over the net and spoke of things in general. Like her I did not think anything would become of our "on-line" friendship. For one thing she was quite a few years younger than I. Mentally I could not see anything coming of our friendship but she was fun to talk to and always had a few sharp quips, retorts and jokes to liven our chats up. We even played a "3 questions game" and got to know each other a little better. Some of the questions were sublime and some had double meanings and some a little personal but knowing you would not meet you were apt to answer a little more honestly than you might otherwise. It was fun.***

After knowing GROUCH for about a month we planned to meet. A friend was here in town visiting me and we were going to Edmonton to see the West Ed Mall. GROUCH, Fred, was going to meet us at the skating rink at 4 PM. So, my friend and I went and at 4PM we looked for Fred. I had seen a picture of him so I thought I knew what to look for. He too had seen a picture or two of me.

***Finally we agreed to meet. Suz was coming to Edmonton with a friend to see West Edmonton Mall. I was looking forward to our meeting with apprehension and trepidation. I did not know what to expect.***

Well, after looking off and on for two hours Sharon and I gave up the search. It was such a big place with so many people around, all on two levels.

***I got to WEM early …..I like to be punctual, in fact am usually early…even for Dr’s appointments. Must be my Military background. Anyway I got to the arena and started my watch for Suz. I was looking for a blonde wearing red. I never did see her although we must have passed each other. There are two levels at the arena and when she was up I was down and vice versa. Many minutes were spent just leaning over the railing scanning the crowd for a lady in red. Little did I know that she was wearing black. At about 6:15 I gave up and returned home. I was thinking that maybe she had indeed spotted me , a 260 pound bald-headed guy wearing sweats and an olive green bush jacket, and thought to herself, uh-uh, not for me and took off.***

The next day Fred came on-line and was very angry. He thought I had taken one look at him and didn’t want to meet him. Naturally I told him what happened and what he looked like had nothing to do with how I felt about our friendship.

*** I was disappointed to say the least, felt let down and was a little miffed. We met on-line the next day. I was still a little angry and let her know it. When she had explained what had happened I felt better but still disappointed that we had not met. Maybe it was for the better ….. and as it turned out … was.***

For the next two or so months we chatted off and on. He heard about my life, my family, my loneliness, my friends and other relationships. I listened to and heard his story of his loneliness. We were becoming closer friends than I thought was possible.

***We continued our on-line friendship and got to know one another better. In retrospect I could feel her loneliness, we had a common thread. "Loneliness", she was as lonely as I was. ***

Meanwhile, my marriage was deteriorating, if that were possible. My husband had taken up with my aerobics instructor and they were gone most of the time dancing and heaven knows what. I really didn’t care, nor did he about me. I came and went as I pleased. No questions asked. He did the same. My family was getting upset with me for being on-line so much. What they didn’t realize was that I was very lonely and needed this anonymous world just to make it through the day. They didn’t have time for me. No one came to see me. Not one of them even offered to come and help me out with my chores. Not one of them seemed to have time for me. I was feeling so sorry for myself. My life was worth nothing.

***My relationship with my wife was not improving. I was spending more and more time on the net, running up a bill on chat but still thinking things would improve. Arguments over money became more frequent and to hear my wife tell it I was not providing for anything and it was she who was paying all the bills. Yet it was I who was paying the mortgage. For some reason she could not see or feel how lonely I was. Friends that I had in the Military had long since been transferred out of the area and I really never had anyone to talk to. People whom I had met in Corrections had never really became friends, except Kent. We had much in common and he felt like a brother to me. One of the saddest days in my life came when he passed away after a long battle with cancer. I had a brother in the city but he had become a Jehovah Witness and to them, anyone not of their sect/cult was a non person.***

One other thing that was painful for me was that no one seemed to understand the nature of my illness. Although I was in pain and totally exhausted most of the time I looked perfectly normal and healthy. Fibromyalgia is a relatively new illness and most people still believe it’s all in the head. A lot of my problems would have been alleviated had my family understood just how sick I was.

My two oldest children lived far away, the only contact was letters and the telephone. My youngest, although she didn’t like me being on-line, was far too busy to spend time with me. I’m not blaming her, she had a life to live, too.

Anyway…. On one particularly bad day I saw GROUCH in chat and sent him a message to meet half way for coffee. We had talked about doing so for some time but had not attempted a meeting since the Mall episode. I was rather surprised when Fred said he would meet me half way. We planned to meet at 11AM. It was about 8 at the time. I was going to hurry and get in my car and leave, when something came up so I was about an hour or so late leaving. Meanwhile, Fred was at the appointed restaurant thinking that I had stood him up once again. He waited for an hour then left, disappointed again.

*** I was surprised when Suz suggested that we meet for a coffee, and rather than I drive all the way to Calgary or she to Edmonton we decided to meet at Red Deer. Well, as usual I was early, arriving in Red Deer at about 10:30 AM for our 11:00 AM meeting. So I got a coffee in the café and went back to the van. Suz said she would be driving a blue/green car. So I parked the van so I could see down the road. I waited and waited AND WAITED. No blue/green car and no Suz. Well here we go again I thought. She sets up a meeting and I get stood up. I was ticked. In a huff I departed Red Deer and headed back to Sherwood Park.***

When I finally got to the town of our meeting, there was no one there. I felt so bad, and so disappointed that I couldn’t meet my dear friend. I was rather excited on the one and a half hour drive but felt all along that Fred wouldn’t be there. How could I have let him down again.

I drove home with a heavy heart. I was alone once again, and the empty house was all I had waiting for me.




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