CHAPTER ONE, CONTINUED

I drove home with a heavy heart. I was alone once again, and the empty house was all I had waiting for me.

When I got back home I did what I always did…. Got on-line. There was GROUCH!!! He was very upset with me but seemed to understand when I related what had happened. All I could think of was that I wanted to meet this lovely man, this friend who had listened to my life story, to my misadventures. So, I suggested we head off for Red Deer one more time. GROUCH agreed and I was elated. This time I told him to wait till hell freezes over for me. Neither one of us had cell phones so once we left home we couldn’t communicate.

*** When I got back to Sherwood Park I went "on-line" to see if Suz was there. I was really going to give her a blast. I did not like being toyed with. Especially when I was also feeling down and was looking forward to our meeting. She was on-line. She told me what had happened. Something had come up that had delayed her. Suz suggested that we try it one more time. I don’t know why, but I agreed***

Later that afternoon we both left for our rendezvous.

I was, naturally, a few minutes late. I drove into the parking lot and looked around for the vehicle Fred was driving but didn’t see it. I think the first thing that crossed my mind was that this time Fred was standing ME up. I was preparing to get out of my car, getting my purse together, like women tend to do, then I looked up and there was GROUCH smiling down at me. He opened my door, I got out and extended my hand for a shake. ( My first impression was that here is a man as old as my father. Sorry Fred, but that’s what I thought.)

***I was to learn later that for some reason Suz is never on time… always running a few minutes late. Even this time she was late. Oh well. Then I saw her car coming down the road. She pulled into the Service Station . As she was parking I walked over to her car. She saw me as I reached to open her door. (something I like to do for her even now … well maybe not so much on exiting as getting in.) God she looked good. Golden blonde hair, brown eyes and a smile to die for. She was a little plumper than the picture I had seen of her but I did not care, and in fact I have always been partial to blonde, brown eyed and slightly plump women. (although the woman I had married had none of those physical characteristics. I knew how old Suz was. She was 46 and I was 62 …. Not exactly middle age. Right then, the moment I saw her, I did not care, I felt like a teenager on his first date***

We went into the restaurant, ordered coffee and talked. We talked for hours! Coffee after coffee, bathroom visit after bathroom visit. I remember looking up at Fred, he looked so nervous. He was doodling on his napkin and folding it in different shapes, unfolding it, then folding it again. At one point I recall him reaching over the table and taking my hand in his. I can't remember why, but it was such a nice gesture.

It was getting very late and we thought of going home, but decided to take another cup of coffee to Fred’s van and talk a bit more in comfort and then head home.

*** We closed up the café. I think they ran out of coffee, or water for flushing the biffies. I must have folded and unfolded my napkin a dozen times. I reached out for her hand across the table and held gently onto it afraid to let go for fear she would vanish in a puff of smoke. We got one more cup each and went out to my van.***

So, we sat in his van, in the parking lot, and talked, and talked and talked. We had learned so much about each other in chat and yet there seemed to be so much more to discuss. The conversation was so easy. I felt we had known each other forever. Fred was such a nice man. And a perfect gentleman.

***She was so easy to talk to and I could not keep my eyes from her face. The way her eyes sparkled, the way she smiled, the way her blonde hair swept around her face and down her shoulders. I can’t remember what color blouse she was wearing but the top button was undone. I had a very hard time trying to keep my eyes from straying to the cleavage of her breasts, which were ample. I’m sure if she had known what I was thinking she would have left. It was with much difficulty I kept my hands from her.***

By now it was around 3AM and time for us to go home. I knew my absence wouldn’t be noticed, but Fred’s would be, so we had to part. In the end, I knew I had made a friend for life. I felt a great deal of affection for this wonderful man. I actually felt some jealousy for his wife. How could she not appreciate him? I was hoping that this late night absence would wake the woman up, make her feel threatened, and realize what a gem she was loosing.

Now it was time to say goodnight, perhaps goodbye. Neither one of us knew if we’d ever meet again. Neither one of us had much money, so this kind of meeting would be very difficult in the future. Fred helped me out of his van and into my car. I gave him a small hug and away I drove. It was a very lonely drive home and I cried most of the way there.

*** It was much later than 3AM, in fact was closer to 6AM. When we parted I knew that I had to see this woman again. I was drawn to her like I have not been drawn to any other woman before or since. I recall that on the way back to Sherwood Park I had to stop for a nature call. I pulled over to the side of the highway and was doing my thing when I happened to look up at the north eastern skies. It was dawning, and high in the sky I could see the comet. It was beautiful. Was it my good luck omen?***

No one was waiting for me. No one even noticed I was away. It was a very lonely feeling. The one friend I had found was so far away and the only way we could communicate was through the computer. Life wasn’t fair! Somehow, all my real-life friends had disappeared into their own little worlds. No one seemed to understand how I was feeling, so I had stopped telling them.

The morning after our meeting Fred sent me an email. In it he told me how he enjoyed our meeting and frankly had trouble keeping his hands off me. He told me he cared for me a lot. I was rather taken aback by that, I hadn’t expected it I guess. My emotions were in a turmoil and I didn’t know how to react. I can’t remember but I don’t think I responded to the email.

After a few days of chatting a bit each day, we decided to meet again. I don’t know what Fred’s intentions were, but mine were to meet a friend and enjoy his company, although, I must admit his email was very vivid in my mind. What was this meeting going to reveal? How was I going to handle his advances? If there were any.

*** She never answered my e-mail. I guess maybe I had too much out-pouring and it may have been too much for her. We did agree to meet again though. Same place. I had no idea what my intentions were but I knew I had to see Suz again. It was nice to have a friend to talk to. We now knew quite a bit of each others lives, good and bad.***

I think I was late for this meeting again. I am usually a very punctual person, even though I tend to leave getting ready to the last minute. I hate being fashionably late.

*** Late again. Was it always to be like this? Wondering if she was going to show up. You know, even when we were meeting on-line she was always 10 to 15 minutes late***

Fred was waiting in the appointed parking lot and I was so glad to see him. We hugged a big hug and went to drain the place of their coffee. Once again after hours of talking and visiting the washrooms we went to his van. Another few hours later and a lot of talking behind us I was starting to feel an affection for Fred I hadn’t felt for anyone in a long, long time. It felt nice and yet scary. He was married, and so was I. We talked about how the two of us really had no future together. His life was set after 33 years of marriage. He was retired and had only a small income. I was unable to work full-time and had no money at all. My husband had made sure of that! We parted again, only this time I had a heavy heart.

Then again, a few days later we decided we couldn’t stay away from each other. So… off again to Red Deer. In the next month or so we met several times, each parting worse than the time before. I was falling in love with this bear of a man, so gentle , so kind, so loving. When we weren’t seeing each other in person we were chatting on-line. Fred made a few trips to Calgary during that time. We spent the nights in his van. I hated to see him leave the next morning.

*** A lot of talking, a lot of coffee then into the van to continue our talking. I think I knew after our second meeting that I wanted this woman. Not in THAT sense of the word but in the sense that I wanted her at my side always. I was feeling young and alive, all because of this woman, and it was a good feeling.***

Meanwhile, on the home-front things looked bleak. My family was getting very annoyed with me being online so much. My husband was colder and colder towards me. I dutifully took care of the house, cooked meals and ironed shirt after shirt. He was seldom home, came home, ate, changed clothes and went out till very late. On the weekends he would disappear to heaven knows where.

I was ready to move out. I knew I couldn’t ask my husband to leave because there was no way I could afford the house payments or anything else for that matter. BUT… I also wasn’t able to get a place of my own for the same reasons. I had no access to bank accounts, stocks, bonds, etc. I found out later that my husband had disposed of all assets ( he was a financial whiz) in preparation for our separation.

As much as I wanted to be with Fred all the time I knew it couldn’t happen. Not only could I not burden him with my life problems, I couldn’t be a financial burden to him either. How could I ask him to leave his home, his security, his wife. Although she hadn’t been what Fred needed in a wife, she was his wife and I’m sure loved him in her own way.

My life wasn’t worth living. I had nothing and no one. I was in the deepest despair ever. There was nothing left for me in this world.

It’s amazing how, when you are in a deep depression and you decide to end your life, that there’s a peace in your heart and soul. Perhaps it’s because you’re letting go of your problems, you see an end to your pain. So, I planned my exit from this world. I took all my personal belongings, labeled each with the name of the person I wanted to have them. I took all my jewelry, put them into envelopes, labeled them, too. I left no jewelry on my person, had things packed in boxes in my closet. I cleaned the house, top to bottom. All my laundry was done. I even cooked a few meals and left them in the freezer. I didn’t want my daughter to go without the meals she needed to see her through the hard times.

I wrote a note to all my family members. I wanted to make sure none of them felt responsible for what I was about to do. I cried till I didn’t have tears left. Then I cried some more.

I had met a female friend on-line a while before I had met Fred. She was like a sister to me and I had even gone to Seattle a few times to visit her. She had no idea how depressed I was. I had told her so much of my life but had left out all the really bad stuff. No one knew the really bad stuff.

Anyway, I decided to send her an email and give myself a way to say goodbye to all my other on-line friends. I wrote what I thought she would only use after I was gone. I wrote her that I thought she should have my password into CompuServe "just in case" something should happen to me. In my files I left notes to all my friends to say goodbye, not saying why. I also left one for Lynn, that she would only access if she couldn’t get in touch with me anymore or if she got wind of what I had done. I didn’t think she would go into my files till the deed was done. I sent off this email just after I had made plans to meet Fred half way again, to say my good-byes without him really knowing I was going to do that.

I drove to Edmonton, where I met Fred and we drove out to Sherwood Park, with a heavy heart and yet somehow relieved that this was going to be the last tearful farewell. I had packed a bottle of fine wine, two of my Waterford Crystal glasses, and some candles. I also packed my favourite books, my little blanket that I slept with and some poetry.

Fred and I parked in a secluded area by a small lake. We talked, drank wine, and made love in the glow of the candles. I gave him my books and told him to keep my blanket that he so loved because he said it smelled like me. I didn’t think he knew what my intentions were, but he told me later he had a bad feeling, but thought it was just a thought that I was saying goodbye to never see him again.

We parted in tears, the both of us for different reasons. I got home around 11AM. I had planned to do the nasty deed at 12 Noon. No sooner had I gotten home that the phone rang. It was Lynn from Seattle. She had read between the lines of my email and had gone into my account and had found the notes in my files. She was so afraid when she phoned repeatedly and didn’t find me.