Chapter Two
*** When we parted that morning she was in tears and I so was I. It broke my heart to see her tears. Something was wrong and I could not put my finger on it. The wine, the glasses, the candles, the books all capped off by her giving me her blanket which so much smelled of her. I had a sinking feeling that I would not see her again. The furthest thought from my mind was that she was going to do herself in. Had I known at that time there was no way I would have left her side.***
When Lynn finally got a hold of me she was in tears. We cried together. She asked me if I really wanted to do this. I told her I was very sure this is what I had to do, that there was no other way out. All she said was, "Suz, all I want is to be able to talk to you. I have to know why. If you still want to end your life after we talk I will not stop you, as a matter of fact, I will help you." The darling friend immediately gave me her credit card number so I could order plane tickets to go to Seattle.
I showered, packed a few things, wrote a note to my family that I was going away for a few days, and was on the plane in three hours. Apparently Lynn had gotten in touch with Fred with her concerns and she told him all that was about to transpire. Fred was very concerned, naturally. He immediately started making plans to follow me to Seattle by car.
*** *** Lynn contacted me on-line and wanted to know if I had seen Suz. I said I had only a few hours before. She told me what Suz had planned to do and I almost went ballistic. She said that she had made contact with Suz and that Suz was going to fly to Seattle to be with her. At least I thought she had not done herself in and that maybe I would see her again. My only thoughts at this time were that if she did do herself in that I had nothing left to live for and would do the same. And if we met again in Seattle and she was still of the mind to DO IT, that we would do it together. Once I had mentally made that decision I became calm once more and began to plan my trip to Seattle to see Suz. This at Lynn’s request.***
Lynn and I discussed at great length my problems, and yet, amazingly I wasn’t able to tell her everything. I can’t explain why not, perhaps because I didn’t think she would understand. For the most part both Lynn and I stayed away from the hard, deep issues at hand. Lynn was the sweetest friend. She knew I didn’t have a penny to my name, so she not only paid for my trip there, she gave me spending money and told me to buy what I needed and wanted and she would give me more if I needed it. I never did spend any of it.
A few days after my arrival in Seattle Fred came. He had used the last of his money and drove straight through the night to get there. I didn’t know how much I had missed him till I saw him at the door. For some reason Lynn didn’t like Fred much. Maybe it was that he was so much older than me, maybe it was because she saw that Fred meant the world to me and she was afraid of losing me to him. I really don’t know. I’ve even thought that maybe it was because she was stuck in a make believe world on-line and I had graduated to the REAL world. I will never know. I didn’t know till Fred was there that Lynn had actually invited him to come because she thought maybe he could take the notion of suicide out of my head.
Fred stayed for a couple of days, then the time for him to leave had come. At the end of the day, we still had no plans for the future. He had his life and I had mine. Whether the twain should meet again, we did not know. I will always remember the feelings of hopelessness and sadness as I saw Fred off at the door that day he left. In those few days we shared love and laughter, walked on the beach, cried, and cried some more. As far as I knew we would never see each other again. And if we did the parting would be just as painful. Fred urged me to go home and set my life straight. In my heart of hearts I knew I would go home, but that I would still carry out my plans.
*** *** I had no feelings of animosity from Lynn. She was nothing but friendly and cordial. Maybe I could not see it through the feelings I had for Suz. I knew then as I had known for some time, that I loved Suzanna and wanted to be with her always. What a wonderful few days we had together but then it came time for me to leave. I had enough money to get me back home. As I got into the elevator to leave I looked up and saw Suz standing in the apartment door, tears in her eyes. God how I wanted to stay with her but knew that at that moment I could not. I thought that I had at least curtailed or stopped her thoughts of committing suicide. It was a LONG, LONELY ride home, my thoughts continually on Suz and what she had come to mean to me. When I got back to Sherwood Park I again went on-line. Much to my surprise Lynn and Suz where on-line. So once again Suz and I were connected. We talked many times and through it all I was planning another trip to Seattle. This time Suz would be returning with me.***
In the days that followed Fred and I talked on Lynn’s computer several times a day. I was hopelessly in love with the man and he with me. We couldn’t get enough of each other on-line. Then…. Fred drove all night again to Seattle. He was going to come and I was going to go back home with him. I think by this time Lynn had had enough of me. She was used to living alone and although she loved me, she wanted me to leave.
I said sad good-byes to my friend, knowing that I would never see her again. I was going home and ending my pain. All she could say was, "Don’t say goodbye, it’s too final. Life will go on."
Fred and I took two days to make the drive home. On the first night we camped in the van in a campground. I enjoyed his company and our adventure as if it were never to end. I put all my problems in the filing cabinet at the back of my mind. This moment, then this hour then this day. That’s all that mattered.
*** ***Actually it took four days to get back to Alberta. We made a side trip to Victoria to see Suz’s son Dave and his soon to be wife Natasha and their daughter Meesha Star. Suz’s first grandchild. What a darling she is with those big blue eyes and an infectious smile. To say at this time that I was running a bit short on cash would be an under statement. I had to tell Suz that we might JUST make it back to Alberta. Well this woman whom I had come to love went out and pawned some jewelry. Returning she handed me the money and said " here, now we can make it back". ***
Well, we did make it back home, Fred dropped me off at my house and we said our good-byes again. I really didn’t think we would see each other again. I had disappointed a lot of people and had to make amends to them. Of course everyone was angry with me. For some reason the thought of ending my life never really entered my head just then, it was always something I kept there ‘just in case’.
One day Fred asked me if I wanted to accompany him to the east to Winnipeg, then he would go further to meet some friends he had met on-line to do some fishing. It was a husband and wife from north eastern USA. I said I would go with him and while he was fishing for ten days I would spend that time with relatives.
The trip was to take place near the end of June. It was now the end of May. Fred also suggested he and I go on a week-long fishing trip of our own. So off we went to a lake about 4 hours drive away. He brought down his travel trailer and off we went. It was a wonderful time. I didn’t have a care in the world. We fished, relaxed, talked, played cards, walked, make love, talked about our future. Yes, by now we were talking about Fred leaving his wife in the near future. How and when were still in question though.
*** *** What a most wonderful time it was. Except for one brutal thunder & lightning storm which scared the dickens out of us both, the weather remained nice. Every night we bathed each other. Every night I spent in her arms. It felt so good, so natural. I had no guilty feelings about what we were doing. We were meant for each other. At about this time I was hearing a song by Bryan Adams called "I’ll Always Be Right There". It came to be one of our songs. The words were so right for us, had so much meaning for us that it could have been written with us in mind.***
After our week fishing we said our good-byes again, just as tearful as before. Another week went by and Fred came to Calgary to see me. We had been chatting on-line again and for some reason Fred decided to tell me something he had been hiding. He had been having an on-line relationship with another woman. This woman was the wife of the man he was to go fishing with at the end of June. I had had my suspicions all along and yet it hit me like a ton of bricks. He told her he was in love with me and yet she didn’t want to let him go, and still wanted to go on this trip fishing with him. I think she had plans for her and Fred.
I was devastated! We went out in his van and I asked question after question. The most intimate details weren’t enough for me. I wanted to know more, wanted to understand why he would do this to me, why to this woman. He had met her and her husband that March, just before he and I had met in person the first time, when they flew to Edmonton.
It took me months and months to come to grips with the whole thing, and even to this day I’m not sure I understand why it all happened, but I am at peace now at last.
*** *** One of the hardest things I had to do was to confess to Suz that I had met a couple from the NE States on-line and that they had flown to Edmonton to see me. She arrived first and her husband a day later. The inevitable happened. AND enough said about that.***
One day, after having chatted daily, several times a day, Fred told me he was leaving his wife. She had found out about our "affair" a long time before this, but now she had written letters to all his family and had phoned my husband asking him to stop me from stealing her husband. Her main purpose was to keep his pension checks coming in and having Fred around the house. I think she loved him but never knew how to show it. I felt so sorry for her and yet I couldn’t stop myself. It had gone far beyond that. My husband had been the same way. He loved me once but never knew how to show it. I knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end of that kind of love. It was not good.
*** ***It was during our rendezvous at a Highway Campsite, about 40 miles south of Edmonton, that I found out about the letter that my wife had written. She had photo copied it and sent the original to Suz’s husband and copies to her relatives and to mine. I was so mad that even now I cannot remember what she wrote. Never once in it though did she mention love, that much I do remember. She had even gone so far as to call Suz’s husband. From what I hear they had quite a chat.***
My husband in turn called and told all my family members of the phone call from Fred’s wife and passed on the letter she sent him, the same letter she had sent all his family members. In that letter she mainly talked about finances, not one word about her love for Fred, or that she missed him. My husband talked to me about the letter, the phone call and our relationship. He didn’t talk about his affair, naturally, it was just me. To this day no one knows about his girlfriend, not even his own children. I keep in touch with old dance friends and they tell me that the two of them are going strong to this day.
Fred and I decided that we would get together at the end of June. Things had finally come to a head and we both new we were destined to be together. Fred told me he didn’t care that I didn’t have but what was on my back. He wanted ME, not what I could give him. We knew that things would be tough, but we didn’t care. Like two star-crossed lovers, we made our plans.
*** *** With the writing of that letter whatever feelings I had for my wife went out the window. The time had come to make the break. I had practically nothing to offer Suz except an undying love that grew stronger with each passing day. I had a 17.5 foot Travel Trailer. I packed into it the things I thought I might need, some personals and left, without a goodbye, for Calgary and Suz.***
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