Andy Rooneyisms
(for those of you that don't know Andy Rooney, he is a 82 year old US TV
commentator)
Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few
prisoners into my
house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I
don't think
we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should
have to run
twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they
don't want
to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then
I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark
their
territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of
your clothes.
On Morning Differences :
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in
the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you..... And the
women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
because
we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did
you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
costs 90
cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I
feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!"
(Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe
you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for
$2.95 to
say, "I'm not in the mood."
On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They
use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be - Jesus
Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of
it. You think
I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she
gave you for your birthday.
On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope
you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
positive, your
test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is
believed
that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering
around
with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with
them.
Andy Rooney said on 60 minutes
"I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big
campfires.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some
governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to
crack addicts for squirting out babies.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You
can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban
you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there
are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!
ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is
an opinion.
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except
numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are
things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black
Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America.
Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud
Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and
see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are
different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where
70%of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, its the Law of
Probability.
I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received
sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be a private
matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!
I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a
newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact,
if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the
countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if
you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the
word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount
votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are
qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank
loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket
store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives
in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come
over here and tell us our constitution is a living document, and open to
their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake,
but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching
them.
I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more
dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and
continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating
system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy
that invented the Internet to help you.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a
parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when
necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't
pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that
new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you
serve me freedom fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and
not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African
Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent.
I don't go around saying I am a European American because my great,
great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe.
I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough.
DON'T PASS IT ON!!"
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