Did you ever wonder?
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Signs that you have grown up.............
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no, what the hell happened?"
Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same
Test for Dementia
"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen
test."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the
muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally
alert The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also
applies to the brain, so... Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So, take the following test presented here and determine if
you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so
you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin.
WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread."
If you said "toast," then give up now and
go do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said,
"bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times.
Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water.
If you said "milk," please do not
attempt the next question.
Your brain is obviously over
stressed and may even overheat.
It maybe that you need to content
yourself with reading something
more appropriate such as Children's
World.
If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house
is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks
and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house
made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said "green
bricks,"
what the heck are you still doing here reading these
questions?
If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000
feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was
politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway,
during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing
that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash
landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has
time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's
land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you need help and you must NEVER
try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be
appreciated.
If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed
to the next question.
5. WITHOUT using a calculator -
You are driving a bus from
London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the
bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11
people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get
off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and
three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name
of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name?
It was YOU!!
Wise old indians know the truth
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking
the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials
sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed
the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars
and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all
his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent
events, in Your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute,
and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians
were running it.
- No taxes.
- No debt.
- Plenty buffalo
- Plenty beaver
- Women did the work
- Medicine man free
- Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
The chief smiled, and added quietly,
"White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.
