Written by: Bonnie and Colleen Speed Summer 1998, in the car, right around the time the transmission brokedown and we were stranded in Alliston
Starring: The DS9 crew and the amazing Quackers
Scene1: The station is floating aimlessly in space- Quark’s Bar.
Chief O’Brian and Doctor Bashir enter looking for a good time in the holosweet.
Bashir: Is the holosweet available for our amusement Quark?
Quark: As always for you my finest customers.
Quark hands them a holosweet program.
Chief: Thanks.
Bashir: I’m dying to finish this program, I’m just so bored.
Chief: Nothing wierd and exciting ever happens around here.
Beginning Credits and Opening Music.
Title: "Gimmie Gummi Wormhole"
Scene 2: Operations
Dax: Major, sensors are detecting an unauthorized space craft approaching the wormhole.
Major: What kind of ship is it?
Dax: I don’t know, it’s composed of foreign materials.
Major: What kind of materials could be foreign these days? I thought Star Fleet was all
knowing.
Dax: I don’t know, maybe we’d better call the Captain.
Major Kira summons Captain Sisko to Ops.
Sisko: (entering)What is it Major? I was giving Jake an important lecture on the importance of the
Federation.
Dax: There is an unauthorized ship heading for the wormhole.
Sisko: Who is it?
Major: Um, does the word unauthorized mean anything to you?
Sisko: Let me see... NO!
Dax: Wow! Grouchy this morning!
Major: Dax says scans show the ship is comprised ot foreign material.
Sisko: Hmmm, have you tried to make contact with them?
Dax: Not my job.
Major: Never thought.
Sisko: Allow me. Please hail them Dax.
Dax: Yes sir.
Major: Do you suppose it could be a new kind of Dominion ship? An advanced attack
ship?
Sisko: For the sake of the Federation I hope not. What is taking so long Dax?
Dax: Well, my hails have reached their ship but there have been no responses.
Sisko: They’re ignoring us.
Odo enters Ops.
Odo: With good reason I imagine.
Sisko: Odo, what brings you to Ops?
Major: The elevator thingy.
Sisko: You’re so funny, well Odo?
Odo: I felt the presence of my people...well of Changlings.
Sisko: Odd, I thought everybody was screened before entering the station, by my orders.
Dax: The filtering system does have flaws Captain.
Sisko: Oh be quiet, any other news about that ship?
Dax: Yes, they’ve employed a big crane-like arm from their hull.
Major: Strange.
Dax: They’re aiming it at the wormhole.
Major: We have to stop them Emmisary!
Sisko: Dax, fire a warning shot!
Dax: Done.
The ship alters it shape to avoid the shot. All in Ops are stunned.
Dax: Captain, it's...
Sisko: Yes I know Dax! Any theories people?
A Quacker appears on screen.
Quacker1: A theory? E=mc squared.
Quacker2: Good one, but I don’t believe it.
Quacker1: What do you mean?
Quacker2: I’m not a believer.
Q1: You mean you don’t want to believe?
Henderson: I want to believe.
Q2: Augh, Henderson! Who asked you anyway?
Sisko: Excuse me, excuse me... (Quackers keep talking) Hey! I’m talking here!
Q1: No, excuse me...I burped.
Sisko: Who are you?
Q2: That is not our concern.
Sisko: It is mine.
Q1: So.
Sisko: So!?! You’ve entered Federation space without identifying yourselves.
Q2: Oh, how silly of us, but we’ve left our driver’s licenses at home.
Q1: Which means we can’t drive.
Q2: Dear me, who’s flying this ship?
Henderson: I know, it’s...
Q1: Hey! None of that!
Dax: Captain, look at this...
Sisko: Not now Dax, I’m interrigating...um conversing with our guests.
Q2: Oh how quaint! Guests! Who would have thought! We should have you guys over for
a spot of tea!
Henderson: SPOT! (cries)
Q3: Ahh, why did you have to mention that word?
Q2: Oh boy, now I’ve done it.
Henderson weeps loudly in the corner.
Sisko: You must back away from the wormhole at once!
Q1: Why, it’s a free country!
Q3: Oops, not a country.
Q1: Darn.
Major: Why not try a more diplomatic approach Captain?
Sisko: Never! We must protect the Federation! Dax! Fire!
Dax: Captain, I don’t think...
Sisko: That’s an order!
Captain Sisko walks up to the control panel.
Odo: Wait! Captain!
Major Kira tries to hold him back, but he breaks free
Quackers: (in slow motion) Captain! NOOOOOO!
Captain Sisko fires at the ship himself. All the crew watches in horror and the Quackers scream and sing the Hallelujah Chorus. The Quacker ship changes shape into a big water buffalo to divert the fires.
Odo: (gasps)
Sisko: Changlings?
Dax: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. The ship is made entirely of Changlings.
The humanoids talking are the only non-Changlings.
Sisko: What is going on here?
Q1: Are we alive?
Q2: I can still wiggle my toes.
Q1: Then we must be alive.
Sisko: Would you care to explain yourselves?
Q3: Care to explain...
Q2: I don’t know if you chaps can be trusted.
Sisko: (with a sly smile and open arms) Can’t be trusted? We only seek answers.
Q2: Answers? And me without my Trival Pursuit game.
Q3: But that requires questions as well as answers.
Q2: Unless it’s Jeopardy, then answers are in the form of questions.
Q1: Do we have an answer?
Henderson: What was the question?
Q3: Beats the bleeps out of me!
Q1: (to Sisko) Captain, could you please repeat the question?
Sisko: (smiles) We only wish to know why you are here and what you expect to
accomplish.
Ship morphs into the shape of a Galaxy-Class Starship.
Q3: Well, if you must know, we’ve galavanted about, acquired SPAM and bleepers things
from our good buddy Jeen-Look Pick-your-nose and his stick-in-the-mud crew.
Q2: We’ve also ventured far beyond your comprehension with our transporter BUD where
we met a nosy, greedy bunch who gave us batteries in exchange for a tall, oriental hairy
guy.
Q1: And they gave us a dog!
Henderson: SPARKY!
Q2: Why did you have to mention that! Look what you’ve done!
Henderson starts crying, sobbing and pacing the bridge singing "How much is that doggie in the Window" through tears. They shove him under the console.
Q3: Besides mocking the jolly game of cricket we don’t tend to do much.
Sisko: (smiling diplomatically) Yes that’s all very nice, but what brought you here? (gritting
his teeth)
Q2: That’s easy!
Q1: Our ship!
Sisko: Yes, okay, let’s talk about your ship.
Odo: Where did you get it?
Q3: Yes, interesing story...
Quacker 2 runs up to display screen, hand showing the palm and sheilding his face.
Q2: No questions! No more questions please! (whispers) Turn that off!
Quacker1 shuts off communication.
Dax: They cut off all channels of communication.
Sisko: I see that. (glaring look)
Major: I don’t see how they could be much of a threat since they seem so..
Worf enters Ops to finish the sentence.
Worf: Not amusing.
Dax: Worf, you’re not on duty, what are you doing in Ops?
Worf: I heard those awful voices from downstairs and came up immediately, hoping it was
not who I thought it was.
Major: Who?
Worf: We call them the...Quackers, a vile and nasty race we encountered on the
Enterprise. I hoped I would never see them again. But unfortunately, I have. (with snarl)
Sisko: Worf, you must tell me all you know about these Quackers.
Odo: And that ship they’re travelling in.
Worf: There’s not much to tell, it was a bad experience I don’t wish to relive.
Sisko: Anything would help.
Worf: They’re the stupidest creatures in the universe and are amused by little stupid things.
Sisko: An example Commander Worf?
Worf: Um, I can’t think of any...
Dax: Come on Worf, you must remember something.
Worf: Well, there was one thing...
Sisko: Out with it!
Worf: It was...my...nose hairs.
Dax snorts and tries to conceal her chuckles, but Major Kira laughs outloud.
Worf: It was not amusing!
Odo: No, it must have been very painful for you.
Worf: It was.
Sisko: Okay people, let’s get to the bottom of this ship mystery. I want all senior officers
to Ops NOW!
Scene3: Quacker Ship
Q1: Okay people, let’s get to the bottom of this space station thingy!
Q2: Huttle!
Q3: Those Star Fleet geeks are definately spoiling our plan...
Q2: It’s really only that Captain guy that’s causing trouble.
Henderson: I think he wasn’t to kill us.
Q1: Augh, Henderson! What did you think that torpedo was all about?
Henderson: An offering of peace?
Everyone hits Henderson
Q2: But, I think we could get the stuff and take off before they could push a sequence of
buttons.
Q3: We’re not that fast.
Q1: Besides these things take time and precision.
Q2: What’s wrong with you? Let’s just do it!
Henderson: Those guys wouldn’t kill us...would they?
Q3: What guys?
Q1: Oh those guys! I think if they really wanted to see us dead and floating through space
they would have disposed of us already.
Q3: Besides, they can’t kill us!
Q2: We’re invincible!
Henderson: Yah, especially with our cool ship.
Q1: I say we ask those guys to help us.
Q2: No! They’ll betray us in a wink of a wildebeast.
Q3: What we need is someone we can trust.
Henderson: Yah!
All look at eachother and smile in agreement.
Quackers: A Ferengie!
Henderson: We can trust them!
Q1: Yes! Time to discuss this matter with Baldy Red Shirt.
Q2: Who?
Q1: Mr. "Federation" man.
Q3: The one with the fuzz on his chin- he seems to run the show.
Henderson: Let’s get this show on the road!
Scene4: All senior officers in Ops.
Quackers Hail DS9
Hail flies into Ops.
Worf growls for 30 seconds straight as he pushes ping pong balls around and stamps on
them.
Chief: Finally! Something wierd and unusual!
Dax: Is this usual for them Worf?
Worf: Quite. Just avoid the word H...A...I...L.
Q1: Hey you guys!
Sisko: What is it?
Q3: No wait!
Q1: What?
Q3: Look! (pointing at Worf)
Q2: It’s that guy!
Henderson: (with song) It’s tree trunk nose hair man!
Cheering from Quacker Bridge.
Q1: I...can’t...resist...must...zoom...in...
Camera zooms into Worf, but Worf hides his nose, so they get Odo instead.
All Quackers: Ahh!
Q2: Most unexpected!
Q3: It’s as clean as a bowl of ice!
Q1: Amazing!
All stand and gaze in approval and DS9 crew stares at Odo in disbelief as he appears to be
blushing.
Brief Silence.
Q3: Anywho, we’ve called to inquire about a certain species who would be particularly
useful to us. (turns hesitantly behind)
Q1: A Ferengie!
Henderson: Yahoo!
Nog enters Ops to inform Chief O’Brian of a repair attempt gone terribly wrong.
Nog: Chief, sorry to interrupt...
Q2: Hey! There’s one now!
Q1: Man, you guys are fast!
Henderson: Super Ferengie!
Nog stops dead in his tracks.
Q3: Hey Ferengie, how many of you are there on that station?
Nog looks at Captain Sisko, afraid to answer.
Sisko: Stop right there! I’ll ask the questions!
Q2: Why do you get to ask the questions?
Q1: Hey, you just asked one.
Q2: So I did.
Q3: Show who controls this game...
Sisko: (clears throat) What is your interest in Ferengies?
Q3: Can’t say.
Henderson: Nope, definitely confidental.
Q1: We wish to speak with our little big-eared friend please.
Sisko: I don’t think so.
Henderson: Please?
Q2: We’ll be ever so good to him and give him all sort of candies.
Henderson: Mmm, sugar.
Sisko: You must take up any business you have here with me!
Q1: No, we don’t deal with your kind.
Sisko: What kind is that? I represent the United Federation of Planets!
Q2: Rah bah bah.
Q1: First you deceive us by giving us bleepers and no batteries.
Q3: Then you give us a stinkin’ little pooch who is not ship-trained and chews wires.
Q2: Don’t say that about Sparky! He was good until Henderson took him for a walk!
Henderson: Not my fault, not my fault!
Q3: Outer Space is not the place for a little puppy!
Henderson: I didn’t know! Stop talking!
Quackers argue.
Worf: Shut up! Shut your mouths!
Quackers all stop and look at Worf in shock.
Q1: Deja Vu!
Henderson: Can’t trust Federation!
Sisko is burning with anger.
Major: Calmness Captain, calmness.
Sisko: We could discuss this rationally.
Q2: I’m game!
Q3: Me too!
Henderson: Me too! Me too!
Q1: It’s settled. We will go on a field trip to Deep Nine Space!
Q2: Where?
Major: Deep Space Nine.
Sisko looks at Major Kira in disgust for helping the crazy aliens.
Q3: That’s it! Deep Space Nine!
Henderson: I can’t wait!
Q1: Do we have docking permission?
Sisko: NO!
Odo: We could investigate their ship further if it were in our docking bay Captain.
Sisko: True.
Q2: Yes listen to clean nose guy Captain!
Sisko: Alright, but there will be VERY heavy security.
Q3: Joy, joy!
Scene5: Quackers dock their ship.
Sisko, Major Kira, Dax and Odo with his security team meet them at the docking bay Kira greets the Quackers.
Major: Welcome to Deep Space Nine.
Q1: Thankyou kindly.
Q2: Thankyou very much.
Henderson: Thanks, thanks, thanks a bunch.
Sisko: Now, how would you like to talk?
Q3: Don’t like to talk.
Q1: Only to Ferengies. Very important business that we simply must discuss with them.
Odo pulls Nog out from the corner. Nog is frightened.
Odo: Here is your Ferengie.
Sisko: Easy Odo, not too fast.
Nog: It’s okay. I’ll talk. I’m okay.
Q1: You’re okay.
Q3: I’m okay.
Henderson: Talk away!
Sisko: I’d like to be present for the negotiations as Captain of this space station.
Q2: Dream on baldy.
Q1: No humans with facial hair allowed on this mission.
Sisko: No, (teeth gritting) I insist.
Q3: (ignoring Sisko, walking down the cooridor and talking Nog aside) Are there any other
trustworthy Ferengie on board?
Nog: Yes, my uncle owns a bar and my father...
Henderson: A bar?
Q1: What is it made of?
Nog: Huh?
Q2: I bet it’s made of steel!
Q1: Or gold-pressed latnum!
Nog: No, no, no, it’s where you drink and play games.
Q1: Sounds like a drag, but it’ll do.
Henderson: Let us go!
Nog takes the Quackers to Quark’s Bar followed closely by Odo and his team. Sisko, Dax and Major Kira stay to inspect the ship.
Scene6: The Docking Bay- the team examines the ship which is now in the shape of DS9.
Dax: It’s definitely made completely of Changlings, though I don’t know how.
Sisko: Why would the Changlings want to help these Quackers?
Dax: I have no idea.
Major: I couldn’t help but notice how they seem to always get what they want.
Dax: They are awfully influencial.
Sisko: And darn annoying.
Dax: Still, I can’t see how the Changlings could be infleunced by the Quackers.
Major: Maybe they’re more powerful than we think.
Sisko: And maybe their stupid personalities are just an elaborate cover-up for a destructive
motive.
Dax: Well, I don’t know about that... but I’m a little suspicious.
Sisko: I think they’re a threat and we must rid of them forever to protect the Federation!
Major: We’ll see after they have their meeting with Quark.
Dax: In the meantime, I’d like to take a closer look at the ship.
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