Balloons!Balloons!Balloons!
I couldn't believe it. I, Chester B Nester was accused of stealing a closet full of balloons. "How do you steal a closet full of balloons?" you ask. I don't know. Sounds kind of difficult to me. Here's what happened.
I was at home playing catch with my cactus, that's when I throw styrofoam balls at it so they stick, when I heard a knock. I looked out the peep hole but no one was there. A man was at the door of the apartment across the hall. Wilma. Boy oh boy did she have a lot of gentlemen callers. Well, I went back to playing catch when I heard more knocking. This time it was at my door. I knew this for sure because it was so loud I almost jumped out of my skivvies. He looked to have a huge nose but I found out later the peep hole distorted it. I put on my robe and answered the door.
"I want my balloons back!" he yelled.
"What balloons? I didn't take any balloons!"
"Sure you did. They were all different colors, sizes and shapes. Some even had funny messages on them. I want them back!"
"Who are you?" I asked.
"My name is Ralph T Rogers. If you don't hand over the balloons, I will tie you up with barbed wire and make you eat black jelly beans. Now hand them over!"
"I don't have them I tell ya! Now get out of my face!" I yelled at him. Then it hit me. I knew this guy from somewhere. "I know who you are." I told him, "You work at the typewriter factory just outside of town. I saw you on the news last night talking about the new technology in the typewriter factory business. Fascinating stuff."
"Thank you. I want my balloons back!"
"I don't have them. Honest." He finally began to calm down. I looked at his face and he was about to cry! "Come inside for a minute and tell me all about it."
I found out he was a maintenance man. He works on the big machinery when it breaks down. He also repairs typewriters on the side. I asked if he would look at my broken typewriter and he did. the only thing wrong with it was no ribbon. I'm not good with machines.
He told me his balloons were all stuffed into a closet at his apartment. He lives right above me in 3H. He came home from work and decided to look for a missing button. it came off of his black leather pants and he can't wear them until he finds it. he looked everywhere but no avail. He decided to look in his balloon closet even the only stuff in there was the balloons. He opened the door expecting them to fly out, they were filled with helium, but the closet was empty. Not a single balloon in it.
After the initial shock was over, he ran down to talk to Wilma. He had just shown her the collection the day before. She was the only other person who knew about the balloons. She told him the man across the hall took them. She saw him carrying them down the stairs. That's when he came to my door.
"Well, let's go over to Ted's and ask him." Ted lives next door to me in 5G. Ted wasn't home so we went to 1G. He wasn't home either, but his wife was. She said Albert overheard Ralph tell Wilma about them and he freaked. Albert collects balloons too. Sheila said he grabbed the hedge trimmers and left. She also saw him going down the stairs carrying the balloons. She gave me a book of matches and said that is his favorite bar. The name of the bar is "The Jungle." I've been there before. It has a giant ceramic giraffe inside the front door. How that thing has never been broken I don't know. It is taller than me and at least four feet long. Not a single drunk person has knocked it over.
We had no luck there. The doorman hadn't seen him for a week and asked if he was alright. We didn't answer because we didn't know.
When we went outside, I saw Albert's car parked a block away in front of the empty boxcar. Nothing was there except a dead goldfish.
"Why is the empty boxcar here?" I asked.
"I really don't know, but I heard it's because the Mayor is a big fan of Boxcar Willie. I just think somebody didn't need it anymore and dumped it here. Why would the mayor bring in a train car but have no tracks for it?"
We then went back to my apartment. I made dinner for us. We had wieners and beans with fried potatoes. Boy were they good.
"Good food, Chester. Where's the bathroom?" Ralph asked while standing up.
"Second door on the left."
After he shut the door he screamed violently loud. I ran to see what was wrong and he was standing in the tub.
"Tile floor! Tile floor! I'm frightened of tile floors! Help me out of here!"
Once out in the hall he was fine. "How can you be scared of tile floors?" I asked.
"When I was little, I slipped in the bathroom at my Grandma's house and fell flat on my face. I broke my nose and it still hurts when it rains. Linoleum floors don't bother me, just tile floors."
I sat him down at the kitchen table, which by the way is a picnic table from the park down the street. They make cheap kitchen tables. Sturdy! Boy are they sturdy.
We decided to go talk to Sheila again. Maybe she'd heard from Albert. This time she let us in. I had a good view of the laundry chute. Our building has a separate chute for each apartment. Down in the basement, each apartment has a locked cage so no one can steal the clothes.
While we were talking to Sheila, I saw a single bubble come out of the chute. I didn't say anything. Then more and more bubbles came out. I told Ralph and we went over for a look-see. I heard a faint laugh coming from the chute. "Albert!" I yelled down. "What?!" came back up. I took off running. Ralph passed me as we ran down the stairs.
We found nothing but the bottle of bubble solution.
"Well, what now?" Ralph asked.
"Ssshh! I hear some music. I know where he went. C'mon!"
We ran down the street to the park. The annual Hot Air Balloon Show was about to begin. We found Albert staring up at the sky, holding the hedge trimmers at his side. He was shaking all over. There must have been two-hundred balloons in the sky. His system couldn't take it.
Shortly after we arrived, an ambulance showed up. Somebody must have noticed him and called for it. He turned out to be fine, just a little bit of shock, and he never stops talking about the balloons.
Ralph got his balloons back safe and sound. He keeps the balloon closet door locked.
The End
© Streettales July 1 1994