ENVELOPE TAG
The crate of chickens fell off the truck as it passed the house. Hans ran out yelling something about dinner for a week. When he returned inside, Lars started beating him with a broom. He wanted the chickens for pets; not dinner. They decided to eat them anyway. Hans and Ulrich didn't care what Lars thought.
Ulrich took a bite of celery and quickly spit it out. It was still too crisp for his liking. He pointed to the corner of the kitchen saying repeatedly, "Armadillo! Armadillo!" This had been going on for a month. Ulrich kept seeing armadillos everywhere. The last time he saw them, he couldn't see the floor. The armadillos were milling about. Ulrich squatted down and stuck out the stalk of celery as if feeding a small animal. Hans and Lars just stood watching. They have learned to ignore it.
After Ulrich "fed the armadillo," he noticed something under the edge of the cabinet. He reached for it and pulled out an unwashed glass. He licked the inside and said, "Pink Swimmingo Kool-Aid."
The three of them turned to leave the kitchen and Lars noticed, on the floor, an envelope with the number 1. He picked it up and found a note inside that said:
"Could our red noses ever really offer friendly eels lamenting mice and never dig vests in North England?"
It was the Lagerton Loonies Secret Code. Somebody was playing Envelope Tag with them. This is the game where a secret is hidden somewhere and clues to its location are given one by one. Each envelope is taped onto the bottom of a corner mailbox.
Hans called the train station to get three tickets to Barleyville--the only town on Intoxica with Elm & Vine streets. They must take the train because they are rickshawless. About seventeen days ago, Ulrich was driving while Hans and Lars were riding. Ulrich didn't see the alligator until he was right up on it. He swerved to miss it and almost ran into old Mrs MacGillicuddy on her three-wheel cycle with a big basket on the back. The rear corner of the rickshaw clipped the left wheel of the tricycle. The dandelions and oranges bounced out of the basket. Ulrich ran the rickshaw into a ditch and it fell apart. Now they have to take the train.
Barleyville was 195 miles away. When they arrived, they quickly went to Elm & Vine. The mailbox was there with the envelope in place. Lars grabbed it and read this in the note:
Every little mite ate new dirt for its reel stops time.
They ran down Elm Street a couple blocks to the corner of First Street. There on the corner was the mailbox with envelope number three. The clue was:
Time ripped every epiglottis high over umpteen shoes. Emptying nothing into new jars allows slow kills. Never on white albums live leeches.
Hans left for the train station to get tickets to Hapston so they could visit Tetsuo.
Behind the Hapston Public Library, Tetsuo the Ninja lives in a tree-house. Nobody knows why he lives in a tree-house but Ulrich has his own theory. Ulrich believes Tetsuo will lose his Ninja powers if his feet touch the ground. Hans and Lars didn't believe this because Ninjas don't have "powers." They leave it alone because Ulrich has never been proven wrong.
Tetsuo was reclining on a branch enjoying the breeze when Hans approached the tree. Lars and Ulrich decided Hans should talk to Tetsuo alone.
Tetsuo said something in Japanese and Hans answered by opening his shirt and revealing his tattoo. The Ninja laughed, said something else and climbed to his house.
Hans translated the message for Lars and Ulrich. Their mission would now take them to the post office in Pilsnerburg. First they had to get a hotel room for the night. The trains do not run after dark in Intoxica. It's one of those silly laws that no one knows why it exists. It's just there.
The room at the hotel was perfect. Hans had the bed, Ulrich slept in the tub as usual and Lars sacked out on the floor. Ulrich did have nightmares again. It was the first time since the surgery last September.
The ride to Pilsnerburg was very eventful. Hans was sitting at the bar listening to the lounge singer. She was singing "Love Song For A Vampire" from "Bram Stoker's Dracula." It was his favorite song. When she was finished, the man next to Hans fell off his stool. He was dead. He had been shot in the neck by a poison dart. The investigation went on with Hans as the only suspect.
About eleven minutes before the train pulled into Pilsnerburg, the killer was caught. The singer, Marika, shot him when her song was over. She just wanted to know how it felt to kill someone. Boy was Hans relieved. He didn't think he would get to finish Envelope Tag.
At the station, the information woman gave them directions to the post office. They had to go two blocks west and two blocks south. About three minutes after they started walking, Ulrich sneezed and his false teeth hit the back of Lars' head. Hans laughed uncontrollably and soon the others joined in. It was quite comical.
When they turned the corner, the giant Duck-Billed Platypus statue marking the post office came into view. When Intoxica was first settled, it was infested by the Duck-Billed Platypus. The settlers killed them off. Afterwards, the settlers felt bad about it and named the postal service "Platypus Express" in memorium. The statues went up in front of each post office as it was built.
Once inside, Ulrich began checking under the boxes. The system was simple. One box for every town in Intoxica. The envelope was under the last box in the building. The note said:
White hot apples take a reading exam. Yellow owls untie dogs only if needed. Giant houses exude red except grey ones. Today on my alpine incline, nobody asked new debonair mice. Any ill needles invited now are lost. Could our horse operate pennies on little ice sticks?
They had to hurry to the train station. It would be dark soon and they didn't want the train to stop halfway to Alcohopolis.
When the train arrived in Alcohopolis, it was almost dark. They had barely made it. The post office was across the street. Taped to the door was the envelope with the number five on it. The note said:
Yapping ocelots usher red elephants into town!
Dieter
They finally found out who was playing the game. It was Ulrich's father Dieter. Now all they have to do is locate him to tag him so he is 'it' again.
THE END
©STREETTALES May 3 1994