THE QUEST
Once upon a time, in the land of Lagerton, there lived three deranged lunatics named Hans, Lars and Ulrich. Lars and Ulrich were listening to the radio when Hans excitedly ran into the room yelling Name That Tune. Ulrich turned the TV onto the correct station and they sat down for a half hour of enjoyment. The very first tune was easy to guess because it was The Beer Barrel Polka which was the national anthem of Lagerton. When the show finished, the three had guessed only two songs; the polka and, in three notes, Bach's "Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor."
Lars stood up and pulled on his green and yellow plaid sweater vest. When asked where he was going, he said he was going to find Tippy his pet squirrel. He hadn't fed him for three weeks.
Meanwhile, back at the TV, Hans was flipping channels and he stopped on the local home shopping network. Everything is priced ridiculously low. Why just yesterday a man named Mikhail bought a Baldwin baby-grand piano for $100. The catch is you can only pay by at least two travellers checks and no phone number or address is given. The viewer must locate the origin of broadcast and pay in person. After an item is sold, the network packs up and moves to a different location. Depending on how fast an item was sold, usually only one is offered. One time two items were sold but that doesn't count. He was a relative of the host who no longer works there.
Well, Hans about had a cow because he saw not one but two (2) Waterford Crystal Salt & Pepper Sets in four different shapes. A pentagon, a sphere, a parallelagram and a tetrahedron. He could not believe it. Only five bucks a set. He had been looking for these for years. He'd never seen them. He'd only heard of them in salt & pepper set circles. Hans left for the bank to get the travellers checks and told Ulrich to get Lars and meet him at the laundromat in 30 minutes.
When Hans arrived wearing a purple top hat, Lars and Ulrich were already there. When asked about the hat he said a man at the bank was wearing and he wanted it. He stood in front of the man facing him and started reciting the phone book. The man asked him what he wanted and Hans naturally pointed at the hat. He got all the way to the K's before the man gave in.
It was now 5:34pm and the network goes off the air at 7:00pm but people have until 10:00pm to locate it. So off they went singing "We're Just Two Little Girls From Little Rock."
They went to the local nuclear waste dump site. No network. They climbed the perimeter fence to get into the orange grove. No network there either; only tree frogs. This is the famous "Sunkist Incubator" as the locals have come to call it. Tree frogs from all over jump and climb their way here to work into a frenzy by eating the oranges on the ground. Then they choose a mate if you get my drift.
Well the three decided to try the library. They arrived at about 7:03pm. No network. Since they were there, Ulrich decided to read the newspaper, "The Lagerton Picayune" instead of buying one. In it he saw an ad for the very items for which they searched. Realizing the whole town would probably want them, they doubled their efforts.
Within the next hour they had checked the local firehouse, police station, five-and-dime (grabbed a sandwich there), hospital, boathouse, radiator shop, auto body shop, junk yard, dump, gravel pit, high school, junior high, grade school, Piggly Wiggly, Hooters Restaurant, Burger King, video store, mall, gas station, hobby shop, butcher (said Hi to Sam), crematorium, theaters (movie and stage), Mister Wok, Master Wang, plant nursery, used book store and telephone company. No network.
It was now about 8:29 and they had no clue where the network was. They were walking down the street when they came upon a man sleeping on the sidewalk. He was wearing a pin-stripe suit and wingtips with a red bandana tied around his left ankle. Ulrich took it from him and tied it around his neck like a cowboy. His ultimate dream was to be trampled by a herd of cattle numbering in the thousands.
Farther down the street was the tattoo parlor. When they got there the place was empty except for the owner. No network. Hans decided to get a tattoo on his chest. He chose the ever popular design of a school wall clock.
When they walked out the door, they noticed the local TV station, WBER, accross the street. The front door was secured with a padlock. Hans looked in the front window and there were the shakers in front of his face. He thrust his fist through the glass, no cuts, grabbed them and ran. The host of the show jumped through the window and chased him. Hans was tackled and finally paid his ten dollar travellers checks.
Hans sat on the curb admiring his shakers and began to cry. He cried for three hours until about 12:02am and went home with Lars and Ulrich. When they got there, Stefan, a mutual friend, was eating at the kitchen table. They sat down and ate with him. When asked what they were eating, Stefan said it was Tippy. Lars replied "He always was a good pet."
And they lived happily ever after.
The moral of this story: Squirrel tastes just like chicken.
THE END
© STREETTALES march 1994