THE ROAD TRIP
Hans was in the kitchen cleaning the dust bunnies out from under the stove when Lars came in saying something about Ulrich and a rickshaw. It seems that Ulrich sold his Jeep Cherokee for a used rickshaw with a broken wheel. Hans and Lars were excited. A rickshaw ride would be cool. The jeep was so boring.
Before they went outside, Ulrich checked the thermometer. If it was over seventy degrees, they would not go out. It was forty-two degrees Fahrenheit; perfect for a rickshaw ride to the cemetery. Hans and Lars rode while Ulrich drove; after all it is his rickshaw.
On the way to the cemetery, a huge dark cloud began to form above them. By the time they reached the cemetery it had been raining for about five minutes. The dandelion orchard next to the cemetery was growing taller by the minute. This was the famous "Leo's Swell Dandelion Orchard" or "LSD Orchard" as the locals of Lagerton call it. The dandelions are grown exclusively for "Dandy Dandelion Wine by Leo" famous throughout the entire city.
The cemetery was boring today, no funerals happening, so they decided to go back home. On the way back, Lars spotted what he thought was a Great Auk. Hans said it was an Ork, but Ulrich insisted it was an Ocelot. Hans said there was no such animal as an Ocelot so he was wrong. Lars finally realized what it really was: a pigeon screaming while doing a cartwheel. About a minute after they passed it, the three men heard the most awful screech. Then Ulrich noticed it. Coming down the street was a swirling, grey mass of about forty screaming pigeons turning cartwheels. Lars then remembered it was LAF Day (Loud Acrobatic Fowl Day) in Lagerton. For some unknown reason, every year on this day, birds group together by race and tumble down the streets screaming. It really is quite a site to behold.
Hans looks to his left and spies a frog hiding in the azaleas alongside the road. As he is pointing this out to Lars, the frog jumps after one of the pigeons. The pigeon tries to fly away but the frog is too quick. They wrestle until the bird dies. Oh the horrible noises frogs and birds create when they fight. The frog now has dinner for two weeks. Lars couldn't believe it. He had only heard of these frogs but now he actually saw one in action. The feared Amphibious Epidermis Devourous.
When they arrived home, Stefan, a mutual friend, had left a note for them in the Lagerton Loonies Secret Code taped to the front door. It said:
"My excited envelope tries a tricky jump over his apple newton, now squashed."
They now have a long trip ahead of them for Johann lives in Barleyville 195 miles away. They went inside to use the restroom, rickshaws are not a smooth ride, and grabbed a couple grape jelly and bologna sandwiches for it's gonna be a long haul. Lars also grabbed some peanut butter & mincemeat cookies made by Helga the nice lady next door.
Two days passed before they arrived at Johann's house. It took them 48.75 hours, by rickshaw, to drive 195 miles which would take 3 hours by car. But the Jeep is too boring.
Once they cleaned the pile of cookie crumbs out of the rickshaw, they went inside for a refreshing lemon. Nothing like eating them fresh--peel and all. After they were rested, Johann showed them a note written in the secret code. It said:
"Yes our umbrella rode every new elephant. Rabbits forget because another little lemon-apple needs diapers tomorrow. Your pink enchilada will rust if Timmy eats really white, icky, little lima beans. Emus run enjoyable trips under red, nobly eels. Did Sam allow Fred every last yesterday and friday to eat rutabagas? Yor of Umberton raved every time Ursula ran near Michael's yellow-gold oval ladder. Did every new zebra in Pilsnerburg perplex elephants running sideways across northern domain? Will Hester invite Timothy E Titus under Boardwalk East so Oliver can kill Selma?
Dietrich is the only other person who knows the code. He used to be a good friend of Johann's until Heidi showed up. Johann ended up marrying Heidi and Dietrich never forgave him for that. Lars couldn't believe it. Dietrich had stolen Johann's Super Nerf Ball and Silver-Reed EX 50 Typewriter. He planned to return them safely when Johann returns Dietrich's white tube socks and golden zippers. Johann gathered the three socks, not three pair, and put them in the dumbwaiter. He then rummaged around in his medicine cabinet until he found the zippers. He was going to use these in his black leather pants but decided to go with gold buttons. He threw the zippers into the dumbwaiter and sent it downstairs. Dietrich lived in the bottom apartment of the building. Soon after, the dumbwaiter came back up with the Nerf ball and typewriter in it. As Johann was emptying the dumbwaiter, the doorbell rang. Hans opened the door and there stood Dietrich with a ten pound dumbbell. Apparently he had borrowed this from Johann and decided to return it before it was kidnaped and held for ransom.
Lars, Hans and Ulrich said their goodbyes and left for home in Lagerton. On the way back through Zimaville, they saw many swallows doing somersaults while screaming. Obviously LAF Day isn't a Lagerton exclusive.
THE END
© STREETTALES march 25 1994