The List
I was reading my favorite magazine when a knock sounded from my apartment door. I reluctantly went to answer it, when the knocking started again, only louder. Just before I opened the door, I noticed the knob trying to turn. Whoever it was wanted in real bad.
Let me tell you about myself. My name is Lester P Nester. I am a nobody. By that I mean I go to work, then home and never bother anyone. I work in a shoestring factory. I operate the machine that attaches the little plastic tips to the string. Those things have a name but by golly I forget right now. To pass the time. I read magazines or play my clarinet on the fire escape.
Well anyway, when I opened the door, a man fell in. Just before he hit the floor, he said in a gruff voice, "I want my black and grey two-piece custom-made pool cue back!" he hit the floor and was out like a light when it is turned off.
I stood there looking down at him. The back of his head was bloody. In his left hand was a piece of paper. This is what started it all. If I hadn't looked at it, nothing would have happened.
it was a list of three things. Macaroni, an empty egg carton and lighter fluid. "What was the significance of these items?" I thought. "Surely he wasn't hit over the head for these things. What about his pool cue? Where was it? Why doesn't he have it?" These and other questions were running through my head.
I found his wallet. His name was Horace S Grant. Twenty-nine years old. He lived at 555 S Main. I also found his union card. He was a school bus driver.
I need a stiff drink. I went to the fridge to see what I had. Milk, water, grape & orange Kool-Aid and some Tang. I picked the Tang. I always wanted to be an astronaut. I reached for the freezer door to get some ice and I saw my recipe for a vinegar and baking soda volcano held in place by my favorite magnet. My brother Chester gave it to me when I got my first fridge. "You can't have a fridge without a fridge magnet. I think it's illegal or something." he said when he gave it to me. The magnet is in the shape of a goat flying a kite. The goat itself is the magnet. The kite is attached to a wire that makes it stick out from the fridge.
Right about then is when I heard Horace moan., "How ya doin'?" I asked.
"Not so good. Got any Tang?" He slowly sat up and I gave him my glass.
"Why did you come to my door? Why not somebody else's?"
"Because it was there."
"What happened? Who clubbed you?"
"I don't know. Did you call an ambulance?"
"No. Do you want me to?"
"You do and I'll hurt ya." Then he was out again. So, I didn't call for help.
Well, I was getting bored waiting for him to wake up. I wasn't in the mood for the clarinet and I lost interest in the magazine so I decided to make a volcano. I love those things. Every time I make one, I think of the "Brady Bunch" episode when it explodes all over everybody. Mine worked without a hitch.
Horace slept through the night. When I woke up, he was already eating breakfast. I was just about to yell at him for eating my food when I noticed the grocery sack on the floor. He had been to the store and made pancakes. I sat down to eat. That man can cook.
"Who's after you?" I asked with a mouthful.
"Why should I tell you?"
"You're sitting at my table aren't ya?"
"His name is Glenn Daulfin. We were roommates in college."
"Why's he after you?"
"I have some of his stuff. That list you found. That's what I have."
"An empty egg carton? He clubbed you over an empty egg carton?"
"And macaroni and lighter fluid. Yes he did. Back in college, I borrowed those from him. I promised he'd have them back before graduation. Because I didn't give them back on time, he wants ten thousand dollars."
"Wow that's steep!" I said. "You haven't paid, have you?"
"Of course not! He took my pool cue yesterday to hold for ransom."
"You refused to pay so he clubbed you and took your stick."
"He took my stick then clubbed me with it."
"Then give his stuff back to him."
"I tried. He wants the money and the stuff."
"He's greedy. Let's go talk to him. Where's the stuff at now?"
"At my place across the street." So we went to get the stuff.
When we went into his kitchen, he found a used tea bag that was still damp on the counter. We checked the place but nobody was there. The tea bag was still warm so whoever was there left not long before.
Horace mad some Quick and we discussed our plan. We were about ready to leave when Horace found an electric bug in the flowers on the coffee table. Needless to say, we changed our plans.
We decided to make Glenn mad. I glued the macaroni onto the empty egg carton. Horace spry-painted it gold. Glenn wasn't going to be too happy. I found some plastic flowers and stuck them into the carton. Horace sprayed those gold too. Boy was it hideous. I don't think a grandma anywhere would put it out for all to see. I grabbed it and Horace took the lighter fluid and some empty cans and off we went.
On the way to Glenn's, we stopped at the factory. I got about five hundred feet of string. "I sure wish we had walkie-talkies." Horace said while making the tin-can-and-string telephone. "Turn here."
Glenn's house was on the beach. It was huge and had two towers. Must be two hundred years old or older.
We parked down the beach a ways and walked to the back of the house. Horace took a can and the lighter fluid to the other side of the house. I stayed put.
"The entrance to the secret passageway is right in front of me." I heard Horace say through the string. "I'm going in!"
"No! Wait!" Too late. He was already gone. He didn't tell me anything about the house or what I should do.
I waited for about fifteen minutes. That was long enough. I went in through the sliding doors on the deck. I was in the kitchen. I went to the living room. Nobody around. I though, "I need a weapon in case Glenn shows up." A pillow was on the couch so I grabbed the slip case from it. I could put something in it and do some damage on someone. I started to fill it with canned food but that could kill him. I looked around and found two bushels of raisins in the pantry. I filled the pillowcase full of raisins. It could slow someone down but not kill. It was pretty heavy too.
"Who's there?" the voice said. I turned around. It was Glenn. Boy was he ugly. Grey hair, and only twenty-nine, pale skin and a big nose.
He saw the centerpiece we made out of his stuff and lunged at me. I stepped out of the way but he hit me in the shoulder. I fell down in front of the sink. I tried to swing the raisins but couldn't get any leverage on the floor. I grabbed the cabinet handle to pull up with, but the door swung open. I found a bottle of window cleaner and sprayed a mist of it in his face. What horrible screams!
Horace came out of the fridge. He was spraying the lighter fluid all over Glenn who lunged back at him. He was a regular gazelle. I grabbed my lighter and yelled, "Stop or I'll torch ya!" He did. Just like in the cartoons. He stopped in mid-air and fell to the floor.
Horace put him in a kitchen chair and I tied him up with the pipe-joint tape I found under the sink.
"If you had taken the stuff back the first time, this wouldn't have happened. Do you want them now?" Horace asked.
"Yes, thank you."
"Here," I said setting the centerpiece on his lap. "You already have the lighter fluid.
Horace called and here we are.
"Thanks a heap Nester. O'Grady, book Daulfin." Sergeant O'Brien said. "You can go now you two. But remember Grant, always keep your promises."
"I will sir, I will!"
The End
© Streettales May 5, 1994