The Funny Side of the Street

There was a fellow who loved hollandaise sauce. He put it on everything. Toast in the morning, bagels at coffee time, sandwiches at lunch, potato chips while snacking in front of the tube.....all were covered in hollandaise sauce.

Eventually he went to the dentist for a checkup. The dentist took a look in his mouth and gasped. "Sir, he said, your teeth are all rotten! What have you been eating?".

"Well Doc", he replied, "it's hollandaise sauce...I put it on everthing, all my meals, my snacks, my munchies....I just love it, and can't seem to get enough."

The dentist told him that his only recourse would be to remove all his teeth and replace them with a chrome plate.

The fellow was perplexed...he wanted the dentist to explain why.

The dentist's reasoning: everybody knows there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

When the first electric chair in Afganistan was installed, a nearby village chairman was so intrigued with it that he wanted one. He got a bunch of his friends together and stole it, returning it to their village out in the steppes. The village contained many timber and grass huts that step up, ziggurat style, as is common in that region. This tribal chairman was proud of his chair and used it as a throne. He also used it to roast meat on it from time to time. Once, while the chairman was happily cooking, his friends ran in yelling that the police were down the street, looking for the chair. Together, they hoisted the chair up into the attic. The hot chair ignited the thatch, causing the roof to burn, bringing the police over immediately, proving that smoking ziggurats are hazardous to your stealth. While the tribal chairman was trying to bluff the police, a few weakened beams broke, dropping the heavy electric chair down on his head, killing him instantly. This only proves that people in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Once up on a time, there was a good king and his people loved him very much. The king had only one sorrow, that his queen had never provided him with an heir, and he was growing old. He did not want to leave his subjects with a stupid or weak king after his death so he decided to sponsor a contest. He called his herald to him and sent him out to spread the following message:

"On the Ides of March, in the Valley of Death, there will be a great battle. The sole survivor of this battle shall be the next king."

The herald first went to the castle of Duke Gillis and read the proclamation. Duke Gillis said that he would be there on the Ides of March, in the Valley of Death, with 500 of his best knights to fight for the throne.

The herald then went to the castle of Baron Weslanshire and read the proclamation. The Baron said that he, too, would be there on the Ides of March, in the Valley of Death to fight for the throne, but he was going to bring 600 of his best knights.

The herald went to the other shires of the kingdom but when the lords heard that Duke Gillis and Baron Weslanshire and 1100 of the best knights in the kingdom were going to fight for the throne, they declined to fight.

The messages being delivered, the herald headed home. On the way, he ran across a lone squire. When the squire queried the herald about his mission, the herald read him the proclamation. The squire said that he, too, would be there on the Ides of March, in the Valley of Death, alone, to fight for the throne.

The herald returned to the king and reported on who was going to fight for the right to become the next king. When the king heard that an unknown squire was going to fight, he was curious. Who was this man who was so self assured that he was not going to bring help? Was there sorcery involved? As the Ides of March drew closer, he sent his herald to the Valley of Death to spy on the squire.

The herald went and examined the camp sites of the armies of the Duke and the Baron. The knights were practicing and fixing their weapons. The usual preparations for any big battle. The squire, however, had a simple camp site. The herald saw him fixing dinner in a big black pot. When his dinner was finished, he attached a noose to the pot and suspended it high up in a tree to keep the local wild life out of it. Then he went to sleep. This behavior continued until the day of the battle.

At sunrise on the Ides of March the battle commenced. Dust rose from the ground stirred up by the fighters and blocked the view of the fighting from the observers of the melee. All they could hear was the clash of weapons and the screams of the dying. Towards sunset,he sounds became fewer and then all was silent. As the dust settled, all the audience could see the squire still standing in the middle of the battlefield. The lone survivor.

The king called the squire to him and said "I have promised that the survivor of this battle would become king after me, but I am worried for my people. I need to know, did you win by magic?"

"No Sire."

"Did you win by treachery?"

"No Sire."

"Then how did you win against a total of 1102 of the greatest fighters of my entire kingdom?"

"It is simple Sire. The Squire of the High Pot in Noose is greater than the sum of both sides."

This one was for Valentine's Day

by Bill Ross from Oz

He loved her very much. So very, very, much! He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, So he went all out! He had a bottle of her favourite liquor, a French absinthe, imported in time for it to arrive for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favourite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns left for decoration!

Oh no, what was he going to do now? Her love for the white flowers had made the presenting of an armful of them a tradition on special occasions such as this.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer: He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent, well beyond his expectations. He added a handwritten card, and proceeded home.

When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

On the subject of noisy neighbors, I heard a story about a student at an English university, called Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye ( or perhaps it was Neill MacNeill from Barra, but anyway ..), who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he'd been there a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcemens of whiskey and oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied. "They're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams, away into the night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignoe them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

A young Scottish kilted lad stumbles out of a pub and decides to take a nap under the trees. Shortly after he dozed off, two young lassies wander by and are curious as to whether or not he is wearing any underwear. They take a quick peek and lo and behold, there is none! They decide to play a prank on the lad so they tie a HUGE blue ribbon on it and run away. Upon awakening, the young lad realizes that nature is calling. When he lifts his kilt, he sees the flashy blue ribbon and replies...."Weel, laddie, Ah dinna know where ye've been whilst Ah was a'sleepin' but Ah'm mighty proud ta see that ye won First Prize!"

A Canadian Officer, pinned down with his unit in 1944 in Italy, urgently signalled his CO.

"Need reinforcements to rescue us, please send six tanks or one piper."

Why Do Pipers March When they play? ... To get away from the sound!

A fella comes into the Pub, see and he's carrying a wee collection can...introduces himself and says, "I'm with the Ceilidh Band across the way...our bodhran player passed away yesterday and we're gettin' up a collection to help with the burial expense. Could you see your way clear to donate a couple of quid?"

To which the inebriated piper at the end of the bar says, "Och, aye lad, here's five quid....bury two!"

Q) How many Englishmen does it take to batter down a castle gate?
A) 10,000! 100 to hold the ram and 9,900 to move the castle back and forth!

An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a pub one day, each enjoying a pint. All of a sudden, three flies appeared, each landing simultaneously in each of the pints.

The Englishman turned up his nose, pushed the pint away, then went off to order a fresh one.

The Welshman reached in, grabbed the fly, flicked it away, then continued drinking.

The Scotsman reached in, grabbed the fly, looked it straight in the face, and growled, "Spit it oot, ye bastard!"

Roman Legion on the march north. A great big hairy kilted Scotsman jumps up on a hillock and yells, "Aye, so ye be Romans, eh? Gie me yer ten best men then!" Ten Legionaires are dispatched. Bang! #@* Crash! $&% Wallop! Five minutes later, a lone survivor struggles back. A hundred soldiers are sent back up. None return! Risking all, the commander sends the remainder of the entire legion up the hill. Screams, shouts, and the all out commotion of the battle follow! Then, on the skyline, a lone Roman officer approaches. "Sir! Sir! They've cheated! They lied! There were TWO of the all along.......!"

There was this quiet, conservative man who happened to own a parrot. Unfortunately for the man, this parrot swore like a sailor. He would swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. This bird's foul mouth was driving the man crazy. One day, it just got to be too much! The man grabbed the bird by the neck, shook him really hard, and yelled, "QUIT IT!" This only made the bird mad and he started swearing even more! The man finally got fed up and said, "Okay for you!" and shut the bird up in a kitchen cabinet. This only served to aggravate the parrot who then began to claw and scratch the cabinet while he cursed even louder than before with a stream of swearing that would make even a sailor blush! At this point, the man became so angry that he threw the parrot into the freezer! For the first few seconds the bird started swearing at the top of his lungs! He kicked and clawed and thrashed all about the place. Then, suddenly it became VERY quiet! At first the man just waited, but then he started to think that the bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he became so worried that he opened the freezer door. The bird calmly climbed on the man's outstretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about all the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man was astonished! He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot! Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

In the beginning when God was creating the world, he was sitting on a cloud telling the Angel Gabriel what he planned for Scotland. "Gabriel" he said. "I'm going to give them soaring mountains, purple glens. high flying eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a golden coloured nectar can be made, green lush spectacular golf courses, coal in the ground, oil under the sea, gas... "Hold on," said Gabriel "are you not being over generous to these Scots. "NO" replied the Almighty "Wait till you see the B***** neighbours I'm going to give them!"

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write out a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for the rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

(1) it had never been occupied; (2) that there was plenty of heat; and (3) that it was small enough to make me cosy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord!"

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they see the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids run off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read: "Now there are two!!!"

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup." The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!!"

There was a young man named Benny who found a magic lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, out came a huge Genie, who was then obliged to offer Benny three wishes. So, Benny (being the red blooded young lad that he was) decided to wish for 1) all the money he could ever want; 2) beautiful girls at his beck and call; and 3) to be the most handsome man in his village. The Genie agreed to grant the three wished with one stipulation: Benny could have all of his wishes, but once granted he could never shave again. If he DID shave, not only would all of his wishes vanish immediately, but he would be turned into an urn! After much careful thought, weighing it all out, pro and con, Benny agreed to the conditions and the bargain was struck! Immediately Benny became the most handsome man in his entire village. Beautiful girls flocked to his side. And money....why money seemed to flow from a never ending source! Joy of joys! Life was GOOD!! After several years of this endless bliss, Benny began to re-evaluate the situation. He had everything he had ever wanted and had even put back a rather large sum of money in case of that "rainy day." However, he was growing very tired of his beard! By now it had gotten rather long and it itched him quite a bit. He had tried everything....tucking it under his shirt, curling it, waving it, braiding it....anything to try to be more comfortable with it! Nothing, however, seemed to help and it had now become a constant bother to him! So, one day Benny said to himself, "what the heck! I have all that I have ever wanted and even more so why not get rid of this awful beard?!!!" So he shaved it off. The moral of this story? A Benny shaved is a Benny urned!

A man called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

* If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

* If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

* Is there another word for synonym?

* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

* When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

* Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

* What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

* Why do they lock service station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

* If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

* Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

* How do they get the Kangaroos to cross at that yellow road sign?