That's the last straw! Now I'll have to use a glass. Let's face it -- English is a crazy language! There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this post, I end it! Points to ponder. Why is the word abbreviation, so long. Why is there only one monopolies commission."Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing .........Robert Benchley
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
9. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
10. <-------- The information went data way --------
11. Best file compression around: "DEL" = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud......, James Baud.
15. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied-nah nah na nah nah!
17. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/n)?
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
31. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
36. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Go ahead, make my data!
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender-insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
54. Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
55. Press -- to continue ...
Eventually, the voice of God boomed out, "AENGUS!" In a frightened state he replied, "wh..wh..what is it, God?" "AENGUS, AT LEAST MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS," replied God, "AT LEAST BUY A TICKET!!"Seems a fine bonny lad was in need of money. His nightly prayer was, "Oh, God, please let me win the lottery." Night after night, week after week, month after month...."Oh, God, please let me win the lottery."
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
2. I used up all my sick days. Now I'm having to call in dead.
3. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film!
4. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
5. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
6. Back up my hard drive? I can't find the reverse switch!
7. Sorry I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
9. You have the right to remain silent. But anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
10. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
11. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
12. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
13. Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
14. A day without sunshine is like....night.
15. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
16. I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.
17. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!
18. Eagles may fly, but weasels don't get sucked into jets.
19. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
20. Madness takes its toll. Please have the exact change.
21. Proof read carefully to see if you lift any words out.
22. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
23. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
24. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
25. I don't have a solution but I do admire the problem.
26. Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
27. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look so astonished!
28. Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way.
29. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
30. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
31. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
32. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
33. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
34. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!