This week, January 6, 7, and 8 have found her upset and confused--not knowing me for much of each day.  It is the first time this condition has appeared in successive days.  Also her incontinence has increased.  She also is having more trouble in eating.  But through it all she still has a great sense of humor.  The other night when I was brushing her teeth, against her will, she bit down on the tooth brush and I couldn't move it.  She got a big kick out of that.

Tonight, January 14, 1992, the poor days of the 6th to 8th continued.  Today was much better but tonight she wet and soiled her clothes.  She was upset and kept telling me she was so ashamed.  I assured her it was no problem and got her ready for bed.  When I tucked her in she said, "Maybe someday I can help someone". I reminded her how great she was with Fran.  Even though Fran was my sister it was you who always insisted on going to see her and to help Al.

January 15, a good day including a birthday dinner for Dave at the Red Lion.  The 16th and 17th were also good days. Good days have times of confusion and problems talking, but these are just brief periods of time.  The 18th and most of the 19th were also good days.  In the last few weeks Joan has fallen more frequently.  This morning, the 19th, she fell while trying to sit on a chair.  She fell on the patio steps when Dave was with her and again while trying to sit in a chair.  Tonight she kept asking about Danny.  Where is he?  Why isn't he home?  I explained he is at his home with his family.  Does he have a family?  When I mentioned Joanna and Robbie she said, "of course, what's wrong with me?".  An hour later she brought out a grade school picture of Danny and said, "He isn't dead, is he?".  She was much relieved when I assured her he was alive and would call tomorrow.  At bed time there was no way she would let me help her get ready for bed.  She can't do it herself.  I feel, "what difference if she gets into bed with her street clothes on?".  The only real problem is that she will be wet.  Thank goodness for a good washer and dryer.

The 20th and 21st were without any special problems.  Tonight, the 22nd, she doesn't want any help getting a bath and getting to bed.  After 20 minutes of fruitless persuasion I left her saying I was taking a bath and if she wanted help I would be glad to help.  We'll see.  After my bath I again offered to help but she refused, so I went to my study to read.  About 40 minutes later she came in;  I asked her why she had come, did she want help?  "No, she said, I just want to be near you."  That makes one feel pretty selfish.  It also shows the feelings she has even though she seldom expresses them.  We then got her ready for bed.

The 22nd, 23rd and 24th passed without noticeable change, but clearly her sense of balance is poor.  Dave and Diane brought over a great chicken dinner which we all enjoyed.  On the 24th I went to the audiologist and Diane came to be with Joan.  I played a VCR tape Jerry had given mother for Xmas, "South Pacific".  When it ended she was dancing.  Tonight trouble again getting her to bed.

January 27th (day after Super Bowl).  Watching the football game and hearing Dave and me yell showed again that mother is upset by violence and excessive noise.  She will walk away or ask to have the TV turned off if it becomes violent.  Nature programs are enjoyed.  If the program is not changed her reaction is to rebel by not eating or by just being difficult.  That may not be a choice on her part;  it just may be that being upset interferes with her already weakened thought process.  Later in the evening she told me she was sorry for being mean and it was only because she didn't want to share me.  She continued to say that was selfish and that I must get sometime for myself!  How can there be that level of thought and concern for others and at the same time not the ability to make a piece of toast or brush her teeth?  I assurred her I wanted only to help her be happy. Incidentally, for more than a year she has told me she never dreams. I wonder if this is a part of the Alzheimer syndrome, or does she fail to remember the dreams?

January 28th listened to President Bush's State of the Union Address.  It was a wellcrafted speech but no program to get the country out of the recession.  A good day for Joan only some confusion at bed time.  Dave came over to say good bye, he and Diane are off to La Jolla for five days.  This caused the confusion;  she thought she would be left alone and wondered where she could go. Getting her ready for bed she forgot all about that.

February 7th.  The first part of the week had only the usual confusion and fear.  Today irrationality was pronounced.  It was a gloomy day, overcast and raining.  I thought if we went to the Valley North Mall and had coffee and sweet rolls and watched the people it would be stimulating for Joan.  We went and she enjoyed being there but refused to go back to the car.  I begged and pleaded but she stood in the Mall and refused to move.  It took physical force to get her to move and that upset her even more.  It was an experience I hope is never repeated.  Several weeks ago when we were in the Mall she wanted to buy some ear rings.  I explained they were for pierced ears so she couldn't use them.  She wanted them anyhow.  When I said, "no", she stopped a man walking down the Mall and told him her husband wouldn't buy her ear rings;  would he please help her?  The fellow dug into his pockets and wanted to give her money.  I had a problem convincing him not to.  He gave me a disgusted look.  Later Joan joked about this.  She has a number of times told me, if you don't do what I want I'll make a scene.  She surely did that day.

February 12th.  Last night she came to me in the living room and asked where Eleanor went.  She was just sitting in that chair next to you.  Quite confused much of the evening.  Later that evening she fell off the toilet and crashed into the shower stall doors.  Fortunately, the lower guide on the doors broke so the doors swung in;  otherwise she could have been hurt.  Also fortunate that the doors didn't swing too far in or they would have come off the top rollers and crashed down on her.  Today, the 12th, she had another bad fall.  She fell off a dining room chair, held on to the chair so it fell on top of her.  So far in all of her many falls she has been lucky--I'm worried.

February 23.  Dan, Sarah and kiddies are here.  Clearly Joan enjoys this.  Each night when they leave for their motel she becomes concerned.  Several days ago Joan was in the bedroom for a while, maybe 20 minutes.  I became concerned and went to see if she needed help.  She had wet and had taken off her slacks, shoes, stockings and undies and was sitting on the floor of the bathroom crying and unable to get up.  A heart-wrenching scene.  It is very difficult for her to get up from a sitting position on the floor.  Also difficult to get into bed.

February 26. Last night much confusion and resistance to getting washed and into pajamas.  I told her it wasn't that important and we'd take a bath tomorrow morning.  The morning found her in almost complete confusion.  With the shower running and the shower door open she didn't know what to do.  When told to soap herself, even with the soap in her hands, she didn't know what to do.  It ended with me giving her a shower.  This is the first time she was unable to shower herself.  When I gave her a comb to comb her hair she used the comb on her arm.  While dressing she said, "I'm lost".   That's an excellent description of her condition this A.M.  I thought it might stimulate her if we went to McDonalds for breakfast but she just went through the motionsasking me to take care of her.  Back home we had coffee and sweet rolls.  She ate the sweet roll and then asked to go to bed.

March 10. There has been an increase in the number of falls.  One especially bad one occurred when, in getting out of bed, she fell against the door. Quite a bump.  She falls almost daily.  Each time I fear it will do real damage.  It is heart breaking to see her sit on the floor with a dazed and hurt look.  She is aware of the falls and tries to be careful.

March 19.  Today Joan was at the respite center.  As usual she is reluctant to go and even more reluctant to come home.  Today I literally had to pull her out to the car and then she refused to get into the car.  When we got home she was very upset and wouldn't let me help her go to the bathroom or get ready for a nap.  After too much of trying to get her into dry clothes I left and angrily told her to go to bed wet, and when she got up she could launder the linens and her clothes.  Getting her ready for bed tonight was another struggle and, again, I lost my temper--that's twice today.  I don't understand why I can't control myself.  I told her I was sorry and I know when she doesn't do what needs to be done it's because I haven't made it clear.  I'll try harder tomorrow to control myself.  The problem isn't Joan, it's me.

March 29.  The past 10 days were about the same.  Some days are better than others.  Once at Respite Center she surely enjoys it.  Her smile and wonderful disposition make her a real hit with the volunteers.  One lady said, "I just can't stop hugging her".  Today more than the usual confusion;  also more wetting.  I changed her three times during the time I was making supper.  What worries me most, besides her increased falling, is her failure to have a B. M.  I believe it must be 10 days since she had her last.  She sometimes goes to the toilet without my help, so I can't be sure.  Will mention that to Dave.

April 3.  Today was a day of much confusion.  Her talk was often without meaning.  Much motioning of hands.  Mostly I nod and say;  "Yes, that's right". At McDonalds for a hot fudge, she wanted to visit with some strangers sitting in a booth.  When we got settled she said she just wanted to see how those people would react to a visit.  Had trouble eating the sundae;  she used the spoon as a straw.  Bedtime another struggle.  She wanted to go to bed but wouldn't put her pajamas on.  Fully half an hour I joked, begged, and ordered her to get ready.  Finally I walked out and refused to talk or listen.  Sorrowfully she stood in the hall and waited.  Finally, about 15 minutes, I asked if she wanted my help.  She did.  She cried and said she was sorry for not helping.  I apologized for being short and mean.   I notice the same thing happened 2 weeks ago.  Joan handles the pressure better than I do.

April 6.  Tonight was the worst to date.  I started Joan for bed at 10:30;  more resistance than usual, but finally in bed about 11:00.  In half an hour she was up again.  Back to bed about 12:30.  All this time I was trying to get ready for bed;  I finally made it about 1:00 A.M.  about twenty minutes later Joan got out of bed--I decided I would stay in bed.  But after a half hour of worrying about her I got up--she was standing in the hall.  About 2:00 A.M. I got her back in bed again and she stayed.  Each time it is necessary to almost bodily lift her into bed.  There must be a better way.  I will try letting her on her own--if she doesn't put on pajamas, OK.  Trouble is she would be wet and that would bother me--don't know how to handle this.

The past few weeks have follwed the usual course--some fairly good days and some most trying.  Today, April 24th, Joan was unable to stand without help.  Much as if she had vertigo.  I gave her a meclizine and helped her dress, wash and get ready for respite.  By the time we got there she was more in control of her balance.  I alerted Kay to mother's condition.  When I picked her up at 2:30, Kay said she had spent a good share of the time sitting in a comfortable chair.  Because she seemed cold (she visibly shook), Kay had covered her with a warm blanket.  When we got home she had to be changed, including her slacks, and then to bed.  I made a meat loaf;  Dave and Diane will be here for supper.  After mother's nap, I dressed her and we sat and read the paper--mother doesn't look at the paper anymore, nor magazines or books.  When it was almost time to get to the table she indicated she needed to go to the toilet--too late.  When I was changing her she was upset and said, "Why don't you just leave?".  My answer;  "I love you and this isn't really work".  Later in the evening, getting ready for bed, another complete change of clothes was needed.  Now at 1:00 A.M., I'm finishing the laundry.  It isn't the physical work it is the resistance that is most trying and tiring.  It takes  lot of persuasion, pleading and even threatening to get mother to agree to being washed, dressed, undressed or to get ready to go some place.  About the time I'm ready to call it quits she will apear all set to get going.  Knowing what she is going through, one can't help but admire her courage and pleasant and loving and lovable ways.
  To continue on, click here.