Written by Matthew K. Sharp,
kirseval@werple.mira.net.au
Version 1.1
Revised 1 August 1995
Most of the episodes in the first 4 series have mock advertisements in the middle. Here is a list of as many as I could trace. (The scripts of the earlier episodes do not list the adverts, and merely state "Film Insert" between Parts One and Two.)
Note:
BMH = Beanz Meanz Heanz (2nd series)
HMB = Heenz Meenz Beenz (3rd & 4th series)
#1: The Tower of London
The Goodies Teaset (Save washing up / Half a
cup / Sugar tongs)
#2: Snooze
Snooze for country folk
Snooze for dogs
#3: Love The Police
Identikit - Fun For The Whole Family
The Coppe Shoppe
#4: Caught In The Act
? (episode currently unavailable for viewing)
#5: The Greenies
Westminster Sub-Machine Gun (to stop loony
Fairy Puff Girl)
BBC News with mean moody Robert Dougall in colour
#6: Cecily
Razz Two for One Swap (with TBT as a pepperpot)
#7: Radio Goodies
Plastic Spacemen (with free cornflake)
Fingertip Test for Slimming
#8: The Loch Ness Monster
BMH: "When I Grow Up"
Cheap Phone Calls (Unanswered)
#9: Sporting Goodies
BMH: "My Favourite Dream"
Stained Shirts
#10: Pollution
BMH: "What I Like"
The Dodo Sensation (Pixilated motion)
#11: The Lost Tribe Of The Orinoco
BMH: "Teatime"
#12: The Stolen Musicians
BMH: "If I Was A Millionaire"
Baldicleanse Ink Remover
#13: Culture For The Masses
Cathay Soap Lather Test
#14: Kitten Kong
? (episode unaviable for viewing)
#15: Wicked Waltzing
Wilmington Sword make blades for shaving
Dogginosh Dog Food
#16: Farm Fresh Food
Gloscalp for dandruff
"I like the men who like the beer"
#17: Women's Lib
Honest Holidays
#18: Sex And Violence
Twoey Chew-Gum
#19: Charity Bounce
Stuffed Olive Soap - makes you feel younger than
you look by making you look older than you are
Yellow Pages -
"If you need Mr Wong the plumber, or Mr Kwung
Chow the butcher, or Mr Lee Fong the dentist,
or Mr Chin the insurance salesman, then you
can find them all in.... the Yellow Pages."
#20: The Baddies
? (complete version unavailable for viewing)
#21: Montreux '72
Robinson's Paper (as used in petrol mileage test)
Butch - Tobacco For Men
#22: The New Office
Free Football Stars with Petrol
HMB: "My Favourite Supper"
#24: Winter Olympics
HMB: "When I Get Home From School"
New soft Golden Dairy Margarine (spreads
straight from the fridge)
#26: The Lost Island Of Munga
HMB: "The Best Poem I Know"
Animal Burgers
#31: Hospital For Hire
Goodlop Q.P. Radials
("I think I'll have another one")
Rice Crunchies ("Listen to breakfast with a
crack, rattle and plop")
#33: The Stone Age
Longbow Cider: Stone's Liniment
Bristo Gravy - Gets Rid Of Rolf Harrises Fast
#34: Goodies In The Nick
Henson and Bedges Tobacco (extremely smoky)
Longbow Cider: Poovy Archer
#35: The Race
HMB: "What I Like Best To Eat"
Air Hostesses - "Fly Me To..."
The best remembered of all of these are the series sending up the "Heinz Meanz Beans" advertisements. Here is a complete transcript of all known appearances of these ads.
BMH: "When I Grow Up" (#8)
When I grow up, I want to be
A spaceman or a sailor on the sea
And mummy says that all my dreams
Will come true if I eat lots of.... cornflakes?
("Get it right!" - Gets slapped on face)
BMH: "My Favourite Dream" (#9)
Last night I had some wonderful dreams
I dreamt I had a big plate of.... uh
Last night I had some wonderful dreams
I ....
("Get it right!" - Gets hit with mallet)
BMH: "What I Like" (#10)
I like meat, and I like greens
But most of all I like....
Trains and submarines
And for my supper I like.... um,
I like palaces with kings and queens
But best by far I love baked.... uh, fish
And a nice pair of blue jeans
And especially a nice big plate of.... um, big
plate of....
("Get it right!" - Gets hit with a boxing glove on
a stick)
BMH: "Teatime" (#11)
When I've had a hard day at school
My mummy always makes it a rule
To give me what I like best
Which means a plate of lovely hot baked....
um, potatoes....
("Get it right!" - Gets plate of beans in face)
BMH: "If I Was A Millionaire" (#12)
If I was a millionaire
And lived off private means
I'd still spend all my money
On lovely hot baked beans.
No I wouldn't! I'd buy a yacht, and a villa in
the South of France and have lots of ladies
with no clothes on, and I'd buy a new bicycle
and I wouldn't eat any rotten beans, I'd eat
bullseyes and caviar and chips....
(Falls through trapdoor)
HMB: "My Favourite Supper" (#22)
I had my favourite supper tonight
And we all know what that means
My mummy gave me you-know-what
A lovely plate of.... onion soup with croutons and
a honey dew melon, and not forgetting the
Steak Diane with Permento Sauce and
courgettes and of course ratatouille and
scampi and white wine and not to mention the
braized artichoke hearts and what meal would
be complete without a bottle of Chateau
Mouton Rothschild....
("Get it right!" - Gets bucket of beans poured
over his head)
HMB: "When I Get Home From School" (#24)
[He is in desparate need to go to the bathroom and
keeps being pushed back into shot by a broom]
When I get home from school each day
My mummy says to me
"Just tell me what you've learnt in class
And then I'll get you your tea"
(Please sir, I can't....)
And so I tell her all I've learnt
(I want to leave....)
Of soldiers, kings and queens
(I don't think I can wait - yes I can)
And then because I've been so good
She gives me lots of....
(Oh my gawd....)
("Get it right!" - Gets hit by a punching bag)
HMB: "The Best Poem I Know" (#26)
The vicar's daughter, she was there
She had us all in fits
By jumping off the mantlepiece
And landing on.... a plate of baked beans
Actually it wasn't baked beans, it was on her....
("Do it properly!" - Gets blown up by a small
tank)
HMB: "What I Like Best To Eat" (#35)
What I like best to eat
Not meat, not fish, not spuds nor greens
What I like best is
Heenz Baked Beans
("He's got it right! The lad's done it! He got
it right!" - Then the backdrop falls on him)
The baked beans boy turns up again in "It Might As Well Be String" (#54) against a "Heanz Meanz String" backdrop:
My mum bought me some string today
Cos string is better than beans
She always gives me.....
(Gets a plate of beans in the face)
"Leave him! He's on a trip, he's away. It's only Lemon Sherbet. His granny sends it to him. It's perfectly harmless but it turns him on. He'll start having visions in a minute. You can't see them, only he can see them; but sometimes he has incredible insights into the true nature of reality." - Tim, episode #1.
An occasional plot device during the first series was Bill tripping on Lemon Sherbet and seeing visions. Graeme then "plugs him into the machine" and we get to see his revelations.
#1 Bill's visions form a rebus to help provide the solution as to why all the beef is being stolen.
#3: Bill has a vision of the Laughing Policeman as a solution to the police public image.
#5: Bill is used to spy on the amry base after the radio telescope is broken.
Bill is also seen on several other occasions sucking away at his sherbet.
The Goodies and Monty Python's Flying Circus have a common ancestry in that many of the performers came out of Cambridge University revues. Tim Brooke-Taylor, John Cleese, Graham Chapman and Bill Oddie were in 1962's "Double Take" and 1963's "A Clump Of Plinths" (which also starred David Hatch and Jo Kendall, and went on to tour the USA and other parts of the world as "Cambridge Circus"); and Eric Idle and Graeme Garden were involved in 1964's "Stuff What Dreams Are Made Of" and 1965's "My Girl Herbert".
Many of these performers ended up appearing in or writing for BBC Radio's "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again". They also wrote for such programmes as "The Frost Report", and appeared in "At Last! The 1948 Show" (Brooke-Taylor, Cleese, Chapman, with Marty Feldman), "Twice A Fortnight" (Oddie and Garden), and "Broaden Your Mind" (Brooke-Taylor and Garden, later with Oddie).
As a result of these old friendships, there are numerous references and jokes between the two main groups in the 70's (Python & The Goodies). Here is a fairly complete list of them:
#30: Invasion Of The Moon Creatures
After he loses contact with the moon rocket,
Graeme begins to note the occurance in his log,
suddenly realises what the time is ("10:15?") and
flicks on the TV. The Python titles are playing.
"Damn, missed Moira Anderson!"
#32: The Goodies And The Beanstalk
Right at the end, Tim is polishing up a baked bean
tin ("Might get a few quid for it"), when a puff
of smoke comes out, the Liberty Bell march starts
playing, and John Cleese wearing a turban comes
out and says "And now for something completely
different." The audience goes mad.
Tim: "Push
off".
JC yells "Kids' programme" as he disappears
back into the tin. Tim holds his hand over it and
the three Goodies laugh cunningly.
#41: Scatty Safari
One of the attractions is a roaming herd of
Gumbies.
#45: Cunning Stunts
After Bill has been fired, and they are
interviewing replacements, Graeme opens the door
and we hear the Python theme. Graeme tells
whoever it is outside to push off, and says it was
the Band of the Coldstream Guards.
#49: Goodies Rule - O.K?
At the start as Tim and Bill wander up the alley
looking at destitute has-beens, they pass two
Gumbies rooting through a rubbish bin.
Bill: Hello John, Eric.
The Gumbies give a gutteral greeting back.
#51: Hype Pressure
When TV reverts back to the fifties, Bill points
out that they've taken off Fawlty Towers (audience
cheer (of recognition, presumably - hopefully...))
and replaced it with Prudence Kitten and Muffin
the Mule.
#55: 2001 And A Bit
Tim finds Graeme and Bill in the MCC Park and
tries to prod their memories.
Tim: Remember? The three seater bike? The
good old days?
Bill: The giant kitten.
Tim: The giant beanstalk.
Graeme: The Ministry of Silly Walks.
Tim: I don't remember that.
#66: U-Friend Or U.F.O.?
When Bill is trying to communicate with the aliens
by playing the trombone, they start playing the
Liberty Bell march.
There are a couple of digs at MPFC in "The Goodies File" (The Goodies are described as "Fart oo nice" by MP, and Prince Andrew doesn't want MP to do the entertaining at the palace because "they're a bit past it.")
Tim Brooke-Taylor was going to be one of the stars in the now-cancelled film of Page 71 of The Brand New Monty Python Bok.
Eric Idle, in the "Rutland Dirty Weekend Book" has a TV Guide entry for "The Goodies and The Holy Grail: A well meaning but slightly late copy of a comedy success. Rating: bitchy" and in the sealed section makes a reference to the well known comedy troupe The G###### being tested in a sex clinic, with a quote from ### ######-######.
In the 25th anniversary edition of I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again, Graeme and Bill are trying to get the cast back together again:
Graeme: ... we only need to sign up Tim Brooke-Taylor.
Bill: Who's he?
Graeme: Oh, come on. You must remember Timbo!
Bill: Yes, yes, yes, of course I do. Just my little joke.
Graeme: That's him.
Bill: But Graeme, I thought Tim had completely given up comedy.
Graeme: That's right, yes. Do you remeber we did The Goodies together for over ten years?
Bill: That's right! He gave it up just before that.
Graeme: And now he's retired to the anonymous little newtown of Milton Sitcom.
Bill: That's a funny name, isn't it?
Graeme: Let's hope so.
Eventually I would like to collate a whole collection of references to the various catchphrases and so forth that appear in The Goodies. These include:
...and so forth. Any further sugestions to kirseval@werple.mira.net.au.
There were several different versions of the theme tune over the years. The earlier tune used on series 1 and 2 was quite heavily re-written and re-arranged for use on series 3 and 4. An entirely new tune was written for series 5, and re-recorded for series 6-8, and again upon the move to LWT for series 9.
Version 1a: 1970-1972 (Shows #1 - #21)
Goodies!
Goodies!
Take a little good advice;
Try a trip to paradise.
It's not hard to find,
You've got it on your mind,
You can't pretend it wouldn't be nice.
It's whatever turns you on.
Goodies!
A circus or a seaside pier,
A sausage or a can of beer,
A stripper or a clown,
Prices going down,
You can make it happen here.
Fine for all the family.
Goodies!
Goodies, goody goody yum yum!
Goodies, goody goody yum yum!
Goodies, goody goody yum yum!
The Goodies are coming for you
And you and you and you.
It's anything you want it to be,
A record or an OBE,
A four minute mile,
A policeman with a smile,
I know you won't believe what you see.
(Theme usually fades on the first line of this last stanza, but there is a slightly longer version on the very first episode.)
Version 1b: 1973-1974 (Shows #22 - #32; #33 - #35)
Goodies, goody goody yum yum.
Take a little good advice;
Take a trip to paradise.
It's really not so hard to find,
You've got it in your mind.
It's whatever turns you on.
Goodies! Goodies!
It's anything you want it to be,
A record or an OBE.
A circus or a seaside pier,
We make it happen here.
Fine for all the family.
Goodies! Goodies!
Goodies, goody goody yum yum!
Ah! Oo-oo!
Version 2a: 1975 (Shows #36 - #48)
Version 2b: 1975-1980 (Shows #49 - #68)
Goodies, goody goody yum yum.
G - you need a helping hand,
O - you know we'll understand,
O - we're with you right to the end,
Everyone needs a friend (Goody goody goody)
D - we'll show you definitely
Y - you should employ us three.
We - can take on any old line,
Anything anytime (Hi hi hi)
(#49 stops with this last line.)
Goodies - goody goody yum yum,
Goodies - we're coming for you,
Goodies - goody goody yum yum,
Here we come, into town,
Getting up, falling down.
(There is a second verse, as printed on the lyric sheet included in "The New Goodies LP", but as it has never appeared on the TV shows, I have not reproduced it here. Version 2b is a re-recording of 2a with a slightly different instrumentation.)
Version 2c - 1982 (Shows #70 - #75)
Goodies, goody goody yum yum.
G - you need a helping hand,
O - you know we'll understand,
O - with you right to the end,
Everyone needs a friend (Oh goody goody goody)
D - we'll show you definitely
I - you should employ us three.
We - can take on any old line,
Anything anytime (Hi hi hi)
Goodies - goody goody yum yum,
Goodies - coming for you,
Goodies - goody goody yum yum,
Goodies are coming for you and you and you.
Goodies - goody goody yum yum,
Goodies.
Goodies - goody goody yum yum,
Goodies.
The GFCOA was formed in December 1993, and is based in Geelong, Victoria, Australia. The president is Melinda Huber, and details of the club and how to join are available by sending an SSAE or equivalent to:
Goodies Fan Club of Australia
c/o 47 Kansas Avenue
Bell Post Hill
Victoria
Australia, 3215
Unfortunately there isn't a lot of material available on The Goodies, which is one of the reasons this episode guide has been brought into existance. However, here are some of the more useful sources of information I found:
Books:
Wilmut, Roger. FROM FRINGE TO FLYING CIRCUS.
Methuen, 1980.
Devotes a whole chapter (nine) to The
Goodies, and also has information on ISIRTA
and pre-1970 TV series.
Hewison, Robert. FOOTLIGHTS!
Methuen, 1983.
For details of the Cambridge University
revues.
Periodicals:
THE AGE GREEN GUIDE.
Various issues.
Local (Melbourne) TV guide used to locate
local screenings and episode titles.
DEADPAN.
Issue 7, October 1994.
Contains an interview to tie in with the
video releases.
LAUGH - THE COMEDY MAGAZINE.
Issue 3 (1992)
Contains an article and episode guide to The
Goodies.
PLAYBACK.
Collectors' Special. (1995)
The first edition of this magazine devoted to
cult TV has a one-page article written by
Andrew Pixley.
RADIO TIMES.
Various issues.
BBC radio & TV listings magazine, useful for
finding details on the few items I don't have
on tape.
TV WEEK.
10 September 1994.
A belated report on page 21 of the Speilberg
Goodies movie rumour.
TV ZONE.
Issue 51. February 1994.
Reunion episode rumour on page 3.
Miscellaneous:
BBC Radio And TV Enterprises (later BBC
Enterprises) Television Programme Information
Sheets
For Series 1-8, Montreux '72,
Superstar, and The Goodies Rule - O.K?
Print-out from BBC Film And Videotape Library showing a listing of extant episodes.
And of course my own encyclopaedic knowledge of a show I've been watching and laughing at since the age of three and a half. I've seen almost every episode many many times, and I'm still laughing.
The End
Contents / Introduction / Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5
Last updated April 6, 1996 by
Melinda Casino.
melinda@badger.idiscover.co.uk