This guide contains a description of each episode of Square
Pegs, together with the original air date. Each was originally
shown on the CBS television network on Monday at 8PM Eastern
time, except as noted. It was occasionally pre-empted for Peanuts
specials. Since the episode titles were not shown on the air, I
have made them up, although the actual titles are available from John Lavalie,
et al.'s site. For more information on the show, see the characters and cast page and the background page.
September 27, 1982-"Pilot", written by Anne Beatts,
directed by Kim Friedman
Patty and Lauren start high school. They immediately identify the "killer couple" of the school, Jennifer DiNuccio and Vinnie Pasetta, and try to make friends with them at lunch. However, Jennifer makes fun of Patty for carrying a lunch box, and send them slinking away in shame. They then meet Marshall Blechtman and his friend Johnny Slash, who, not being snobs, immediately accept Lauren and Patty into their circle. After her humiliation, Patty decides to start skipping lunch, and after a week, she becomes woozy while walking up the stairs, and collapses. She is helped out by handsome senior Larry Simpson, who takes her out for a bite to eat. Lauren sees this as their big chance to gain popularity, since even Jennifer has the hots for Larry. Patty waits outside the Freshman Dance for Larry, and they dance together. At Lauren's insistence, Patty blurts out her hope that they could have a serious relationship, but Larry, though he likes Patty's "weird" mind, has a girlfriend in college. He does give Patty a kiss in front of Jennifer, though, which makes Lauren's day. Guest stars are the Waitresses, who perform "I Know What Boys Like" and "Square Pegs." Also appearing briefly in this episode is Dawn Jeffory as Sybil Blumberg, one of the popular kids, who disappeared from the series after this.
October 4, 1982-"Friendship Trumps Popularity", written by Janis Hirsch, directed by Kim Friedman
Lauren encourages Patty to try out for the school's Autumn musical play, "A Cafeteria Line," as a way of achieving popularity. It was written by drama teacher John Michael Spacek, who is also directing it (and has kindly consented to donate half of the box office to the school's Guatemalan child, who has taken "Weemawee" as her communion name.) The play concerns the relationship between an insecure teenage girl and her drama teacher. At the audition, Patty speaks about how she hates her glasses, and wins the female lead. (Hear Mr. Spacek's reaction to her audition.) Vinnie performs "New York, New York" and get the male lead. LaDonna recites an original poem entitled "There Ain't a Black Girl Alive Who Can Look at a Broom And Think About Halloween" but only gets a part in the chorus. After rehearsals begin (including the big kissing scene between the leads), Vinnie seems to be falling for Patty, going over to her house and taking her to see his old paper route. Lauren, seeing her best friend becoming popular, becomes jealous, and Jennifer is worried that she is losing Vinnie. Lauren advises her to fight for him, which isn't really necessary; all she has to do is say "Like, hi, Vinnie" and he forgets all about Patty. The play is a big success. (Hear the "Ketchup As A Vegetable" number [441K .wav file].) Best line-Patty, "Me, Vinnie, popularity. Isn't this just what we wanted?" Lauren, "I did, but now I don't." Guest-Craig Richard Nelson as Mr. Spacek
October 11, 1982-"Marshall Hooked on Video Games", written by Marjorie Gross, directed by Terry Hughes
Vinnie's uncle Sal Gagliano, owner of Uncle Sal's Antique Clothing and Video Arcade, donates video machines to the school, which will be used to raise money for their Guatemalan child. Marshall proves to have a talent for these games, even beating Vinnie, and soon attracts attention around the school for his prowess. He decides that this could be the first step in the path to fame and fortune, and becomes completely obsessed with playing. His friends try desperately to save him, even enlisting Jennifer in an unsuccessful attempt to seduce him away from the machines (she agrees to try so that Vinnie won't have anyone to beat and will return to her side.) Finally, Johnny gets Father Guido Sarducci to intervene; just the sight of him is enough to return Marshall to his senses. Meanwhile, Jennifer convinces Sal to take the machines back. Guests-Don Novello as Father Sarducci, Allan Rich as Uncle Sal.
October 18, 1982-"Girl's Football", written by Andy Borowitz, directed by Kim Friedman
This is LaDonna's big episode. Ms. Loomis, the "Self-Sufficiency" class teacher, organizes a football team for the girls. While few of them are enthusiastic about it, LaDonna is excited since she grew up playing football with her brothers. She sees this as her chance to be someone special. Muffy is also excited, since she thinks that a school with two football teams will be twice as peppy. Of course, Lauren sees this as another chance to become popular. The team is coached by Ms. Loomis and substitute math teacher Osgood Murphy, a Vietnam veteran who has trouble distinguishing football and war. Their first opponent is the Mid Central Colossus, the best team in the tri-state area. The Mid Central players are all huge, and they run all over the Weemawee players. After the first half, the score is 42-7 in favor of Mid Central. Johnny does the halftime show. After the first play of the second half, the Weemawee players quit. LaDonna is devastated until two of the Mid Central players ask her to transfer and be their quarterback. While flattered by the offer, she decides to stay at Weemawee, where she is unquestionably the coolest girl. Guest star-Donovan Womack as Mr. Murphy. Useless trivia- on the football team, Lauren wore number 4, Patty wore number 10, Jennifer had number 72, and LaDonna was number 2.
November 1, 1982-"Halloween Party", written by Janis Hirsch, directed by Kim Friedman
The school's Halloween Dance was canceled since Muffy spent the entire budget on superfluous decorations, so she arranges a slumber party for the girls at Ms. Loomis' house. After some initial trepidation, even Patty sees that this could be their big chance for popularity. As Lauren says, "Everyone's nicer when they're in flannel." However, only Muffy, Jennifer and LaDonna attend, and they all ignore Patty and Lauren when they are not making fun of the girls' new nightgowns. Everyone is a little scared when the lights go out, then Johnny and Marshall show up. They still hear strange noises outside, but of course it is only Vinnie. However, soon a strange looking creature shows up at the door, and only Lauren and Patty are brave enough to face it. Turns out to be Principal Dingleman, who has been trailing Vinnie about the neighborhood, watching him litter. Patty and Lauren feel like they have made some progress. According to Lauren, "Now instead of hating us, they just loathe us." Best line- when Jennifer and LaDonna are ignoring Patty and her, Lauren says, "It's amazing. Now there's a popular side of the couch."
November 8, 1982-"The Love Detector", written by David Felton, directed by Terry Hughes
Lauren is upset because Marshall has been following her around. He hopes that she likes him. As she tells Patty,"I do, but not in that way. I don't even like him much the other way." For his project in the school Science Fair, he buys a "Love Detector" which was advertised in a magazine. He renames it the Blechtman LX700 Human Attraction Analyzer. Vinnie, who is upset at the attention Jennifer has been paying to some senior guys, insists on testing the machine on her. It shows that she loves the seniors, but when she tries it on Vinnie, it registers nothing. Vinnie rigs the machine with a remote control, then uses it to demonstrate his feelings for Jennifer. Lauren tells Marshall that she likes him as a friend. She says that the only reason she makes fun of him is that he is weird. "It's nothing personal."
November 15, 1982-"School Mascot", written by Chris Miller and Michael Sutton, directed by Kim Friedman
The school's Indian sports mascot, Roger Forrester, is expelled for stealing funds raised for Rosarita, the little Guatemalan child that the school sponsors. Vinnie and Johnny are the two nominees to replace him. Meanwhile, Lauren and Patty are writing for the school paper, the Tom-Tom, under the supervision of Rob. Getting bored of stories about the Rocket Club and hamsters, Lauren wants to expose the person sabotaging Vinnie's campaign (by putting up a poster reading "Be kind to dumb animals. Vote for Vinnie." and putting extra weights on his barbell before his weightlifting display.) She thinks it is their big chance for popularity. Lauren and Patty suspect Marshall, who is running Johnny's campaign. However, it is revealed that Jennifer is the actual culprit, because she doesn't want the other girls ogling Vinnie in the brief Indian costume. Vinnie drops out of the contest, making Johnny the new school mascot. Best line- Lauren tells Patty they are going to print the scandal in the school paper:"We'll be the next Woodward and Stringbean."
November 22, 1982-"Johnny's Band", written by Deanne Stillman, directed by Kim Friedman
It is Career Week. Everyone reveals their aspirations, which for Johnny means starting a band, and for Marshall means managing Johnny's band. Principal Dingleman tries to discourage them, due to the failure of his own musical career, but Marshall has something to prove. Patty wants to be a writer, and Lauren thinks Patty can become popular by dying young and then being discovered. Marshall books Johnny's band to open the new deli department at the supermarket where Johnny works (Jim's Family Market (thanks to Marianne Foreman and John Peluso)). He even pawns his watch for promotional funds. However, Johnny hasn't organized the band yet, or written any songs. Under pressure from Marshall, he finally gets the band together (called Open 24 Hours, it includes drummer John Densmore from the Doors) and writes, with Patty's help, a song entitled "I'm Tired." (Caution-724 KB.) Then he finds out that he has to do a commercial jingle before performing his song, which offends his artistic sensibilities, but the others convince him to do it, and Principal Dingleman is impressed. Best line-Lauren, "How about that poem you wrote about how you didn't want to write poems that no one would ever hear?" Patty, "I didn't want anyone to hear that!"
November 29, 1982-"Muffy's Bat Mitzvah", written by Rosie Shuster and Margaret Oberman, directed by Kim Friedman
Hoping to swing an invitation to Muffy's "New Wave" bat mitzvah, Patty and Lauren translate the lyrics to "Valley Girl" into Spanish for Rosarita. No deal, though. They along with Johnny and Marshall are the only ones not invited. Even Johnny's feelings are hurt, since Devo, his ninth favorite band, will be playing. He had dyed his hair purple in anticipation. However, their big break comes when Devo gets invited to perform on Saturday Night Live the same day, leaving Muffy with a choice between Johnny's band, now christened Open 48 Hours (they're twice as good as before) or Mo Spengler and His Band of Renown. Muffy chooses Johnny's band, although it means inviting Lauren and Patty (she won't allow them to have a good time, though.) After the SNL gig falls through for Devo, it looks like the "square pegs" won't be going after all, until Devo's sound man becomes sick and Johnny is needed to work the sound board. They all get to enjoy Devo performing "That's Good;" Open 48 Hours doesn't get to perform until after everyone has left. The best joke of this episode is that LaDonna is the most familiar with all things Jewish, e.g. instantly recognizing that the gefilte fish is from a jar, not fresh. Guests-Dena Dietrich as Vida Aronov, Marj Dusay as Beverly Tepperman, William Bogert as Alan Tepperman, and L.A. DJ Richard Blade as himself.
December 13, 1982-"Jennifer Gets A Job", written by Andy Borowitz and Janis Hirsch, directed by Terry Hughes
Due to hard times at her father's car dealership, Jennifer has to get a job working at the Acropolis Luncheonette, the kids' favorite hangout (usually called "The Grease.") She first works in the back, but after breaking too many dishes, she is shifted to waitress. Lauren and Patty are the first to find out, and Lauren sees it as a way to become friends with Jennifer, by offering her support (and big tips.) They promise to keep it secret, but they make the mistake of talking about it near Muffy, who decides to raise funds for Jennifer. Besides asking everyone at "The Grease" to give, she plans to hold a telethon, and Marshall volunteers to serve as master of ceremonies, despite Lauren's pleading. Finally, Johnny convinces him not to go through with it. Muffy raises $86.57 for Jennifer, but is upset when Jennifer takes the money without showing any appreciation. It turns out that Muffy's fundraising caused business to be slow and resulted in Jennifer being laid off. Luckily, her father's business begins to thrive again. Useless trivia-The little Guatemalan child, Rosarita, can now afford cable TV in her bedroom thanks to Muffy. Best line- Lauren, after accidently ripping the giant check Muffy wanted to present to Jennifer, and Muffy says she wouldn't have acted that way at home, says "Come over sometime, Muffy. My room is littered with halves of giant checks."
December 20, 1982-"Christmas Episode", written by Marjorie Gross and Janis Hirsch, directed by Terry Hughes
A one hour long episode when first broadcast, later shown as a two-parter. Lauren has mapped out a complete list of parties to crash during the holidays for her and Patty, and Vinnie even invites them to his New Year's bash. Her plans are derailed, though, when Patty's father arrives and, without consulting her, decides that she will spend the holidays with him, including ice fishing on Christmas at his cabin in the woods. Patty feels obligated to go, although she is very upset since her father never listens to her and doesn't seem to realize that she is growing up. Without Patty, Lauren doesn't have the will to crash any parties. Finally, as they are driving to the cabin, Patty tells her father that she'd rather spend the holidays with her friends, and he agrees. She gets back to Weemawee just in time to see LaDonna open the gift Patty got her in the Secret Santa program- an Ella Fitzgerald song book. For once, she was able to satisfy one of the popular kids. It is doubtful that Jennifer was as happy with her gift from Johnny, a turtle. However, the Christmas spirit prevails, with Jennifer inviting Johnny and Marshall to Vinnie's party, and Mr. Spacek inviting Ms. Loomis to spend Christmas with his family.
Other goings on in this episode include a Christmas pageant written by Mr. Spacek, with Lauren as Santa and a visit from the International Children's Choir. Guests-Tony Dow as Ed Greene, Craig Richard Nelson as Mr. Spacek, and Anne Beatts as Miss Rezucha, choir leader.
December 27, 1982-"Broken Leg", written by Janis Hirsch, directed by Kim Friedman
Patty's frustration at her mother's refusal to allow her to wear contact lenses reaches critical mass. When her glasses fog up in class one day, she resolves to never wear them again. This is a problem, since she can't see without them. In fact, an accident occurs at the Latin Club's annual bake sale (where Muffy has a sign reading "All Latin Club Bake Sales Are Divided Into Three Parts"- it is little touches like this that made Square Pegs such a great show.) Patty trips over Muffy's model of a Roman Village and falls over Lauren, resulting in Lauren suffering a hairline fracture of her right leg. What seems like a disaster at first, however, becomes an opportunity when Muffy suggests everyone sign Lauren's cast. Lauren sees this as her big chance for popularity, and it seems to be happening when Jennifer and LaDonna start keeping her company. At the same time, she is miffed with Patty, and this soon escalates into a tiff. Soon Lauren learns that LaDonna was using her because of her influence with Marshall. Seems LaDonna wants to be a DJ on the school "radio station" and Lauren convinces Marshall to give her a chance. However, LaDonna quits when she finds out it only broadcasts on the PA system. Meanwhile, Johnny tells Patty she shouldn't worry so much about how she looks in glasses and instead should worry about her "skinny little arms and legs." Finally Lauren and Patty make up.
January 10, 1983-"If These Walls Could Talk", written by Deanne Stillman, directed by Kim Friedman and Jim Nasella
Once again, Lauren is desperately trying to find a way to become popular. After several failed stunts, she decides Patty and she should contribute to the recent outbreak of graffiti. They break into the school at night and spray over the freshly painted walls near Dingleman's office such messages as "We're coming", "We're almost here," and "We're on the premises." Unhappily, everyone assumes that Vinnie is the culprit. This leads to Vinnie receiving a 15 day suspension, much to his delight, since he plans to spend the time with Jennifer, who is sick with mono. Then Patty and Lauren admit the truth, and have to serve as hall monitors for two weeks, still unpopular.
January 24, 1983-"Quiz Show", written by Andy Borowitz, directed by Terry Hughes
During Career Week, Weemawee High School is visited by Dan Vermillion, the host of TV channel 124's quiz show, It's Academical (as well as Teen Rap, Dunking For Dollars, and Dancing Mall Fever.) Weemawee has been selected to compete on the quiz show against their rivals to the east, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Tech. Principal Dingleman, who has taken his wife and children on a tour of inexpensive motels in the Southwest, instructs acting Principal Rob to select the three students with the highest grade point average to represent Weemawee on the show. This turns out to be Patty, Muffy, and Larry Simpson. Of course, Lauren sees this as a chance for Patty's dormant romance with Larry to bloom, and confuses Patty with conflicting advice on how to act around him. Muffy also has her eyes on Larry, but he seems repulsed by her. Patty is encouraged when Larry tells her he has broken up with his girlfriend. During the show, Muffy costs Weemawee the win by constantly buzzing in with the wrong answer. Mary Bolton of Longfellow wins the game (first prize was a 10 volume set of "It's A Reptile World") and also wins Larry. Best line-by Patty, "Muffy could not keep her finger off the buzzer; it was like playing with someone from the Defense Department."
January 31, 1983-"Lauren In Love", written by Susan Silver, directed by Terry Hughes
Patty's locker (number 198) is broken, so she summons the janitor to open it. Instead of the janitor being old Mr. Stepanowicz, though, his son Steve shows up. He is a really good looking young man who is filling in while his father is recovering from a heart attack. Lauren flips over him, and starts following him around school, keeping a file full of information about him. Unfortunately for Lauren, the health teacher, Ms. Loomis, also has the hots for Steve. Worse still, when Lauren entrusts her Steve file to Patty, Patty leaves it where Jennifer can read it. After Jennifer and LaDonna ridicule Lauren for her crush on the janitor, she stops talking to Patty. Finally Lauren and Ms. Loomis go to see whom Steve prefers, only to find out that his father is back at work. When Lauren sees Steve packing up his truck, he doesn't remember who she is. Her fantasy over, she makes up with Patty. Guest stars-Robin Strand as Steve and Hugh Gillin as Old Man Stepanowicz. Best line- by Lauren, "If Ms. Loomis was a praying mantis, she'd have digested Steve by now."
February 5, 1983-"Rob Quits", written by Andy Borowitz and Janis Hirsch, directed by Kim Friedman
A special Saturday airing. Rob has to leave in the middle of class when his child is bitten in nursery school. Lauren is flabbergasted, since she verified that Rob was single before enrolling for his class. When Muffy finds out that Rob is an unwed father, her Morals Club starts a petition to have him fired (he also doesn't use the green text, "The Forging of History" nearly enough to suit her.) When Principal Dingleman forces him to change his unconventional teaching style, Rob decides to quit. Patty organizes a sit-in to force Principal Dingleman to support Rob. Afraid he will look bad before the School Board, Dingleman agrees, and Rob decides to stay. Best line-Rob-"Sometimes it's better to be right than to be popular." Lauren-"I've always felt that way."
February 14, 1983-"The Substitute", written by Andy Borowitz and Janis Hirsch, directed by Kim Friedman
Ms. Loomis is in Reno for a teacher conference, so there is a substitute in Health class. He is an actor named Jack McNulty, and is played by Bill Murray. He arranges for the students to have mock marriages for the week ("You'll be married and I will mock you.") Among the couples he pairs together are Muffy and Johnny, Marshall and Jennifer, and Vinnie and Lauren. (Lauren sees this as her big chance for popularity.) LaDonna gets to pretend to be a widow. Patty, originally slated to be single, finds herself swept off her feet by Mr. McNulty, who quickly becomes the kids' favorite teacher. Both Lauren and Rob find themselves becoming jealous. However, the marriage experiment goes awry and the students become disillusioned when the substitute is late for his final day of class due to an audition for a commercial. Still, they learn a lesson about marriages. Best line-Patty, on Lauren and Vinnie's "marriage" - "Vinnie's popular and you're unpopular. How will you raise the children?"
February 21, 1983-"Johnny Slash-Home run King", written by Marjorie Gross and Deanne Stillman, directed by Jim Nasella, Jr.
At baseball tryouts, pitcher Vinnie taunts bystander Johnny Slash until he steps up to the plate and knocks three straight pitches over the fence. Coach Rob Donovan is thrilled, although it takes a lot of pleading to get Johnny to join the team. Lauren, the team manager, sees this as their big chance for popularity. The Braves last win was a forfeit by the Eisenhower Generals in 1955. That losing streak ends in the team's first game when Johnny smashes three home runs, including a three run game winner in the bottom of the ninth, against arch-rivals the Lake Marongo Falcons. Patty chronicles his exploits in the weekly school paper as the team wins nine games in a row, all at Weemawee. Steve Sax of the Dodgers (you know, Rookie of the Year) stops off on his way to the city (he has tickets to see Cats) to scout Johnny in the first away game, against the Cardinal Spellman Birds. However, Johnny is disoriented playing in a new place, and strikes out, then sulks in the locker room. Rob decides it is okay, they will still win all their home games. Lauren asks Steve Sax if he has a date for Cats; sadly, he is taking a college girl. More useless trivia-Johnny wore #44, Lauren #10; other players-Williamson #21 and Garcia #23. Guests-Steve Sax, Dave Stewart and the Los Angeles Dodgers.
March 7, 1983-"Vinnie Tutors Patty", written by Anne Beatts and David Skinner, directed by Craig Richard Nelson
Vinnie plans to have a party to celebrate 6 months of dating Jennifer. However, if he fails the math test, his parents won't let him have the party. Desperate, Jennifer asks Patty to help Vinnie pass, without him knowing that she is helping him. Patty agrees under the condition that Jennifer and LaDonna treat Lauren and her as regular human beings and invite them to the party. Patty asks Vinnie to help her, so they can study together. He passes, so the party is on. Patty and Lauren (who thinks they have suddenly become popular) break their date with Johnny and Marshall to go to the party. The guys show up accompanying Muffy, who is the social reporter for the school paper and radio station. Their presence pushes Jennifer over the edge, and she throws them all out, after Patty tells Lauren the truth about her deal with Jennifer. They all go back to Johnny's house, having accepted that the "popular crowd" will never accept them. Geekdom has its rewards, though, since the band from the party shows up to hang out with Slash and co. Guest stars-Jimmy and the Mustangs, Richard Blade as himself.
These pages were created July 28, 1996. All material on them (except the binaries) is copyright 1996-1998 Clifford Blau, and may be used in whole or in part for any noncommercial purpose with proper attribution.
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